Husband (36m) said something that broke my (39f) heart. How do I process it?

A woman (39F) is processing heartbreaking words from her husband (36M), who revealed that, despite being a loving father, he regrets becoming a parent. After discussing the possibility of having a second child.

He shared that he misses his old life—his freedom, sleep, and less stress—and would take back having children if he could. This has left her feeling confused and questioning the authenticity of his feelings toward their son. Read the full story below.

‘ Husband (36m) said something that broke my (39f) heart. How do I process it?’

Husband (36m) and I (39f) have been together for 12 years, 8 married and have a 2yo. In the beginning, we talked about been a child free couple, and that was fine with me. When Covid hit, I took a look at my life and saw that we both have stable jobs,

didn’t have any grand plans (to buy a house, to chance professions) and thought that a kid wouldn’t really interfere with what ever life plans we had or would have. We talked at length about trying to conceive, and how a kid would give us a different experience out of our lives that seemed already so settled.

In the next 6 months, I got pregnant 3 times. The first was an anembryonic pregnancy – the egg gets fertilized and implants into the uterus but doesn’t develop into an embryo. The next month, I got pregnant, but had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was easily the worst days of my life.

Then, the very next month, I got pregnant again, and 39 weeks later, we had our baby boy. The first 3 months were a whirlwind of sleep deprivation, chaotic days with me crying, the baby not nursing properly – he was admitted with jeunesse for lack of feeding-, had a tong tie, and torticollis.

It was one of the most challenging periods of our life. We spent a lot on medical bills! We didn’t have any support from family nor friends. We have a cleaning lady that comes in once a week. Our baby boy was one of those that would fuss +1h to get down to nap just to rest for 30-40 min, and would only sleep while nursed.

I was fully on baby duty and exhausted. Husband was the one doing groceries and most of the meals, doing dishes, laundry. I went back to work at 7 months. We decided to hire a nanny.

My husband rose to the part and took care of the baby by himself on weekends and holidays – I am essential worker (work on the subway) and have a work schedule of 3 x 2 (work 3 days in and off for 2), sometimes the 3 days in are Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I know this is hard on him because his all by himself with our son until the nanny arrives or for most of the weekend – I work a 10 hour shift – from 5am util 3pm. To ease things for him, when I arrive, I take the shorter shower you’ve ever seen, don’t wash my hair on weekends, and take the baby duty util bedtime,

when he comes in and reads a book. Fast forward 2 years, and things have improved a ton! A 2yo is such a different kid! He’s so smart, asks for whatever snacks he wants, has his favorite books, is learning how to ride a balance bike, and even states when is tired and needs a rest – takes 2h-2h30 long naps, yay!

I feel that motherhood chanced me a lot… for the better! I’m in awe of how he’s developing, how much his vocabulary is improving by the day, how smart and fun/ funny he is! He has the sweetest voice, gives the warmest of hugs, has the best laughter! I’m so in love, so infatuated by this tiny human that I made!

So the fairy-of-motherly-amnesia knocked on my door and I started talking about having a second baby. When said this, his first response was “I still don’t know if I want our first one, can’t imagine a second”. His wording was so weird to me. His the best of dads!

Not only he pulls his weight around the house, he is also so caring, and fun with our son! I appreciate him so much, I always say what a good husband and father he is. As the days went by, I tried talking about the topic of a second child with different approaches: asking what he thinks having a girl would be different than a boy,

if he likes the names Andre and Lavinia, if we would get pregnant easily again. Well, the other day, I was playing with our son in the living room, just soaking up how amazing he is, and said something like “how incredible is he? When I think about living a whole life without getting to know him,

I realize now how much I would miss of having this opportunity, living these moments, and wouldn’t even know it! Because there’s no way you can actually know what this is like. I wouldn’t have lived a sad life or felt anything lacking. But this is a better life”.

He, then, said something in the lines of “I miss my old life. I miss walking up naturally (baby wakes up 6am tops!), I miss having me time, miss being alone in the house and watching a 3-hour-long documentary, miss not spending so much money, not having to go grocery shopping all the time, and not being so tired everyday”.

I said that I missed some of it too, but understood that all these changes were transitory, that things have improved so much in 2 years, and he’s growing up so fast, and in no time we would have that life back. That in the grand scheme, we would be more parents of and adult than parents of a toddler/ child.

That in a few years, we would objectively have the same life of his brother and SIL  – who don’t want kids. He said that just because it would look like the same life, doesn’t mean I would feel the same. “Yes, in 20 years, we’ll be ‘driving the same route’ but took different paths to get there,

and for sure his (brother’s) path had way less stress, less worries, with more liberty and money. Once you’re a parent, there’s no looking back, you are forced to live a very different life. I love our son, he’s smart, and very cute, but I would take it back. I think my brother’s life will be smoother, with a ton of sleep, freedom and overall happier”.

I just stood there processing his words. I love our life! I mistakenly thought that, because we are a couple, we were living and feeling the same things. I know I am seeing life with pink glasses, that maybe he didn’t think all of it so endearing, but I never thought that our views were drastically different.

Later that day, I apologized for trying to push the subject of a second baby. Said that I haven’t realized that he viewed things this way, and understood now that for him another kid was a hard no, and wouldn’t bring up the topic again. He said “thank you”.

I don’t know if I should bring this conversation up and understand better what he said. I see him laughing and complementing our kid and question whether it is genuine or not. I believe actions are louder than words.

He’s being his typical self – very loving, always kissing us, cooking our favorite dishes, making plans to travel to a farm hotel so our son can meet some animals …but his words shook me. 

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

jmsteveCT −  Gently, responding to his “I don’t know if I want the first one” with a baby name discussion is not the most aware thing you could have done. Him being a great dad doesn’t mean he isn’t conflicted about having had a child.

It just means he has empathy and is able to separate the knowledge that he was reluctant to have a child with the fact that there is a child here now who needs and deserves love and affection. He’s not punishing your son for his emotional turmoil. He should probably talk to someone—not you—to work through these feelings.

aitabride420 −  two things can be right at once – I can love my job and be great at it, but also need to use my PTO to have a break. You husband can love being a dad and be great at it – but also need his alone time without responsibilities.

I would not mention another kid, but i would have a conversation about how you can help meet your husbands needs. Nanny in the morning instead of night so he can wake up naturally? re-visit your budget and cut some items out/prioritize some of his wants, ect.

Your husband is telling you his needs are not being met and your response is “teehee how can i get him to be like me and want more kids? i dont want to accept him how he is!!”

Careless_Welder_4048 −  Girl how do you not get what he said. He loves the kid but it’s hard and with your job it’s harder.

bakethatskeleton −  “thought that a kid wouldn’t really interfere with what ever life plans we had” are you serious….

Serious_Escape_5438 −  As someone who had a child with a person whose job has him working nights, evenings and weekends leaving me alone a lot I got so mad when he tried to persuade me to have another.

The weekends alone with a child, in my case especially the toddler years, were incredibly lonely and hard. I’d see families out doing things all together and I was always struggling alone, we hardly ever did anything as a family.

magstar222 −  People can be good parents and love their children without loving parenthood. He’s been honest with you. Bringing it up again after you’ve told him you wouldn’t seems pretty disingenuous, and honestly like you’re more interested in getting him to agree with your perspective than accepting his reality is different than yours.

Ok-Cheetah-9125 −  No, you shouldn’t bring the topic up again if only because you told him you. wouldn’t bring up the topic again
and he’s made it clear how he feels.

brokenhousewife_ −  Later that day, I apologized for trying to push the subject of a second baby. Said that I haven’t realized that he viewed things this way, and understood now that for him another kid was a hard no, and wouldn’t bring up the topic again.

He said “thank you”. And this is the point where you respect what his decision is, and not brow beat someone into a second kid.

hyperfixmum −  He is still in survival mode. He can’t rest or enjoy it because he’s still in that mode. He probably has a level of stress now providing (even if it’s not monetarily) for more than himself and you, it is a weight to raise a boy into a respectful man. He’s tired.

And your schedule doesn’t make it easy to have family rhythms and built in clear boundaries for rest and rejuvenation. No second baby. No more conversations dissecting his feelings of regretting being a father. It’s a firm no for him on more kids. He was clear, he loves his kid but he still would choose different.

But, I think he needs encouragement. The jump from 2 years old to 4, to 6, so much changes. We are now in the 4-7 age range and I want to tell your husband it does get better. We are just now able to go to the gym or get a workout daily, we are able to both go off once a week to meet up with friends or have solo time.

You both need to work together to meet those needs and form a plan. He sounds burnt out. I would suggest one day a week that he can sleep in and watch a movie solo, so if that’s you on the weekend taking the kid early to the park and activities,

if you work that weekend then an evening where you take your son for a long walk in Target. It needs to be scheduled on the calendar. Help him find the balance. He may not do it himself if he is the self sacrificing helper type.

OkNewspaper7432 −  It sounds like you were avoiding a reality check for a while

When our partners reveal feelings that don’t align with our own, it can be incredibly disorienting. What advice would you give on how to navigate these conflicting emotions and clarify the path forward for their relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences below.