How do I (32F) recover after seeing a note about how u**y and fat I am in my husband’s (34M) phone?

A Redditor (32F) is heartbroken after discovering a note on her husband’s (34M) phone where he criticized her physical appearance, calling her “fat” and mentioning how her face “gets lost in frumpy clothing” and a “double chin.”

Although he treats her kindly and has never outwardly expressed such feelings, the note has left her feeling humiliated, angry, and unsure how to move forward. She is struggling with how to address the situation and heal from the hurt caused by his private thoughts. To read the full story, check it out below.

‘ How do I (32F) recover after seeing a note about how u**y and fat I am in my husband’s (34M) phone?’

My husband and I were just chilling in the house, he was cooking while I was reading my book. He goes to therapy for himself and I think it’s great. I know he talks about us, discusses sensitive topics before we can talk, and tries his best to deal with things in a healthier way.

I wanted to check for some photos he took of me on his phone and generally speaking we dont keep our phones off limits from each other. I noticed a widget of notes with my name on it and was curious so I looked.

“My wife is fat even 2 years after we had our child. She has a pretty face but even that gets lost in the frumpy clothing, zero makeup and double chin” This crushed me. I know this was private and probably wrote it as notes to talk to his therapist about but this is a bell that can’t be unrung. I just silently put his phone away because I didn’t want to find anything else.

I’m heartbroken because I know now what he feels about me. Sure our s** life may not be the best right now, and my physical fitness hasn’t recovered, but after reading that note, being u**y and fat is all I think about. I am just obsessing over it.

I’ve just been very reserved the past few days and I am too embarrassed, angry, humiliated and unloved to even bring this upto him. If I even can He’s never outwardly expressed that to me, or his behaviour/actions isn’t aligning with what he wrote in his notes. He IS kind to me and treats me well. But I do care about what he genuinely feels and his feelings about me HURT. How do I move forward?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Kelkeen_1980 −  These responses are f**king garbage. Don’t look for advice on Reddit from a bunch of morons like us, book an appointment with a therapist and figure out how to move forward in a healthy manner.

HyenaOk3375 −  My heart breaks for you. That must have been really shocking and awful to read. My husband said something really foul to me a few years back. Once it’s said, it can’t be un said, or read in your case. It took a long while and some fights, eventually I got over it and moved on. But I will never forget. You have to let it out, and talk to him. Holding it in isn’t healthy for you. Maybe you can talk with a therapist as well.

gonnagetcancelled −  There’s a bit going on here.

First sometimes people write notes to handle their frustrations and get something out while going overboard with their writing. It’s done because the frustration is real but they don’t want to hurt someone else and they just need the release, it may not even be an accurate representation of his feelings.

Second: He didn’t say you were u**y. YOU said that. In fact, he said you are pretty. I think he’s actually expressing frustration at his perception that you’re not trying (whether you are or are not is something only you can answer) and would be thrilled if it felt like you put effort into yourself. I get it, you have a little one running around, that’s a LOT…this is probably why he’s keeping this to himself so he doesn’t stress you out.

Third: You’re pulling the idea that you’re unloved out of this where nothing you shared indicates that you’re unloved. In fact I would argue that you’re absolutely loved because he’d not bringing this up to you at all because he doesn’t want to hurt you. If you’re equating being viewed as beautiful with being loved he’s either been saying some s**t, or you’ve been inferring some s**t…if it’s the first, he’s an ass, if it’s the second you’re causing your own anguish.

Fourth: It’s completely natural to want to be physically attracted to your partner. I don’t see this as an issue if you thought he was fat as well. You admit that you’re heavier than you want to be, and I don’t see any indication that you disagree with his assessment about clothing or makeup or anything else, so he’s factually correct…if you don’t like it ask him for more help with the baby and get some self care time in.

Get some new clothes that make you feel good. Throw some blush on or something (I don’t know makeup). Go to the gym. Whatever will make you feel good, it’ll make him feel good to see you happy in that way, I’m sure of it.

Fifth: I’m very sorry that you’re feeling as down as you are. Honestly a conversation with him where he’s allowed to express himself and you’re allowed to express yourself is going to do the most good. If he’s bummed about weight (or if you are), but you’re 24/7 with the kiddo how can you be expected to change anything? Talk about what you need from him, let him express what his needs/wants are.

Come to a solution. Nothing in your post makes me think anything other than this will be healthier for your relationship than you two simmering on unsaid feelings AND I think he’s the kind of guy who would take this well.

NYCStoryteller −  I’d have to tell him that you read this note and now you’re feeling really hurt and insecure, and see how he deals with it. What if it leads to a situation where he takes on more household/kid responsibilities so you have more time for self care? What would it take for you to get your mojo back?

I suspect that part of why it hurts is that you aren’t feeling confident about your appearance, either. Sometimes it’s a hard truth that you have to say to your partner that they aren’t taking care of themselves and it’s affecting your attraction to them. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but attraction does matter.

BadgerBaby999 −  Not advice but it just makes me angry how many men expect women to carry, birth and raise a child for them, and then feel repulsed by them when their bodies change. It can take up to SEVEN YEARS to recover from childbirth. I would probably also be too exhausted to give a s**t about putting makeup on. Baby is first priority, it’s a huge sacrifice.

_needy_ −  Why is he the only one doing therapy? I’m sure you’d benefit from it, too. As a matter of fact, ignore us all and go take your concerns to a therapist. They’re professionals and can help you navigate these negative emotions you’re experiencing.

ladyolives −  The number of people in these comments telling this woman maybe she should lose weight is appalling. You are telling her to do what this man wants under the guise of getting healthier for herself. “Do you have a medical condition that prevents you from losing weight?“ “Use this as motivation to lose weight,” like do you hear yourselves anymore?

Have men gotten us so conditioned that other women find a round about way to tell another woman to give her husband what he wants. Some of these comments even attempt to make her feel worse for putting on weight after childbirth or for not putting in enough effort to look good for him by doing her hair or putting on a little makeup.

I mean f**k, some you women are worse than the men making us feel like trash for how we look. Whatever happened to women supporting women?

Technical_Camel_3657 −  I really hate that men don’t understand what our bodies go through giving birth. It takes a year or more for our bodies to get back to normal after giving birth and he thinks you should be perfect after 2 yrs? I know that’s your husband but fck him.

AcademicBeautiful118 −  My wife gained weight after having 3 of our daughters. Even if I felt that way, I’d never say or do ANYTHING that would hurt her. She gifted me children at the expense of her body and possible health problems (gestational diabetes), and we’re together until the end.

TerrieBelle −  This is why I refuse to have children … I can’t trust a man to think of me as a equal human with inherit value when they constantly treat us like we’re disposable and useless as soon as we stop being as physically attractive as they wants us to be.

Do you think the Redditor should confront her husband about the note, or is it better to let it go and focus on rebuilding her self-esteem? How would you handle discovering something so hurtful about your partner’s true feelings? Share your thoughts in the comments below!