AITA for asking my collegue whether he’s waiting for my d**th or his own?

A 24F professional has endured three years of passive-aggressive behavior, rude comments, and even mockery about the death of her pet from a colleague (~50M). During a recent lunch, after he made a cryptic comment about “waiting for death” with a sneering smile, she jokingly responded with, “What, are you waiting for my death?” While the comment left him uncomfortable, she wonders if she crossed a line and became the bad guy in the situation. Did her frustration boil over unfairly, or was her response justified? Here’s the story.

‘ AITA for asking my collegue whether he’s waiting for my d**th or his own?’

Hi! I (24F) have an issue with my collegue (~50M). We’ve been working together for almost 3 years. Once he realised I was successful, he started an endless attempt to irritate the s**t out of me. He’s always asking provocative questions, saying misogynistic stuff, critizing my work or me as a person, making uncomfortable comments even regarding the d**th of my beloved pet (he did it weekly after finding out I was sad that the pet had passed).
Thankfully, it’s a large workplace, so we don’t meet daily but believe me when I say he doesn’t miss a shot.

Recently, he sat next to me at lunch. He stared at my face with a sneering smile. Like 15 cm away from my face. I didn’t react since I figured he did it with the intent of annoying me. He then asked me “how’s life”. I replied the usual “fine, you?” and he replied something about waiting for d**th (still with that sneering awful smile!).

I replied, “what, are you waiting for my d**th?” trying to joke a bit. He got a bit shocked and looked uncomfortable. Can’t really remember what he answered but it was probably uncomfortable for everyone sitting at the table.

Now, I worry about stepping over a line. I’m known as a kind and calm person. I have tried everything in my power to get this man to stop. Except for going to my boss, if they talk to him he will probably know that I complained. It might have made stuff worse and I worry that I was the a**hole in that situation. Am I?.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

dryadduinath −  You haven’t “tried everything” because bringing this up the ladder is the logical thing to try.  This isn’t kindergarten. Tattling is not a thing.  NTA, but bring this to HR or your boss. 

PikesPique −  NTA. Guy sounds like a c**ep and a b**ly, and you gently called him out on it, in front of witnesses. I worked with a guy like that once, an older guy who didn’t like younger people (especially me, for some reason) coming in and working harder and smarter and making him look mediocre. He wasn’t as aggressively dickish as this guy, but he was a pain in the ass.

VelvetPenguin87 −  NTA. It sounds like he’s trying to get under your skin for his own entertainment and you caught him off guard by making him uncomfortable instead. If it were me I would have told him to knock it off a lot sooner than this, but I get its hard to escalate it like that. When I have a problem with a coworker I usually mention HR to them in a jokey but threatening way. “Yeah haha great joke.

You know who’d love that one? Carol in HR.” Or “Dude what? Do you have a punch card to the HR office or something? Next visit is free?” Or you could just hit him with the “Excuse me??? You wanna say that one again, a little louder so everyone can hear?” In the end you do need to take it up the ladder if it keeps happening. If you let him talk to you like that you’ll never be taken seriously at work.

severeddigits −  Talk to the HR department. Fixing this kind of stuff is literally their job. If there is no HR department, talk to the boss. NTA. Either that, or you just continue to let that turd continue be himself and just ignore it. If you pretend you don’t even notice their efforts, people like that will often keep escalating until they s**ew themselves over. I’ve worked with several people who apparently hated me, (no idea why) they always ended up going too far and getting themselves fired.

saltymaritimer −  NTA but “I have tried everything in my power to get this man to stop” is silly when you haven’t gone to your boss or HR. Those are the only options. Don’t sit on this any longer.

deep-fried-bi −  I will say this until my last breath. Not enough people seem to experience indignation or outrage. NTA for what you said, I would have said far worse LONG ago. But you seriously need to go to HR. Get more angry on your own behalf, I beg.

StAlvis −  NTA. You sound like the picture of restraint.

AnitaTacoTwo −  NTA, but take the issue to HR. Your comment was crossing a line (slightly), but he leaped over many lines before this. If he goes to HR first, you could get written up. And when you go, tell them everything. Let them deal with him. He would at least get a write up, if not a little more. I wish you luck!! Edited a forgotten word. And to add judgement.

nancykind −  nta. you must learn to stand up for yourself especially in a corporate environment. gather your thoughts, document instances, dates and times, witnesses. keep it factual and unemotional. take it to HR.

twiztedsinger −  NTA. Tell him you are tired of his immaturity and disrespectful comments and that if he doesn’t stop, you WILL report him to your supervisor. Stop playing nice to AHs.