AITA for hosting Christmas dinner for the first time?

A Reddit user shares their dilemma about hosting Christmas dinner for the first time in their new home, inviting both their and their fiancé’s parents. While excited to give their parents a relaxing holiday, the user’s mother is upset about the invitation, insisting that their sister, who has anxiety, won’t come if the partner’s family is there.

The Redditor feels stuck between keeping the peace and trying something new for Christmas, as their mother expects tradition to be upheld. Is the user wrong for wanting to host and change things up this year? Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for hosting Christmas dinner for the first time?’

So last year, my fiancée and I bought our first home and decided we’d like to host my parents and sister, and his parents for Christmas dinner. We’re both in our 30s, and have never had space to facilitate this, so really wanted to give back to our parents so they can relax on Christmas day and let us host them for a change.

My mother’s reaction to this has been standoffish to say the least. For context, my sister has anxiety and some mental issues, struggles sometimes with change. When inviting her I ensured there was no pressure for her to come, but she was completely welcomed and we’d love to have her. I had low expectations she would attend due to my partner’s family attending, whom I could never uninvite. They’re lovely people, and that just puts my partner and I in a tough spot.

My mother has essentially been against the idea since I suggested it many months ago, and has basically decided on behalf of my sister (who is in her late 20s), that my sister definitely won’t come if my partner’s family are invited. It feels like she’s making me choose between families which I don’t want to entertain at all.

The dinner is still going ahead, and my partner and I have agreed that we’re happy whoever shows up. My mother is making out like I’ve ruined Christmas for everyone just because we’ve not stuck to traditionally going to her home this year (which I’ve done for 30 years now).

Am I an a**hole for wanting to try something new for Christmas? The idea of having to go to my mother’s house on Christmas day to keep her happy for the rest of my life doesn’t sit well with me, and it’s not ideal for my partner either. At the end of the day, we’re all adults now, things are different. We’re trying to bring everyone together, but my mother just can’t seem to see it the way I do? Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Appropriate-Key8785 −  You’re definitely not the ahole. As a 19 yo female with chronic anxiety along with other conditions there’s always a way. From your post it sounds like your mother didn’t give her the chance to try. Maybe try talking to your sister one on one and see if she would be okay with trying.

You could have her come over before the event so she has more time to be comfortable, set up a spot in your home away from the party where she could retreat and sm more. If your sister doesn’t wanna give that a try then there is no excuse.

ImportantFunction833 −  I don’t think you’re the AH for wanting to host, but you can’t say your goal was to give back to your parents so they can relax if they’re this opposed to it either. Clearly, your mom is more relaxed when she’s the host, whether that’s because she likes being in control of the event, doesn’t feel comfortable celebrating with people she doesn’t know as well, or just values the continuity of something she now sees as tradition.

You’re not wrong for wanting to host and change things up or for being disappointed that she doesn’t value bringing new family into the mix the way you hoped she would. She’s not wrong for declining the invitation and sticking to her tradition or for being disappointed that you don’t value the tradition in the way she hoped you would. Maybe respect each other’s wishes, acknowledge that they differ, and take turns hosting each year so you both get your turn?

LonelyOwl68 −  NTA. On the contrary, you are doing a smart thing by attempting to start your own traditions for the holiday, instead of forever taking turns going to his family, then yours, then his and so on into infinity, until all the parents are gone and you have no traditions of your own to fall back on.

You have graciously invited both families to share your Christmas holiday with you at your new home, which most people would jump at. It’s unfortunate that your sister struggles with her issues and might not feel comfortable in the company of people she doesn’t know, but you also have some expectation of basic courtesy from your own mother. One caveat: does your sister have an alternative if she feels she really can’t face your in-laws to be? Because if she doesn’t, that would be leaving her out of things and that might be what’s driving your mother’s dissention.

Assuming that your sister won’t be left out, you are not ruining Christmas for everyone, on the contrary, you are offering them a chance to relax for a change with you hosting. If your mother doesn’t see it that way, that’s on her and she will miss out on what will probably be a lovely day and nice Christmas dinner. You are wise to not necessarily expect everyone you invite to turn up, but if they don’t, they are the ones who will miss out.. Merry Christmas!

LastTie3457 −  Sounds like she is upset she isn’t going to host. And probably that she will have to ‘share’ the holiday with your in-laws. Some people are not more the merrier type and it sounds like your mom is one of them.

oliviamrow −  My first thought– and I’m an Internet stranger who does not know any of these people, so take with appropriate salt –is that your mom doesn’t like handing over hosting duties or doesn’t want to share the holiday with your in-laws (some people are absurdly possessive about these things). So she’s using your sister’s anxiety as an excuse to make it A Thing.

My second thought is that your mother may have enabled your sister’s anxiety so hard that they’re both *actually* convinced that your sister is incapable of being in a room with people she doesn’t know well for one evening. If her anxiety is truly that bad, she needs to be seeking professional care. Maybe neither of those is true, I’m just speculating based on your post, but sounds pretty NTA to me.

StAlvis −  NTA. For context, my sister has anxiety and some mental issues, struggles sometimes with change. Well, let her be anxious and struggle. Other people are involved here. At the end of the day, we’re all adults now
If only you could all *act* like it.

amberallday −  YTA for pretending that this is about “giving back to our parents, so they can relax on Christmas Day”. That’s absolute self-serving drivel. You are hosting because YOU want to host. You have a nice home that you want to show off. Which is fine, if you were honest about it.

The truth is: “We have our first home & are excited to host. My sister isn’t up for that, and it’s stressing my parents out that she won’t be comfortable at mine, but they feel like I’m b**lying them to come to mine, so they are very much stuck in the middle.”. Be honest! This year, it’s more important to you.

That you host Christmas in your new house. If your parents & sister aren’t up for that then it will hurt the “look” you want for Christmas Day, but otherwise you won’t be fussed. Back off on the invitation to your parents. Let them stay home with your sister if they feel that she is their priority.

redskyscope −  NTA. It doesn’t look like anyone is considering your time and feelings, tell mom to stop babying your sister. It’s stressful enough having to jump house to house on Christmas because I’m sure you’d like to spend time with your family and your partners family for Christmas, having it at your house makes perfect sense, and makes it 100 times easier for everyone since they don’t have to cook anyway.

And your sister… well..she should grow up. I know social anxiety is a pain in the ass as I’ve been struggling with it throughout my whole life. It ruined my teen years because I’ve been stuck at home afraid of trying new things and talking to new people. It’s taking over her life and she should get help since it’s only going to get worse the older she gets, your family babying her is her safety net and she probably never felt the need to step out of her comfort zone for this reason.

Low_Echidna3042 −  I have parents and in-laws that always want to host and do things their way. They will come up with whatever reason they see fit to guilt us out of hosting. Myself and all the other adult children have had it for a multitude of reasons. Inevitably parents are getting older and can’t host like they used to and complain about how tired they are or how no one is helping or not helping enough or helping too much. Elderly parents do need to stop and sit down and let the next generation host.

Moreover, if you bought a new home and want to host and enjoy your new home with family that is normal. Your parents should be proud of your accomplishments and enjoy themselves. I know when my children get older I will not make that mistake – fighting to host and be in charge of every holiday because I can’t let go. I will sit and enjoy the beautiful meal with my lovely family and thank God that my family is together and thriving. Cheers to you, your family and your beautiful new home.

unsafeideas −  It is OK to want different Christmas. But, framing it as something to make it easier on your parents is ridiculous, because mom does not want it. You are not helping people by forcing them into something that part makes you Y.T.A. Also, if sister does not come, would mom feel bad about her being alone or would mom have to have own Christmas with sister? Do sister needs caregiver or lives independently?

NTA if you accept that your mom is loosing something she liked and approache it with empathy. This is not for them nor helping them. This is for you and in-laws. You are entitled to own Christmas, but people who lost what they liked are entitled to he unhappy.