I [26F] and husband [26M] what would you do?

A 26-year-old woman has been married to her high school sweetheart for 10 years, but recently, she’s been feeling uncomfortable with the growing friendship between her husband and a close friend’s wife.

The wife has been texting her husband frequently, sharing personal issues, and even referring to her husband as a potential playmate for her future child. While the woman agrees to be godparents, she feels uneasy about the situation and is unsure how to address her concerns.

‘ I [26F] and husband [26M] what would you do ?’

I (26F) have been with my husband (26M) for 10 years (we are high school sweethearts), being married 2 of those years. We made friends with another couple (28F and 27M) The husband we knew from high school and met his wife obviously through him.

I’m not sure how it started by the wife has been texting my husband. In the beginning, it was random things but to be honest, it has bothered me since the beginning. It seemed like the “boys” wanted the wives to be friends which I was fine with but it seemed like she is texting my husband a lot more than me.

Her excuse is he text back faster or that I do not reply always. Which I get, I have ADHD and I do tend to be on and off with texting. But I do eventually reply and nothing she is texting about is an emergency. So fast forward to the friendship getting more “connected.”

They asked me and my husband to be godparents. We said yes, though I wanted to say no. I was looking at their text and she has been venting her martial problems to my husband (keeping in mind her husband and my husband are close friends).

Then talks about her baby to my husband saying “if it’s a boy you will have a buddy to play with.” I know godparents are involved but I did not like that statement at all because why would my husband have a buddy to play with that isn’t his child??

Godparents help with religious upbringing most often so I really feel like that argument isn’t enough for me to let it slide. I have looked at the other text messages but it honestly annoys me because why is a married woman texting a married man about her problems?

Also I did try to post in the relationship advice but it wouldn’t since it is involving friends, I figured I would try here Anyways, what would you do?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

LuckyLuke1890 −  You need to shut this down real quick. The big red flag is discussing her marital problems with him. That is often used as the opening act of an emotional affair. You need to be in the communication loop at a minimum. If he created a little distance with her she might back off.

Temporary-Spell3176 −  Your gut is throwing up red flags for a reason. If I were you, I’d set clear boundaries with your husband and let him know this is making you uncomfortable as hell, because if he values your relationship, he’ll shut this weirdly intense texting down.

Whyme0207 −  What I am not able to understand is that you didn’t even complained once about your husband. Why your husband is engaging with her if it bothers you? You and your husband can set boundaries. Why is he entertaining her?

FriendsofFripp −  You and your husband should read the book “Not Just Friends “ by Shirley Glass immediately. This book describes how what seem like harmless relationships turn quickly into emotional and physical affairs.

The biggest red flags in your husband’s relationship with the other woman is the frequency of their texting and the fact that she is now sharing intimate details of her marriage with him. Those are warning signs that the relationship is crossing boundaries that should not be crossed by married people.

Your husband needs to shut this down immediately. I would suggest he end the one on one texting with her and all further communication be done in a group chat. In addition I would be against any one on one contact between your husband and the other woman.

No after work meet ups for drinks, lunches etc. If you read the book it will give you and your husband a roadmap to avoid the mistakes people make that lead to extra marital affairs.

PJewlzzz −  Instead of direct messaging, ask that they all switch to group chats only. (To “double the chance of a good response time”.) I have vented a little to a married friend of my SO, but behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable does not have to have more reason than that to consider shutting it down.

Honey, it’s making me anxious that you’re this close to a woman outside of our relationship. These problems should be discussed with her husband, not his best mate. It would be best for her relationship for you to make that clear. Her relationship won’t get better when the troubles are primarily communicated to a third party. (Ye… ask me how I know that. 🙄)

yuva44 −  U should set boundaries and unless ur husband is entertaining or hiding the messages u shouldn’t worry but tell him to set boundaries and limit contact.

coastalkid92 −  On a whole, I don’t think it’s an issue if she’s found better friendship with your husband than you, that just happens sometimes and if she didn’t feel like you were putting in effort, I can understand her being miffed.

And the godparents thing, while it’s traditionally been a religious role, a lot of secular people will assign godparents just as a couple they care about to look over and be a part of the village, it’s more a recognition thing than anything.

Even the buddy bit, while a little weird in wording, is not that big of a red flag to me. I see so many girls being like “my bestie is giving me a new bestie” on pregnancy posts. I think the biggest issue here is her discussing issues with her marriage with your husband.

If she had been independently friends with your husband before getting with her partner, I’d give it a bit more runway, but its generally poor form to go to your partner’s friend or mutual friends about relationship issues. And I think it’s fair to go to your husband and lay out that concern and set up some firmer boundaries in the friendship.

SubstantialMaize6747 −  This is a conversation for you and your husband. She woman is crossing a line and your husband is allowing/encouraging it. Ask him how he would feel if you started texting his friend like that. He might knee j**k and say it would be fine, but deep down he knows it’s wrong.

Frame it right and he will be able to see exactly how inappropriate it is. If she continues to message, I would ask her directly why she is talking to your husband inappropriately, and again ask her how she would feel if you were messaging her husband like that.

And if she continues after that, I would absolutely detonate and tell her husband. Guarantee he will put a stop to it. To be honest, it might be easier to jump to this and do it in an unobvious way, like you thought that because she was broadcasting it to your husband that it was cross dinner conversation!

It seems like within a foursome of friends that there is always one person willing to push the boundaries and ruin things.

minniemacktruck −  Have him add you to their convo for a group chat. See how fast she tries to start a new convo with him outside that chat.
When I made friends with a new couple they did this, put the 3 of us in a group chat.

The husband is a faster responder but the wife does chime in too. Then when trying to set up a hangout with another couple, who I know the man better, I ran into him in person and chatted, but I messaged his wife to set up a date. Specifically to avoid the weirdness above.

TweedleDumDumDahDum −  The way I see it there’s a couple ways to handle it, and some of them might interfere with the group friendship. 1-next group outing say to friend infront of group-her husband-oh I am so sorry to hear you and wife are having issues with X thing she texted your husband about.

(Do this in front of her and your hubs) if dude friend seems taken aback that you guys know about that your husband can say oh yes your wife has been texting me a lot, thought you might want to know. You can chime in here that you guys have great communication and so hubby tells you what’s up.

This could take care of it itself because most people don’t like finding out their spouse unloads on a person off the same s**. 2 is when she texts your husband respond from your phone. She will get the hint eventually. Would mean hubby has to sent it over to you when you aren’t together.

3- hubby steps up and says something along the lines of during her next venture session, hey I am trying to be here for you but your husband have been my friend since we were kids. I really don’t think I’m the right audience for this conversation and would appreciate not being the person you go to for this.

4. Hubby tells her that your finding her messages directly to him even just by sheer quantity are too much and he wants to put distance between them but suggests and starts a group chat for all 4 of you to use to discuss plans ect. He also no longer responds to her direct texts.

Is the wife’s behavior crossing boundaries, or is the woman overreacting? How should she address her concerns with her husband while maintaining trust? Share your advice or thoughts below.