My Marriage is…f*cked…do I stay or go? (37F & 35M) ?

A woman (37F) is struggling with her marriage to her husband (35M) after years of enduring his alcoholism and infidelity. Despite multiple attempts to address his drinking, he continues to refuse help, and she discovered messages about his involvement with escorts.

In response, she began an affair with a colleague, which has left her feeling conflicted and guilty. Now, she’s questioning whether to end the marriage, feeling both sad and confused about her next steps.

‘ My Marriage is…f*cked…do I stay or go? (37F & 35M) ?’

My Husband (35M) & I (37F) are struggling. We’ve been together for almost 16 years now. married for 5, with 2 kids (5m, 2m) My father was an a**oholic, died when he was in his early 40ish. My husband knew all about my struggles growing up with said father.

My husband also developed his own issues with alcohol. Would come home and puke for hours on end. Babies knocking on the bathroom door, wondering what’s wrong with daddy, I would just say “Oh, daddies not feeling well” He would say “Oh, after this, I’ll dry out….” On multiple occasions.

The last time being right before our youngest was born. (March 2023) I told him at that time if he didnt have 30 days sober by September, he would need to find a new place to live. Im not naive to addiction. The problem was he refused to do anything about it. His drinking completely ruined our last vacation, in January.

He got so drunk he was down for the count for 2 days. We were only there for 3. The second week of September, he fractured his foot. Out of work, in a boot, the whole 9. Sinces he’s home, he would be responsible for getting out 5 year old to and from school. Suddenly he was always running late.

Would call my mom on less than an hours notice to come get my son. Always asking for money, taking it out of the ATM, multiple days in a row. So, one day when our son had his phone, and handed it to me when a text went off, I stupidly went through the phone. In his deleted messages is where it all was.

Escorts. Hotel rooms, rates, etc. He was calling these woman “Love” and “Mi Amore” I absolutely lost it. I texted me best friend, and sat on the info for 2 weeks. One Saturday night, I woke him up and told him everything. He listened.

and when I handed him my rings, he threw himself o the floor, saying no no no, we had plans blah blah blah. I had it, I went to bed. The next day, he left his phone out again, (look at this point, im on a f**king role) So I see he texted his buddy “Dude Im so fucked, she went thru my phone, saw some things,

I told her I was only getting a massage, but I dont think shes buying it.” So, I said F it. I started talking to someone at work. Talking got weird…we should not have done that. It happened. I went to his house once, after leaving work early, and we talked.

Hes going through the same stuff as me right now, and we clicked. We sexted. ALOT. And of course, my soon to be ex finds out. He confronts this guy (he lives close by, and our kids go to school together) The messed up s**t….I feel worse for the guy that I got involved, than hurting my soon to be ex husband.

NOW I feel like the bad guy. I think Im done with this marriage, as I have NEVER been a priority, but Im also sad, very sad. But just constantly questioning whether Im doing the right thing or not. I messed up, and so did he, should we just end this?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

mooseychew −  Step one, get a lawyer. Step two, get financially set up with your babies near your mom for support. Forget this new guy, forget your ex. Focus on you and your babies. That’s it.

asghettimonster −  Attend Al-Anon meetings. Do not wait. This will address your matching and enabling mental state of being

anitarielleliphe −  You stated this: *The last time being right before our youngest was born. (March 2023) I told him at that time if he didnt have 30 days sober by September, he would need to find a new place to live. Im not naive to addiction. Why did your marriage NOT end then?

Why are you actually “still” thinking you may be done with this marriage after that boundary was crossed and then you found out he is a c**ater too?
YOU have children to think about. Stop increasing the drama in your household by not abiding by your own boundaries and bringing new people into this chaos.

You should have followed through with kicking your husband out when he chose his addiction over his family, and your decision should be no different now that you know he is also an adulterer. In fact, finding that out should make this a lot easier.

If you continue to accept this terrible behavior, which enabled it further, then, in effect, you and your husband are modeling these behaviors and responses to them as normal. So, your sons and daughters may repeat the behavior they see with the parent they identify with. This is how you get generational dysfunction.

ActDismal275 −  Your poor f**king kids man. Get out and sort yourself out. Otherwise your kids will just think this is what love looks like. Stop the cycle. You think just because they are young it’s not affecting them?

curiousugly −  Your poor kids

Extreme_Cup_734 −  Don’t waste any more time for either of you. End it and move on.

OddFiction −  Your mess up wasn’t with the coworker. It was when your second kid was born and you didn’t hold firm to your boundaries when you said he needed to be sober for 30 days by September. Yes, he’s a grown man and he can make whatever choices he wants,

but you set that boundary and he railroaded right through it without even a glance back. That let him know that he could do as he pleased and you’d never leave. That’s why he’s shocked now because now after all this time, you’re calling him out, when you didn’t the first time? I’m shocked, too.

This marriage has been over since the first time he gave zero fucks about your reasonable and healthy boundaries and you didn’t stop him. Call a lawyer and get the ball rolling.

He won’t stop and there’s already so much resentment on both sides. Best you can do now is focus on healing yourself and the kids, and getting professional help because you don’t value yourself enough to have a healthy relationship right now.

xo-moth −  So sad for your children. This is their trauma story. You should’ve stuck to your ultimatum and left him the first time. You can’t give addicts second chances when kids are involved, only they can save themselves. Your kids deserve better.

Metasequioa −  Yes, this mess is over. Get your s**t together and focus on as easy a transition as you can make for the children. I would encourage you to get some kind of therapy or AA or something. Focus on yourself and your children, don’t muddy the waters with any dating, don’t engage in drama with the soon to be ex.

GIFelf420 −  Yep

Is it time to move on from this marriage, or should she try to repair it? How should she navigate the complicated emotions of guilt, betrayal, and uncertainty? Share your thoughts and advice below.