I(24F) and my bf (24M) are having issues with something his mother said, is she r**ist?

A woman (24F) is grappling with uncomfortable comments made by her boyfriend’s (24M) mother. Despite her boyfriend dismissing them as jokes, the woman feels hurt by remarks that seem racist, such as telling her to “speak English” and referring to a woman from her country as a “mail-order bride.”

She feels betrayed by her boyfriend’s lack of defense and is unsure of how to navigate this issue, especially given her concerns about being part of a family that overlooks casual racism.

‘ I(24F) and my bf (24M) are having issues with something his mother said, is she r**ist? ‘

I’m 24 and from an Asian country, but grew up in the States. My boyfriend (24M) is white, and recently I met his mom, who seemed nice at first but made some uncomfortable comments.

For example, at a restaurant, when I mentioned a sauce in my native language, she told me to “Speak English!” My boyfriend brushed it off as a joke, but I felt embarrassed, especially since she hadn’t tried to learn any of my language.

Later, she shared a story about a man whose parents were from my country, and referred to the girl he married as “imported,” even calling her a “mail-order bride” because she didn’t speak English. I was offended, but my boyfriend didn’t defend me.

When I brought it up, he said she didn’t mean to be racist and that it would be hard for him to confront her. I feel hurt and betrayed. I love him, but I don’t want to marry into a family where casual racism is overlooked.

His mom has also said things like, “I guess I won’t be his number one anymore,” making me feel like I’m taking him away from her. She likes me, but her comments make me uncomfortable, and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to take a stand. I’m confused and unsure of how to handle the situation.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Square-Minimum-6042 −  If he is too afraid of his mother to correct her racism, why is he dating a woman of another race? It’s fine with him to subject you to her ignorant comments but not to speak with her about it? He wanted to break up but he needed his mommy’s opinion. And you stuck around? Why?

happy_crone −  “She didn’t intend to be r**ist so she is not r**ist” That is not how it works even a bit

unknownfena −  He will allow anything from his mother, you should just break up

PennylessNickel −  That’s really messed up and not okay.

NoxWild −  Think long and hard about marrying a man who defends and excuses his r**ist mother with the general excuse given by every New R**ist: “She didn’t mean it like that. It was just a joke!” Of course she “Meant it like that.” She meant exactly what she said.

Your boyfriend and his mother are doing what every New, 21st-Century R**ist does: When they are called out, they never actually consider the possibility that what they did or said was truly r**ist because they believe they “don’t see color and treat everybody the same” which is just b**lshit they tell themselves.

Maybe her offensiveness comes more from a place of ignorance than from race h**red, but her casual, just-a-joke racism **that both she and your boyfriend think is Just Fine** is plain old-fashioned racism that they expect you to overlook because it didn’t involve enslaving you or preventing you from voting.

They think, “Oh, what’s she fussing about, the silly snowflake. It is *insidious.* Do not overlook it. Your children will likely be subjected to her.

WildlifePolicyChick −  All of this is taking place in your country? Damn.. She is r**ist. She may like you, but that’s only because you aren’t like *one of them*. She is making a (begrudging) *exception* for you.

Meanwhile your boyfriend is, at best, indifferent to his mother’s racism. Unless and until he starts having some overt integrity, you’ll have decisions to make.. Talk to him, and be honest.

Able_Hat_2055 −  My dad reacted like this to my older brother’s girlfriend. They were together for a few years I believe, he didn’t live near me so I really don’t know. They broke up and my dad was telling me that my brother needed to find an Asian woman to marry as they were the only ones who would wait on him hand and foot.

I asked my dad is that was the only reason he liked the girl, he very quickly told me yes. I truly hope my dad is the only one with this world view. I’m truly disappointed and disgusted that he is my father, we aren’t close. I really hope this isn’t happening to you.

But, I had to share, just as a point of view. And by the way, I do agree that ignorance is a form of racism, because at this point it’s deliberately not learning about your culture to have the excuse to talk however she wants.

ThotHoOverThere −  Yeah not cool. If you stay with this dude it’s like you’re getting a two for one s**tty in law. Racism and overbearing mommy, think long and hard about what your future with these people will look like OP.

It is also time for some frank discussions with your boyfriend about distancing yourself from these people. Would you want your kids to be around them? Anyone that thinks blurting out “speak English” as a “joke” is actually pretty comfortable being r**ist and is in fact not joking.

AdventureWa −  I’m not sure if she’s r**ist as much as she is insensitive and unaware of what she is doing. If she were truly r**ist, she would be undermining your relationship. Talk ro your boyfriend and share your concerns.

Be polite but approach her and tell her some of her comments seem insensitive and that you don’t think she’s intentionally trying to offend you. Having lived in Asia, which is easily the most r**ist continent I’ve been on,

and it’s one of the most surprising things to people who have lived in the west who spend time there. Some of which can be chalked up to limited interaction, some of it indemic. Cultural differences can be interesting to people but they don’t always communicate with sensitivity.

-Fusselrolle- −  His mother has also said things like, “I guess I won’t be his number one anymore.” “It’s okay, you don’t need to worry, I’ll give him up to you eventually.” No, please, for your own sake, don’t date / marry a man like that!

You will always come second after mommy. He already shows you he doesn’t stand up for you. This behaviour doesn’t magically disappear when being married.

How should she address these concerns with her boyfriend? Is it possible to move forward in a relationship when casual racism is overlooked? Share your thoughts and advice below.