AITAH for not convincing my brother to come back after he cut most of our family off for their complicity in his b**lying?
A Reddit user (16F) shares her family’s struggle to reconcile with her older brother (24M, Alan), who has cut off most of the family after years of being bullied and feeling unsupported. Alan was relentlessly bullied in childhood, including physical incidents like being hit with a rock. His family and teachers dismissed it as “kids being kids,” which led to a mental breakdown in high school. Afterward, Alan lashed out at his tormentors with harsh words and nearly escalated to physical altercations. This prompted his parents to transfer him to a new school.
Since leaving home for trade school, Alan has refused to return and only maintains contact with the user and a few cousins. The parents regret their inaction and have tried to change, but Alan rejects their attempts at reconciliation. Now, other relatives are pressuring the user to convince Alan to come back, but she fears doing so will lead to him cutting her off as well. Read the full story below…
‘ AITAH for not convincing my brother to come back after he cut most of our family off for their complicity in his b**lying?’
My brother (24M-Alan) hates our family/community with a passion because of events in our childhood. Essentially, he was bullied by his peers in his childhood for whatever petty childish reasons they had. I believe that at some points it was physical, pushing him around or in the most extreme when some kid threw a rock at his head.
Our family didn’t bother trying to help since they believed it was just children being immature and they would move on from it. Most teachers didn’t care according to him and only offered to have some words with his tormentors.
As far as I can tell, the b**lying never stopped and he didn’t bother bringing it up ever again. In high school, he finally blew up and had a mental breakdown in class once it got too much for him.
Our parents realized their mistake and tried to get him help or to apologize but he just rejected their efforts. Alan became easily agitated and very angry, so now he ended up retaliating against anyone who said anything or tried to antagonize him. He did some really awful things during this time, I don’t think I can say it on Reddit without getting in trouble. The closest I can say is using personal tragedies as insults to people who irritated him.
That nearly escalated into a fight which is a whole other issue, but they pulled him from that school and put him somewhere else. He left after he got into a trade school and refuses to come back home. He only bothers talking to me (16F) and a few of our cousins via phone or text.
My Mom and Dad have changed their views on things like mental health because of what happened to Alan and take it seriously now. Recently, we’ve been getting pressure to get him to come back and try to mend things but we’re scared he’d just cut us off for even suggesting it.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
adobeacrobatreader − NTA. DONT DO THAT! Poor guy has only a couple of people he still has contact with, dont let your parents take that way from him too. Im sorry, but your parents are assholes and they dont deserve to be in your brothers life.
Perfect_Ring3489 − Nta. Dont get involved. The door is open between you and him. If you pressure him , he will cut contact with you.
IntelligentPin3925 − Well your parents changed their view waaaaaaaay to late, its their fault. Also if you do try to mend things he will 100% cut you off too.
Sensitive-Ad-5406 − “I’m not sure how you think emotionally guilting your kids will do anything for you, except ensure that we too will leave and never return.” Your parents actively chose to allow your brothers torture for years. They are every bit as vile as the bullies.. NTA.
Open_Equal_1515 − Oh boy , let me get this straight… your brother survived a childhood b**ly gauntlet , complete with rock-throwing , apathetic teachers , and the family motto of “eh , he’ll get over it ,” only to have the audacity to say “peace out” when he realized he deserved better. And now people are side-eyeing you because you’re not leading the “come back , alan” parade ? yeah , that tracks.
Let’s just quickly dissect this logic… your parents ignored his suffering , waited until he exploded in high school , and then decided , “oh hey , maybe we should care about mental health now !” great timing , right ? it’s like calling the fire department after the house has burned down because , hey , at least they’ve got new training now.
And let’s not forget the community. you know , the same crowd that collectively went , “kids will be kids ,” while alan was basically the human version of a piñata ? yeah , they’re probably real excited for him to come back so they can slap on a faux apology and call it a day.
But sure , totally your job as a teenager to smooth things over and convince him to return to the same people who made him miserable. makes perfect sense. i mean , what’s next ? hosting a “welcome back to trauma town” barbecue ?
Look , you’re not the a**hole. if anything , you’re the only one respecting his boundaries by not pressuring him to relive his personal horror movie. The family can work on their redemption arc without dragging you into it , thanks. And if alan wants to stay far away , he’s earned that right. let the man live his best , b**ly-free life !!
PenelopeLewiss − It’s his choice to heal, and pushing him could just make things worse. Let him decide when he’s ready.
blablablablaparrot − “Recently, we’ve been getting pressure to get him to come back and try to mend things but we’re scared he’d just cut us off for even suggesting it.”
If you want to keep your brother in your life, DO NOT cross his boundaries. He is a grown man now and he won’t let you or anyone pressure him to reconcile with those whom left him to drown. Do not underestimate Alan’s resolve.
Tell your parents that you will never risk your cherished relationship with your brother who was neglected by them, by ignoring his feelings like they did… and like they are still doing. You see, you have to be very clear and very firm if you want to be taken seriously.. NTA.
deathboyuk − Recently, we’ve been getting pressure to get him to come back and try to mend things. So they’ve learned precisely f**king ZERO. Protect him, and your relationship with him. These fuckers have no right to his time. They had their chance and blew it and this attitude shows they never really changed.. NTA.
Dismal-Steaks − NTA. It’s understandable that you’re hesitant to broach the subject with your brother, given his past experiences. Your family’s failure to intervene and the subsequent b**lying he endured have left deep scars. It’s ultimately his decision whether he wants to reconcile or not.
WhiteKnightPrimal − NTA. Only Alan has the right to decide if he wishes to remain NC or not, and no one should be pressuring him. Your parents haven’t learned much if they think this is a good idea. After everything that happened and their indifference to Alan’s trauma, they now want to add even more trauma. They clearly don’t take mental health seriously if they think this makes sense.
You could talk to Alan about the issue, though. Not to get him to come back to the family, but as a heads up thing. Let him know your parents are pressuring those he’s still in contact with to force him to come home.
Be clear that you don’t agree with this and it’s up to Alan how much or how little contact he wants with the people who harmed him so badly, you just want him to be aware in case someone gives in to the pressure or your parents try contacting him directly, so he can figure out how to handle it in a way that doesn’t harm him further. Tell him you’ll support him still, no matter his choice or how he chooses to handle the situation.