The guy (22M) that I (21F) am dating is learning ASL for my brother, but my friends think it’s creepy. How do I proceed with this?

A Reddit user, dating her first-ever boyfriend, shares her dilemma about his efforts to learn American Sign Language (ASL) for her deaf brother. While the user is touched by his dedication and efforts to connect with her family.

Her friends are concerned, calling it a potential red flag for obsession or manipulation. She wants advice on whether his actions are truly concerning or if she’s just overthinking. Read the full story below for more details.

‘ The guy (22M) that I (21F) am dating is learning ASL for my brother, but my friends think it’s creepy. How do I proceed with this?’

I (21F) met Jon (22M) in a college class last semester. He’s an overall great guy, and he’s very respectful and kind. He also has a great sense of humor, and we have lots of similar interests. We’ve been friends since then, and we’ve started dating this July. He’s the first person I’ve ever dated in my life.

Last September, he met my family when I visited home for my brother’s birthday. My brother (Trev, 19M) has been deaf since birth, so my whole family communicates with him either through sign language, Trev’s lip reading (but we still just sign as reflex), or through text.

During our small celebration at home, it was clear that my parents liked Jon. He was very charming, funny, and respectful. He even tried to connect with Trev by typing some of his jokes for Trev to read (although my brother could lip read as well). Whenever Jon would tell a story, either I or my parents would sign for Trev.

My parents said that they’re happy that I found a sweet and caring guy in Jon. Of course, I’m glad to hear this. Before we went back, Jon and Trev had a quick Call of Duty gaming session. For someone with Trev’s condition, he is a really “talkative” guy lol he’s very expressive and likes to communicate a lot, especially when gaming.

Of course, he couldn’t outright trashtalk, but he does the closest thing with his hands. So, there we were at Trev’s room, with Jon and Trev playing while I was translating for them.

I was laughing way too hard because Trev was trying his best to trashtalk Jon like saying he’s weak and trying to say all these expletives but I’m trying my best to tone it down for Jon. Meanwhile, I’m also translating Jon’s instructions and strategies for Trev.

Also, because this was the first time Jon met my family, he was saying all these praises to Trev like good job or we can do it better next time, although I know that deep inside, he also wants to trashtalk my brother. The two of them got along pretty well, and they’ve been having some online gaming sessions since then.

Two weeks ago, Jon visited home along with me again for my mom’s birthday. There, he surprised everyone (including me) by communicating with Trev through ASL. Jon was still at the alphabets, some basic words, and some rehearsed phrases, but we were all delighted that he even made the effort.

Trev’s face lit up and I’ve never seen him happier having a new long-term friend with low communication barriers. Apparently, Jon had been watching some Youtube tutorials and got a free subscription to Skillshare to learn ASL.

The two of them had a gaming session again, and this time, Jon and Trev could communicate more directly. Of course, it was still kinda slow and I still had to do some translating (imagine trying to baby talk to a grown man or talking to a caveman with choppy sentences lol), but I could tell Trev was having a great time.

They also got more comfortable with each other with more explicit trashtalking, which I didn’t tone down this time. Jon had been religiously learning ASL since then, and he’s making a lot of progress. I was so happy with this, so I told my close friend group from high school.

However, most of my friends, especially my closest guy friend, told me that what Jon was doing was a red flag because it could be a form of o**ession and emotional manipulation. He also said it was creepy because Jon’s becoming too attached to my family when we’ve only been dating about 5 months.

He also said that Jon might only be doing it so he could get laid or something. I know there’s some validity to what my friends said, but I’m not really convinced. Jon has been a wonderful and sincere guy the entire time, and I know it’s naive to say this because he’s my first ever relationship, but I can see this becoming long-term.

Yes, we haven’t hooked up yet because I told him I wasn’t ready yet, and he never pressured me to do it. However, is his behavior something I should really be concerned about?

Again, I don’t have any experience with dating and relationships, so I don’t know if this is something that’s truly concerning. My friends are pushing for me to break up with Jon, but I’m not sure. How do I proceed with this?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

CrystalQueen3000 −  Your friends are thieves of joy. A guy that likes you is going out of his way to learn how to communicate with your brother, that’s adorable, don’t let your “friends” s**t on it

JanetInSpain −  Damn you need better friends. Your friends are the ones who are creepy, reading so much dark intent into what is actually a very kind, thoughtful, and respectful gesture on your boyfriend’s part. How do you proceed? D**p the l**er friends.

Piilootus −  Why are your friends so cynical?? Who hurt them?? This is a really sweet gesture, he’s literally learning another language so he can communicate with your brother. That’s really kind.

ETA: how do your friends talk/view your brother? I’m kinda getting the sense that they might be seeing him as not his own person just because he has a disability and that’s why they’re so dead set on this idea that your bf is only learning ASL to get laid?

bluestjordan −  It’s one of two things: Best case scenario, your friends are toxic idiots. Worst case scenario, your friends are not your friends. Edit to add: it never occurred to any of you that he genuinely felt a friendship connection with your brother and enjoys his company outside of your relationship with him? Smells of ableism

No-Resolution713 −  I just laughed after reading this. Your really asking us that your boyfriend puting an effort to connect with your family is a red flag. To me your friend sounds red flag. Edit: thank you for the awards ✨️

MahiyyaMagdalitha −  Couldn’t get past “I know there’s some validity to what my friend said”… How? Unless you didn’t provide some pretty important info before that statement, I’m not sure how any of you turned this decent guy making attempts at being even more decent into the trash your friends spewed about “Jon”….

It’s your “closest guy friend” who is manipulating and trying to get laid, if it’s anyone… Your other friends sound pretty milktoast, too, basically ignoring your brother all this time and calling out a person who is doing what he can to make your brother feel loved and included….

Can you intuitively sense which of these is a reasonable response and which isn’t? I feel pretty clear about it and have never met any of you: Ditch your “friends”; stick with Jon.

Kaboom0022 −  Your friends are weird and mean

Square-Minimum-6042 −  I think your closest friend likes you. *Likes you* likes you. Your BF sounds wonderful, don’t listen to their nonsense. I’m happy for you and for your brother that Jon is so kind. Don’t let your friends’ jealousy make you doubt yourself or Jon.

Kragg_hack −  Your friends are wrong. He did this as a surprise for you and your family which was a wonderful gesture. If anything, I would be more concerned about your so called friends that think like this because I feel it tells more about them than Jon.

They are either jealous of your relationship, bad persons themselves since they automatically think he is doing it to manipulate you or some other bad reason for saying what they did.

So no, this is not a bad sign. It is a sign your boyfriend is more mature than his age would tell. Keep him around, and make the relationship grow in the pace you feel comfortable and if you feel like it – give him an extra hug from an internet stranger tonight for what he did.

Mark71GTX −  This guy could “get laid” with a lot less effort than it takes to learn ASL. He has enough interest in you that he has gone out of his way to learn how to communicate with a member of your immediate family

Even your “friends” just wave at your brother, but this guy took it upon himself to learn ASL after meeting your family once! I personally think it’s awesome.

Jon’s dedication to learning ASL for your brother could reflect genuine care, but it’s understandable why your friends might feel uncomfortable, given the intensity of his commitment early in the relationship.

What do you think—do you feel his efforts are out of love, or could there be hidden motives? How would you balance your relationship with family involvement without feeling pressured? Share your thoughts below.