My Wife (30F) thinks that I (30M) should leave cause she is exhusted

A Reddit user shares his struggle with his wife, who recently had their fourth child and is experiencing extreme exhaustion. Despite his efforts to be a supportive father, she has expressed wanting him to leave temporarily.

Leading him to question whether her behavior is related to postpartum depression or if he’s missing something in their relationship. The tension is escalating, and he feels unsure about what to do next. Read the full story below to understand the complexity of their situation and his desire for guidance.

‘ My Wife (30F) thinks that I (30M) should leave cause she is exhusted’

Going to try to add as much context as possible. My wife and I just had our 4th kid, he is 6 weeks old and she is telling me she is exhausted with me and thinks I should leave for a while. I’m posting because I am trying to truly understand if I am the problem or if this is postpartum issues.

These past few weeks she has gotten mad both at situations and at me for things regarding the newborn. I’ve always tried my best to be a helpful father. I do diaper changes, I do outfit changes, feed bottles when I can and do early morning shift with the baby when she allows. I also make sure I take care of our other kids.

The two that are school age, I do breakfast for them, get them up for the bus, make lunches and get them off to the bus in the AM. I also help them with homework probably 75% of the time when they have it.

Recently we have had a few instances where she blamed me for things she has done and now I have fallen short a few times and she is livid and wants me to leave for a bit. The instances where she has done something and blamed me I usually just let it run its course and say sorry how can I help even though I know she made the issue.

For example she made a bottle before church, I took it and put it in the warmer then she grabbed the bottle out and put it in the bag. Issue here was that the top wasn’t secure and it spilled everywhere and she said “you didn’t put the top on all the way”. I don’t want to knitpick so I let it go and asked how I can help.

But this week she said I give her a false sense of help. On Monday this week, I made sure the kids and baby let her get a nap, made sure the kids got their homework done and did their chore chart rewards with them. Then made sure to have dinner on her bedside when she woke up.

BUT we hung out late night gaming and she got hungry and started a DoorDash order. Since we share an account I got on the app, finished what I wanted, added her White Castle burgers to the two items she had on there and ordered.

When she found out I didn’t ask for no onions on her burger (she did not say no onions and we only ever get White Castle when drunk or super late but she usually orders) and no marinara sauce for her mozzarella sticks ( she added those). She decided to throw all the food in the bed and go to the guest room.

Today the diaper bag was forgotten when we went to the movies. She said I forgot it and I said I’m sorry I thought you grabbed it because you usually do. She said that is not the case and that she made the bottle and we wasted it.

I said since you usually make a bottle before we go and then just throw it in the bag and go I thought you did that today. She said I was delusion, started crying and then said I should leave. This is so long. I just don’t know what to do.

I feel like if I leave and go stay with my family in another state the kids suffer and this will lead to a longer separation. I also feel like if this is her postpartum depression manifesting then it’s the worst time to leave.

I just want some help. She said she was willing to go to couples counseling with me a while ago but I think at the moment she would feel like it just another thing on her plate.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

wemblewobble −  Doctor before counseling. Two things can be true at once. You can be doing everything you know how to do and she can still be drowning because 3 kids and an infant is a lot.

Probably too much for two people in all honesty.  Reach out, get help for you both. Do not leave someone you suspect has ppd with 4 kids to care for. That’s a recipe for… bad things.

abitsheeepish −  I believe I’ve been in a similar position to your wife. Post partum, my baby was actually pretty easy but I was still only holding everything together by a fingernail. And my husband was (and is) incredibly supportive and a wonderful father who takes initiative.

Me barely holding it together made me feel like an utter failure. I had an easy baby, my husband was better than any other I’d seen before, I was getting a decent amount of sleep, yet I was struggling to get through a day.

And I was *horrible* to my husband. Every little thing that went wrong I blamed him for, even when I knew it was my fault. I’m still not really sure why I treated him like that – was I trying to make him feel as bad as I did so we were “even”?

Did I take my feelings out on him because he is my safe person and I knew he’d take it? There was definitely some anxiety playing a part. But I still don’t really understand why it happened. Anyway, this went on for many months.

Then, one day, after the baby was in bed my husband and I were chatting casually and he said something that broke my heart: “The way you’ve been talking to me lately reminds me of my (a**sive) dad and I’m starting to hate myself.”

Holy s**t I can’t tell you how I bawled and bawled my eyes out. I mean, a part of me knew I’d been awful to him, but I think I’d become so self-focused on my own feelings and shortcomings that I didn’t think through the consequences of my actions, if that makes sense.

Or like I genuinely thought it was okay to treat him like a verbal punching bag because I was the one in the trenches. Or that it wouldn’t affect him so it was okay? I don’t know. God, it’s awful to think about. That man of mine is a f**king saint, let me tell you.

He carried so much on his shoulders that he shouldn’t have had to. It’s been years and I still feel so incredibly guilty and still try to make it up to him. I don’t deserve him. He’s a better person than I’ll ever be.

I’ve found myself trying to learn from him and I try and model my behaviour after his, like the way he considers a person’s feelings in every word and action, the way he gives genuine, friendly smiles to retail workers, how he makes me coffees when I’m working from home.

I love him so much and I hope I’ll never again make the mistake of letting him think otherwise. Sorry for the tangent. What I’m trying to say is – there’s probably more to her behaviour than what’s on the surface. That doesn’t make it okay!

But if she’s been a good spouse until now and this is out of character for her, she may just need a little helping hand to lift her out of the fog. Or maybe a big professional helping hand. Idk. If she’s worth it, try and find a way to bring her back to yourself.

As parenting experts say about toddlers, all behaviour is communication and sometimes you’ve got to figure out what they’re trying to communicate rather than taking the behaviour at face value.

But if it’s all too much for you, please know it’s okay for you to take a step back as well. You matter just as much as she does and you can’t rescue each other if you’re both drowning.

Initial_Donut_6098 −  Presumably you have had previous postpartum periods with her, with your older kids. Is this behavior very different than those times, or different from how she usually is?

If this is very different behavior: Has your wife had a postpartum follow-up with her ob-gyn? Where I am, that usually happens at 6 weeks, and there is a questionnaire that asks about postpartum anxiety/depression.

If that hasn’t happened, you might tell her that you would like for her to be screened, and maybe ask go with her.  In the meantime, what additional help can you afford? Your wife needs more support, and if you’re tapped out then you might need to see what other resources/networks you can tap into. 

ApprehensiveFlyer −  I’m not sure if you’ve heard of women talk about the “mental load,” but she is likely referring to that when she says she wants you to know what needs to be done without her having to say it. Essentially, it’s an entire chore in and of itself to be the one identifying and delegating the tasks that need to be done.

Instead of asking, “How can I help” and raising your hand for 2-3 items on the list, actively (and constantly) look for things needing to be done and just do them so she doesn’t need to be involved. Notice the laundry, the dishes, the toys, etc. as you move through the house and just take care of them.

After you give the kids a bath, notice the dirty clothes around the bathtub and the bath toys strewn about and pick them up (i.e. don’t create a new chore for her to stress about in the process of helping with another). Be aware of upcoming calendar events like birthday parties, etc.

Proactively get the gift and card, and wrap it. Get the logins to all the school apps and surprise her by saying you already reloaded the lunch money that was getting low or brought in the supplies that the teacher requested.

Perhaps this is already your approach and your wife is having postpartum depression/anxiety. I just thought I’d offer my advice based on similar arguments I’ve had with my own husband.

Being the primary caregiver to a newborn, waking up throughout the night to feed him/her and also trying to heal your own body can take everything a person has. What your wife probably wishes she had is two copies of herself; one to focus on those things and the other to do all the things she otherwise would normally do.

Try to cover as much of “all the other things” as you can, until she gets through this phase and everyone is getting a bit more sleep. It’s not about covering “your half” as much as it is covering both yours and hers while she is temporarily out of commission. Good luck, and congratulations on the new baby!

Fern_Pearl −  Why you taking a 6 week old to the movies??

AloeVeraBuddha −  Sometimes when you’re already o**rwhelmed, it feels easier to do everything yourself than to clean up after someone else’s f*** up. Are you in a position to hire help or a nanny for a little while?

Your wife is definitely stressed and over stimulated. I know you’re trying your best, but she needs more help and she’s getting frustrated at little missteps because she feels she cannot count on you. Perhaps leaning on your support system at this time is a good idea.

Talk to her and ask if having a nanny or your/her parents here to help for a few weeks will help her? Or just ask her what she needs and LISTEN without interjecting or getting defensive. Perhaps she just needs to vent and feel heard.

Familiar-beastie −  dude. “you usually do it, so i thought you did it” – meaning you don’t have any responsibility for the task. The tasks are just there, it’s not about who usually does it or what you thought she did. You both need to be going down the list and making sure the important things get done.

Like i go to the store, take my keys, wallet, and reusable bag. Here you have shared tasks and you both need to be checking the list even if you’re not doing everything on the list- diapers, bottle, the kid, etc.

Try communicating in the moment, like before leaving the house “I got xy do we have z?” or “we need xyz, i’ll get xz, could ya get y?” or “do we have xyz? (then pick sth to help with)”

Quality-Organic −  I didn’t know how much anxiety was affecting my mood until I started an anti-anxiety medication. Even my super low 2.5 mg dose of Lexapro has almost completely eliminated my irritability, anger, and nitpicking. It’s worth a try for your wife. It’s breastfeeding safe and available via PCP or even telemedicine.

I would not use the term “helping” when you describe what you do for the family. You’re not helping her, you’re carrying out responsibilities that you both have equally. If you wouldn’t say she’s helping you when she takes care of the kids or house, you’re not helping her either.

I would not leave her or the kids. I’d have a conversation that’s focused on emotional connection. Ask how she’s feeling and what she’s hoping for, validate, listen, ask some more. Maybe even take notes so she knows you’re really listening.

Ask if you could share how you feel, and try to find common values, like loving your family you’ve built together, wanting to be there for each other, wanting everyone to be happy and secure.

Once you have emotional connection and you’ve reminded each other what binds you together, you could move on to problem solving when you’re both ready. Brainstorm together ways to manage the overwhelm. You sound like a thoughtful, invested partner, btw. She’s lucky to have you.

Ladyughsalot1 −  It can be 3 things at once . PPD . You needing to step up more. You truly feeling you are doing your best.  The “you usually get it” for the diaper bag makes me think that sometimes she wants you to take that initiative. Same with the bottle lid. She wants you to be responsible for this stuff too. That doesn’t negate what you *are* doing. 

MushroomEntire841 −  I understand her. It seems to me that she is only tired of the mental load. She has to tell you what to do, because you either don’t know or pretend not to know what to do, but after 4 kids it’s hard to believe you don’t actually know.

My husband is incredibly supportive, but sometimes I snap at him, because I am the one who have to keep reminding things like: what to take when we go out, the child has to eat, what he needs to it, teeth need to be brushed before bed, appointment for doctors, the babies clothes are too small, we need to buy new ones.

All this mental load is exhausting, she should not have to tell you what to do, it’s your children too. Be more proactive. Stop asking or waiting for her to do the stuff you can do.

Balancing the demands of a growing family can be incredibly challenging, especially when one partner feels overwhelmed. Do you think his wife’s exhaustion is a result of postpartum depression,

or is there deeper relationship strain? How would you handle a situation where your partner wants space but you fear it might make things worse? Share your thoughts below.