My girlfriend is depressed due to the fact she might not be able to have kids
A Reddit user (23M) shares his heartbreak as his girlfriend (23F) struggles with depression after learning she might not be able to have children. Despite his unwavering love and support, she believes she’s no longer “enough” for him, pushing him away to protect him. Read the full story of his emotional struggle below.
‘ My girlfriend is depressed due to the fact she might not be able to have kids’
So I (23M) am in shambles right now. My girlfriend (23F) of just under 3 years wants to break up as the doctors have told her that her egg quality is horrible and it’s very unlikely that she will be able to have kids. She told me that and apologized to me.
I immediately told her that she didn’t have to apologize to me and that I love her and my life doesn’t change because of that news, as I consider my life to be waking up next to her. She fully went into a depressive state and wanted to not speak for a little bit which I respected and gave her the space on Monday.
Then the following Saturday I ask if we can talk as I wanted to know how much time she needed while also affirming that i am here to support her no matter what. She then on call said that we should end it, as she believes that she is not a “woman” anymore due to the inability of not having kids.
I told her she is a woman and that kids do not define her. I told her to please not do this as she is pushing away me the person that is meant to be there who wants to be there. She blocked me on Instagram and Snapchat but left our messages where we have kept some contact.
She keeps on apologizing to me and saying that I deserve a woman who can fulfill all my wants. Even tho I keep telling her that all I want is her. I’ve told her that no matter what through thick and thin she is the only thing I need and that in this current moment I don’t want anything other than to be there for you.
She keeps saying no as she thinks she’s protecting me. But she’s gone out of town with her family and has her therapy session on Friday which she said she would talk to them about this situation. I know she’s just hurting and I keep messaging her that I’m there.
Am I cooked, do I give up? I don’t want to she’s genuinely the love of my life, the person I want to grow old with the person I envision doing everything with. Please help me.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Frndlylndlrd − Did an obgyn tell her this or more of a specialist? I know that’s not the most relevant question but still.
newbeginingshey − (1) it’s not yet time to give up on her. Go and tell her what you said here. Tell her you’re not leaving. (2) unlikely = / = impossible. She has low egg quality so they told her she’s unlikely to conceive. I bet if she then turned around said, okay, she’ll stop taking her birth control then, they’d sound a lot less sure of themselves.
(3) There are many ways to make a family. You already know that. Tell her you want to make a family with her – assuming I read your intentions right – however that unfolds.
Notreal6909873 − You’re such a good partner it brought me to tears 😭 infertility f**king sucks, just be there for her as much as you can, she’s dealing with some unimaginable to you,
but the empathy and understanding you have is beyond clear and will validate her and help bring her out of this. She will mother in other ways, please explain that to her. Good luck.💕💕
Raizelle85 − Freezing eggs is not an indicator of quality. You can only assess the quality when you fertilize eggs. It’s possible she has low AMH or diminished reserve, but even that doesn’t mean she’s infertile.
imtchogirl − I’m sure this is very difficult for her. But there are also plenty of options left, including using a donor egg to create an embryo. Of course plenty of ways to become a parent without carrying too. She beat the odds of life. She’s already incredible. Science and medicine can help her achieve this dream too when she’s ready.
Just be there for her, listen when she’s ready to talk, and don’t dismiss her feelings or try to fix it. Just be there and listen. Don’t freak out about being blocked. That’s her trying to deal on her own.. But you can be patient and be kind.
JollyPollyLando92 − I got told I had very low fertility when I was 21, it took me three years to fully mourn my loss of what I expected to be a given and many more years to learn how flawed that assessment was.
Unfortunately women’s health is often not well researched or understood or explained. Be there for her, don’t give up, it’s great that she’s in therapy, that will help.
Initial_Donut_6098 − Most of the comments here are focused on the wrong thing, the circumstances around your girlfriend’s fertility. They are relevant, but the main issue is that the girlfriend is dealing with news that has been devastating for her. And yes, she’s spiraling, but she has a therapist so she has access to professional help.
OP, it makes sense that you’re scared and sad — it’s an awful situation— but you have to give this thing time to play out. Give her some space, don’t check in too often, find things to keep yourself busy. It’s only been a couple of weeks, and that’s not a long time to come to terms with news like this.
[Reddit User] − She’s too young to give up. I’ve seen impossible things happen. My cousin is a cancer survivor, her cervix was removed at the age of 30 and everyone told her she would never have kids as her uterus was “sealed” due to the cervix extraction.
She is a proud mom of twins, she had a c-section and everything was fine. She is very young, medicine advances every year, hope is always there! Besides, you said the word “might not”, it doesn’t mean they confirmed 100% she won’t, right?
Nurse_beep − I understand how your girlfriend is feeling. It’s a devastating and depressive feeling that is hard to understand unless you’ve been through it personally. In her eyes, she’s probably being distant and pushing you away as a way to protect you from having to deal with all this and give you an opportunity for a future she may not be able to provide.
I‘ve gone through multiple rounds of IVF and my egg quality has been different each time. Egg quality can be improved in some instances, through autoimmune protocols, diet, medications, and supplements.
Following up with a reproductive endocrinologist for next steps, therapy to process her feelings, and reading It Starts With The Egg book is a starting point. I know she’s keeping you at arm’s length, but just try to be there for her and tell her not to give up hope! Best of luck.
snsv − I wonder if she’s projecting and if the shoe were on the other foot (you having fertility issues) that she’d be out. There’s a lot going on here, like… did you really want children? Is adoption an option? Sometimes the doctors get it wrong. Is she your first girlfriend?
Is your true soulmate someone who shuts you out when things go bad? How much of you being okay with this is going to stick long term? What’s the likelihood of resentment later? I know a lot of people are like… what kind of man am I if I cut and run whenever things go bad?
But sometimes when things go bad that’s a dealbreaker. Having children is one of those things. Ultimately she will need some time to work these feelings out with her therapist. You can be there for her to support but you can’t make her speed up her processing the situation.
Should he continue reaching out and showing support, or give her the space she feels she needs? How would you navigate this delicate balance of love, mental health, and self-worth in a relationship? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the sequel: Part 2: https://aita.pics/mIzsz
Part 3: https://aita.pics/GbJlv