How to decline a hug politely?

A Redditor (34F) is facing a delicate dilemma about how to politely decline hugs from a close friend (33M) due to his severe dandruff problem. Although they’ve been affectionate friends for years, the situation has left her feeling uncomfortable. She’s also concerned about how her refusal might be perceived.

Especially since she recently started a new relationship. She’s seeking advice on whether to address the dandruff issue directly, decline the hug politely, or simply bear with it to avoid hurt feelings. Read the original story below to see how she navigates this tricky situation.

‘ How to decline a hug politely? ‘

I’m (34f) a big hugger, and so is a good friend of mine (33m) that I’ve known for about 8 years. If he or I want a hug, we give each other a big hug. He’s married to another man, so no issues with feelings here. Trouble is, he has a dandruff problem and last time I saw him it was out of control.

He brushed his shoulders off in my presence and it was like he was shaking a salt shaker. He and I take the same meds so I know it’s dry skin caused by taking them. The thing is I use dandruff shampoo and make sure I don’t have an issue.

He and his husband lived with me for a few months and he was using my dandruff shampoos, so he’s well aware of their existence and that he has an issue. Last time I saw him I was grossed out and definitely didn’t want a hug.

I just recently got a boyfriend and I’m concerned if I decline a hug (“ah, no thanks, I’d rather not hug”) they are going to think my boyfriend is controlling or something since we’ve always hugged before.

I’m wondering if I can try to say it in a sassy, playful way “boy no I don’t want a hug, you’re snowing harder than a blizzard” but I wonder if that will still hurt his feelings. I think if I told his husband directly, he probably wouldn’t do much about it

(I have a suspicion that he doesn’t help my friend in his appearance because he doesn’t want him being approachable — my friend is attractive and husband has reason to have trust issues. Just a disclaimer, they do go to couples therapy but I definitely don’t want to have any say in their relationship)

Thanks if you got this far reading! Am I overthinking it? Should I just grit my teeth and bear it and hug? Should I just say “I’d prefer not to have a hug at this time”? Should I say his dandruff issue is getting out of hand?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

sikkerhet −  you really need to be able to just tell your friend that he has a noticeable dandruff problem. Most people would really rather a friend told them respectfully that they have a solvable hygiene issue than finding out from a rude stranger.

lilmxfi −  As someone who has dandruff due to eczema, the kindest way anyone ever said anything about it was “Hey, I just wanna make sure everything’s good. I noticed a little flakiness last time you were here, and that can be a sign of dermatitis, eczema, or other health concerns. You may wanna get it checked.”

It comes off as caring and concerned, it brings up that it’s something that he may not have control over, and it addresses the problem in a gentle way. If you’re not up for that, you can just say “I’m not up for hugs today. I’m just kinda feeling touched-out and need a break from that stuff, but if you want a fist-bump/high five/etc,

I’m good with that!” It keeps any blame from being assigned to anyone, it’s putting the reason on you and you alone so no misinterpreting it as “overprotective boyfriend”, and it buys you time to figure out how to address this.

However, I’d suggest the first route. If this is your good buddy, something like that coming from you is gonna be appreciated, I promise you. Good luck to you, and I hope your friend finds some relief from the flakes.

(Also, thank you for being so considerate of his feelings, you would not believe how many people make snide remarks about dandruff to the people who have it.)

almostselfrealised −  If you’re that close, hopefully he’ll appreciate you pointing it out to him. Other people will be noticing as well and are probably not as kind with their judgements.

Sweet-Talker-1997 −  You’re gonna have to be a good friend and hurt your buddy’s feelings by telling him about his dandruff problem.
If not, there’s no real way to decline a hug politely except extending your hand out for a handshake or something like that.

ImaginationIll3070 −  Just Tell your buddy I. A supportive way. “Hey dude I noticed this. I know you take this med too and I’ve had this issue and I’d want someone to tell me if they noticed it.”

ksarahsarah27 −  If he’s your friend, just say something in a light joking way. Why don’t you get him a bottle and give it to him. And say something like, “Yo dude, it’s winter time,

you gotta start using the shampoo again otherwise you’re really gonna dry out your scalp.” You could make something up and say that your scalp is dry too or etc. just to make him feel like he’s not alone.

liquidsoapisbetter −  Just figured I’d mention that although you’ve dealt with dry scalp from the same med, it’s possible he may have a scalp condition such as psoriasis or seborrheic dermatitis (not sure if you ever actually talked to him about it before).

It may be possible he is actually using shampoo specific for his scalp and he’s just having a flare-up right now. Bring it up in a casual way, like “hey man, I noticed your scalp has been dry lately.

I had a similar issue a while back from (medication name) and (shampoo name) helped a lot with it”. Buy an extra bottle in advance and offer to let him take your spare. If it turns out he’s been treating it himself over the counter and it’s not working, suggest he see a dermatologist as it may be a skin condition.

If he’s only been trying one shampoo such as a zinc-based, suggest he try a ketoconazole, coal tar, salicylic acid, selenium, or topical corticosteroid. If he already sees a derm and has been treating as prescribed, offer your sympathy and don’t push the topic further because that means he is aware and doing what he can.

As someone with psoriasis, I’ll be real honest with you. I get super embarrassed when I have flare ups, and my friends and family do wonders for my peace of mind when they show that they don’t care about it. I about cried when one offered to help comb and do a deep shampoo for me when I had an important interview.

Being judged for having a genuine scalp condition hurts just as much as being judged for having acne, especially because people often attribute it to bad hygiene. If his dandruff is legit due to bad hygiene it does need to be addressed though.

If it genuinely is too much for you to stand being in contact with, please be sure to make sure you are completely nonjudgmental with your friend, otherwise it is possible he will be hurt. If you’re able to s**k it up to be a good friend that would be great, but it is okay to have boundaries.

jolly_FAWN −  if hes ur real buddy just say “id love a hug, but last time you kinda rained snowfall on my shoulder“ dont be too sassy. Suggest some more/better shampoo. He’ll find it helpful and be grateful to have a friend that can tell him straight up.

tlf555 −  Since he’s a good friend, just talk to him directly about it.

als_pals −  You can bring it up by telling him you had the same problem, which will make him feel less alone. “Ah yeah x medicine gave me k**ler dandruff. I started using y shampoo and it’s really helped!”

How would you handle an awkward situation like this? Is it better to politely set boundaries, offer constructive feedback about the dandruff issue, or just accept the hug and move on? Share your thoughts and suggestions below!