My (22F) boyfriend (25M) is jeopardising his wellbeing for “fitness”. How do I convey the seriousness of the situation to him without it sounding like an attack?

A Redditor (22F) is deeply concerned about her boyfriend (25M) of 1.5 years, who has been using performance-enhancing drugs for bodybuilding despite the serious health risks. After he suffered a cardiac arrest, his doctor warned that the gear was likely the cause, yet he continues to use it, prioritizing his physical appearance over his well-being.

The Redditor is unsure how to communicate the seriousness of the situation without sounding like an attack, as she fears his body dysmorphia and desire to remain “massive” may cloud his judgment. Read the original story below to dive into her struggle to help him before it’s too late.

‘ My (22F) boyfriend (25M) is jeopardising his wellbeing for “fitness”. How do I convey the seriousness of the situation to him without it sounding like an attack?’

So my (21F; sorry for the typo in the title) boyfriend (25M) of 1.5 years is an aspiring bodybuilder. He’s been lifting since he was 15 years old and he’s very fit, looks like a typical bodybuilder. The problem though, is he’s on gear. Been on it for the last year or so.

He says it’s all done under medical supervision and I know he goes to some clinic, I’ve dropped him off before and it did look pretty legit, so I never firmly objected until a month back. Because he had a cardiac arrest in the gym. At 25. I know some people do okay on gear but for him, it’s only detriment.

He has extremely painful cystic acne on his body, his temper get scarier and scarier each day, hair loss in clumps and recently, the cardiac arrest was my last straw. Especially because his cardiologist straight up said there were no abnormalities that should’ve caused this so it was highly likely to have been the gear.

I made my concern for his usage clear soon after his episode but gave it a month for him to recover, not wanting to stress him out and trigger anything else but I’m insanely worried about him and this seems like something that is very preventable.

He has spoken about going off gear before, saying he doesn’t like himself on it but quickly rejected that thought because he “likes being massive and absolutely jacked”. It’s only been a month since his CA and he’s already back in the gym, lifting extremely heavy weights against doctor’s advice.

I’ve spoken about it but I’m a little stuck on how to go about it. I’ve seen pictures of him from before when he started and he seemed to have excellent genetics to begin with, he’s always been a big guy so I’m concerned there’s an element of body dysmorphia as well.

I want to help him and convince him to get off the gear but I don’t know how to approach it without being insensitive or making him pull away because I genuinely want him to understand how it’s killing him. Any advice on how to approach this is greatly appreciated!!

See what others had to share with OP:

SoGoesIt −  You’re scared of his temper, and he obviously values his physique over his long term health. If you live together, move out. He has to change for himself for this to work out, and if you give him any ultimatum he’ll at most be changing for you. Tell him you love him, but that you can’t watch him destroy himself over this, and leave.

sweadle −  He has body dysmorphia. This is a mental health issue he needs to be ready to address on his own. No one is okay on gear.

honeybunny991 −  You can’t make someone change if they don’t want to. Unfortunately you need to either accept him and the lifestyle he’s choosing or leave. He could try therapy to start.

If he’s unwilling to change then you will need to decide if you’re okay with being a 20 something year old widow. It will catch up to him sooner or later if he’s already had a cardiac arrest and isn’t changing his habits. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Green_Toe −  We got our buddy off gear by exclusively referring to it as gender affirming care and keeping the conversation supportive but only in that context. He eventually sought therapy and realized that the masculine ideal he’d sought was symptomatic of body dysmorphia.

I’m of the opinion that no amount of gear usage is healthy. People who use gear with clinical oversight and the best information informing their actions are still doing so for many of the same reasons behind other cases of dysmorphia/dysphoria, but without a conscious acknowledgement of their motivation.

MidNightMare5998 −  Look, I’m not saying you need to break up, but he needs a real wake-up call. I would try to organize an intervention with his family and friends, because I’m sure you’re all concerned about him. See if you can get a social worker to help facilitate it, if you can afford it.

Otherwise, I think the best plan would be to move out, at least temporarily. That could also be the wake-up call he needs, but be prepared for him to not stop and needing to cut ties. Better that than finding him dead one day at home.

tenebrasocculta −  I would end the relationship. Whatever body image issues are causing him to abuse steroids and over-exercise even after a freaking cardiac arrest aren’t anything you’ll be able to address if only you can present the topic the right way.

He won’t be willing to hear it, and he’s blocking your efforts to bring it up by raging at you when you try. It’s a non-starter, so I’d bail now before he starts getting violent, too.

Wwwweeeeeeee −  You should take out a nice fat life insurance policy on him, if he’s going to continue to abuse himself and if you’re going to continue to tolerate his behavior within a relationship. He should also seek therapy for his insecurities and self-image issues.

Laughing_Lemon −  Lots of body builders end up developing some sort of body dysmorphia, and it can lead to negative outcomes if he’s too focused on his physique. Dude needs therapy, as it’s a mental health issue.

decaturbob −  – “gear” will definitely impact the mental aspect of your guy, the s**t is dangerous for a reason. – if you expressed concern previously and he did not care…he isn’t going to care now…your choice is put up and remain or leave. This s**t has some bad endings and you do not want that to be your story.

gaelen33 −  Oh man that sucks OP, sorry. I bet it’s similar to an addiction, where he feels a compulsion to do it, would be upset if forced to stop, and is very sensitive and reactive to criticism?

Maybe go to some Al-anon meetings or something, I know it’s not quite the same thing but you might learn some useful tips on how to help someone who has an irrational need for something. He probably thinks this is necessary for accomplishing his goals,

so he’s going to have many reasons why he “can’t” or shouldn’t quit, and it’s only when he hits rock bottom that he will be able to change. You can accompany him on this journey, or give him some information, warnings, and your deepest well-wishes and go your separate ways

Do you think the Redditor’s concerns about her boyfriend’s use of performance-enhancing drugs are justified, or is his pursuit of bodybuilding too important to let go of? How would you approach a situation where a loved one is risking their health for appearance or performance? Share your thoughts and advice below!