I (25f) read messages between my boyfriend of 8 years (24m) and his female friend (28f).

A Redditor (25F) shared a deeply troubling experience involving her boyfriend (24M) of 8 years and his female friend (28F). While using his computer, she came across unsettling messages between the two, where the friend expressed feelings of longing and affection, including comments about craving his touch.

Despite the boyfriend’s claim that the messages were not about him, the Redditor is shaken by the breach of trust, especially after realizing he had deleted the messages.

She is left questioning whether it’s reasonable to ask him to end the friendship or if it’s time to walk away from the relationship. Read the original story below to explore the complexities of this situation.

‘ I (25f) read messages between my boyfriend of 8 years (24m) and his female friend (28f).’

I (25f) read messages between my boyfriend of 8 years (24m) and his female friend (28f). Today, I (25f) sat down at my boyfriend’s (24m) computer (he knew I was going to use it for something). Facebook was open in one of his tabs, and while I acknowledge I may have crossed a boundary, I intentionally opened his conversation with someone.

This person is a female coworker from over a year ago with whom he developed a friendship (they no longer work together). She frequently initiates plans to spend time together, which on its own isn’t a red flag. However, there are other behaviors that have raised concerns for me in the past.

She often uses him as her primary emotional outlet for things like dating issues, relationship advice, and other personal struggles. She frequently refers to him as “dear,” invites him to expensive outings, and often calls him in distress when something’s wrong in her life.

For some context: she’s a single mom, an immigrant, and has been through an a**sive marriage in the past, which I thought might explain her emotional dependence on him. However, things have felt more uncomfortable recently. For example, she’s sent texts like, “Do you think someone like you would ever want to marry someone like me?”

Fast forward to today—I opened their conversation and saw some troubling messages. They had just spent an evening together last night. She mentioned spending time with a “young man” yesterday, and said she thought she could fall in love with him, that she needed more of his hugs, that she was craving his touch.

She said “I miss you” and my boyfriend responded, saying she was sweet and that he missed her too. On top of the clear red flags in the messages themselves, I also know that she belongs to a religion that prohibits physical contact between unmarried men and women, so even a hug would be significant in their context.

When I was reading their conversation, I noticed that the messages suddenly disappeared. It became clear that he had deleted them on another device, which had synced to the computer. I confronted him immediately, and he admitted that he intentionally removed the messages because he knew how it would look.

He insisted that the texts about craving the touch of a man she could fall in love with were about someone else, but given the context of their conversation, I can’t bring myself to believe that. At this point, I feel betrayed, humiliated, and like a serious boundary has been crossed.

I also feel regret for having dismissed some of her concerning behaviors in the past, thinking her emotional vulnerability and difficult background justified her actions. I feel shocked, disgusted, and as though I’m grieving the trust I once had in him.

Given all of this, I don’t know how to proceed. Would it be justifiable to ask him to cease all contact with her, or should I just call it quits and not try to salvage the relationship?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

410Writer −  You’re dealing with two problems: him and *her*. First, you’re not crazy for feeling betrayed…your gut saw the red flags.
Deleting messages? That’s the digital equivalent of setting the evidence on fire. If there was truly nothing inappropriate, why the cover-up?

This “friend” isn’t just emotionally dependent; she’s planting little seeds of romantic hope and watching them sprout while your boyfriend waters the garden. Her “I could fall in love with you” and “craving your touch” lines are *not* how friends talk, especially when he’s responding with “I miss you.” Come on now, you know better.

Your boyfriend’s loyalty should be as clear as a freshly Windexed window…not a smudgy mess that needs explaining. At the very least, he’s been entertaining inappropriate behavior, and at worst, he’s emotionally cheating.

*Trust is on life support, and your boyfriend handed her the scalpel.* **You need a blunt conversation**. Lay it all out… the deleted texts, the sketchy responses, and how it’s making you feel.

If he’s defensive instead of owning up, that’s a big red flag wrapped in thorns. **But can you trust him again?** Because without trust, this relationship is a sinking ship, and you deserve better than to drown in his excuses.

WinterFront1431 −  I would call the relationship quits. But that’s me. I don’t do second chances with infidelity, and this is what this is. Someone who loves you wouldn’t put themselves in a position to lose you.

Ok-Willow5217 −  Borderline emotional affair, if not already. Everything about this screams red flags. He should have put boundaries between himself and her the moment they started hanging out. Wildly inappropriate.

The minute he felt the need to delete ANY message from this woman, should’ve been a wake up call that what was being said is not appropriate when he’s in a relationship. He needs to choose what’s more important to him now.

He cannot have a girlfriend and also a “friend” that lusts over him. It’s possible his ego is getting stroked by this woman, but in allowing her behavior to continue, it has disrespected your relationship.

He allowed this to happen. He failed as your partner. He hid a lot from you, and there is probably more you do not know about. If she feels comfortable talking to and texting him like this, more is happening in person and he’s encouraging it.

st-alexandria −  These aren’t ‘flags’. This is unequivocal evidence of emotional cheating, at the very least. Personally, I’d leave and let him find out the hard way that a relationship with someone is very different to having an emotional affair for ego validation.

ETA: Also, just me personally, anything you feel the need to hide from your partner is cheating in some form.

NorthEndChicken −  Never allow anyone to disrespect you. You’re worth so much more than that. Took me a long time to learn.

madworld3232 −  He’s having an emotional affair with this woman and if he hasn’t already he will sleep with her, regardless of her religion. He easily lied to your face and hide his messages from you, don’t you wonder what he’s doing on his dates with her?

Because that’s what they are – dates. No one spends their time, attention and energy on someone they don’t care for as much as he does with her. If he loves you and wants to continue the relationship with you he’ll immediately and completely cut contact with the woman.

If he gives you any argument that she’s just a friend you’ll know where you stand, he’d rather fight for a relationship with her than one with you.

DinoMimi −  That’s at least weird af, you should definitely talk to him and ask him to set boundaries ASAP. Probably cut contact with her (idk if that’s too extreme).

Cellocanyouhearme −  If it wasn’t evidence of cheating, why delete the messages? When she said those things, he should have given responses that proved his loyalty to you. I’d bet that if you broke it off with him he would end up with her and for now he’s keeping his options open. That trust your grieving will likely not come back.

Alkirawr −  I have mostly male friends, and we discuss relationships, even s**, but it’s purely platonic. Never have I ever gotten a feeling they were talking about me if it’s completely platonic. If they are inappropriate, I set boundaries. I love my boys, they’re always there for me – always.

I have deep emotional bonds with each of them and I speak to them a lot. The worst I would say is ‘your gf is lucky to be with someone who would do that for her’ etc etc., never about ME and them, that’s completely wrong.

In no situation does my mind go there because they’re my friends, and I wouldn’t be friends either if they said weird stuff continuously like that. If you like me, you’re gonna have to tell me. You can talk about these things with the opposite s**, but bro, he knew what she was getting at.

That’s why he deleted them. Now, that doesn’t mean that he reciprocates, but he knows that their friendship is inappropriate or can be perceived poorly by YOU. That’s huge. Also, my relationships with my guy friends ABSOLUTELY are subject to change if I’m/they’re in a relationship.

Respecting the relationship comes first. We love talking about our relationships. They’re a huge part of our lives, but there’s a way to be respectful of your friends partner/your partner.

VicePrincipalNero −  He deleted the messages because he’s dating this woman.

Do you think the Redditor’s concerns about the relationship are justified, or is her boyfriend’s friendship with the female coworker innocent? How would you handle a breach of trust like this in a long-term relationship? Would you ask for boundaries to be set, or is it time to move on? Share your thoughts below!