Husband (36M) causes me (35F) to have asthma attacks with his deodorant?

A Reddit user shared a deeply frustrating and distressing situation with her husband, whose continued use of aerosol deodorants triggers her severe asthma attacks.

Despite her decade-long allergy and repeated pleas, he insists on using the product in shared spaces, dismissing her health concerns and even accusing her of being dramatic. Read the full story below to explore her struggle for empathy and understanding in her marriage.

‘ Husband (36M) causes me (35F) to have asthma attacks with his deodorant?’

I am allergic to aerosols. I have had this allergy since 2014, and my symptoms are an asthma attack, several hours of constant coughing and throat clearing, followed by a couple days of post nasal drip. My husband uses copious amounts of Axe deodorant and body spray.

I have had countless asthma attacks because of it and this has been a recurrent issue during the 8 years we’ve lived together. I’ve been late to work because of them (back when I used to have to bike to work).

Sometimes he seems like he believes me and cares about me, but other times he does what he wants and gets angry at me when I start coughing. Sometimes he will respect my allergy and keep the products out for the house, and sometimes he won’t.

He will not agree to stop using my allergen in the house altogether permanently, so I have tried to “compromise” by asking him to restrict its use to the bathroom, the garage, his car, but I’m getting extremely frustrated because then I will just end up having a slightly less intense asthma attack when I next go into whichever space he’s using the product.

This is the best I’ve been able to negotiate out of him, but it’s not enough for me to feel respected and cared about. I’m still dealing with the fallout multiple times a week. He just leaves for the day and doesn’t see the effect it has on me. When he does witness an attack, he gets angry at me for being “dramatic.”

This morning I had a sudden and severe coughing fit while helping my son in the bathroom where my husband had just used the Axe. I used my rescue inhaler, lay down, and asked my husband to please stop using it in the house altogether. In the process,

I started crying from the combination of coughing itself, chest discomfort, anxiety, and frustration. He got upset with me and insisted, as he has on other occasions, “But I used it in the bathroom!” and “You could have communicated this without crying.”

Except I have made variations of the same request dozens of times, and my request doesn’t make a difference. If I’m calm while communicating something, I get ignored. If I’m not calm, he lashes out at me and dismisses my concern because I didn’t communicate it the right way. I’m not deliberately crying to be m**ipulative.

My husband thinks this is a thing, but for me crying is involuntary and not an underhanded tactic. I’m crying because I feel helpless. My chest hurts, I can’t stop coughing, I now have to cancel the plans I just made with my son to take him to the library, and my husband is now angry with me and we’re fighting about it in front of my son.

Add to this, I get anxiety about being home alone caring for my son when my asthma is acting up. I don’t like the thought of something worse happening (I’ve already been to months of therapy for intrusive thoughts of variations of this scenario, not specific to asthma but just anything that leaves my son uncared for while I’m incapacitated).

Everything about my husband’s reaction makes me feel crazy. This is not a new allergy. I’ve had it for a decade. I’ve asked nicely, I’ve asked insistently without crying, and I’ve begged while crying (not on purpose but just due to circumstance). What can I do differently to impress upon him the physical distress of a respiratory allergy?

He’s never had an asthma attack, so I wonder if he thinks they’re fake. I don’t understand why he can’t switch to a non-aerosol. At the very least, I wish he would use it outdoors 100% of the time. I don’t want aerosols in the house. I don’t understand why he is so comfortable causing me to have asthma attacks.

Or how he justifies lashing out at me when I do. Please help me find a way to help him empathize with me and take this seriously, as nothing I’ve done has made a lasting difference.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

bakedbombshell −  Holy s**t, you need to physically separate NOW. You could f**king die from an asthma attack from this and he is getting angry at you about it. Please please please find a way to get somewhere safe.

JFC_ucantbeserious −  You can’t continue to live with this person. I just don’t see any other option. This is your health. There is no special way of “explaining” it to someone who is telling you over and over and over again that he **does not care.**

I know it’s easier to believe that the problem is in how you’re communicating, but it really truly is not. **He understands perfectly well that his behavior threatens your health. And he does not care.** That is not an interpretation.

That is a factual description. He knows the impact of his body spray, and continue to do it anyway. He also mocks and insults you when you plead with *your husband* to give a s**t about your health and wellbeing. There isn’t a lower bar than *not wanting your partner to suffer and possibly die.*

Fern_Pearl −  You wrote a very long post to say ‘My husband cares nothing about my well-being.’ What are you doing making Reddit posts, op?? You should be packing to leave this man who CONSTANTLY ENDANGERS YOUR HEALTH.

n_adel −  My immediate reaction here would be “why do you love axe body spray than your own wife.” Is he 15? This guy sounds like he sucks. Also what grown man still uses Axe?

Eyupmeduck1989 −  Sorry but your husband literally doesn’t care if you live or die. It is that serious. It’s not that there’s some magic combination of words you can tell him to make him care.

He already knows how it affects you, he’s seen it, _he doesn’t care_.. You deserve so much better. You can’t keep living with him. If it were me, I’d not stay married to someone who so blatantly didn’t give a s**t about me.

Locked_in_a_room −  Are you sure he’s not trying to kill you? Are you sure he doesn’t have life insurance out on you? He certainly doesn’t even LIKE you, let alone love you.

elwynbrooks −  I don’t understand why he can’t switch to a non-aerosol.. Oh, he *can*. He just *won’t*. In 8 years, I’m assuming he’s used more than one can of this stuff. So every time he goes to the store and restocks,

he is (consciously or not) making the decision that the g**damn body spray is more important than your lungs, mental health, and feelings. The other day my dog left the room whining when I lit a candle, and it turns out she just doesn’t like that scent. I like that candle a lot. I have already arranged to give that candle away to a friend.

I’m giving up that scent for my dog, and she’s not even dying when I use it. Don’t let the bar be lower for you than it is for my damn dog.
With all due respect, your husband is trash.

Sarabeth61 −  ~how~ why have you put up with this for 8 years?! This is insane levels of assholery.

kgberton −  I don’t know how you come back from this level of disrespect and lack of care to be honest. I don’t know if his opinion of you even can be turned around. 

jael001 −  People die from asthma attacks, does he not realise that? A child in my class at school died from one when I was about 10. He doesn’t care about you. He’s purposely buying and using a product he knows will endanger your life and he doesn’t care.

Do you think the husband’s behavior shows a lack of empathy, or is there a deeper issue at play? How would you approach resolving such a conflict involving health and mutual respect in a marriage? Share your thoughts below!