How do I (27F) explain to my husband (30M) that him screaming at video games is not okay?

A 27-year-old woman is seeking advice on how to address her husband’s habit of screaming loudly while playing video games. While he considers it “being passionate,” she finds it embarrassing, disruptive, and a poor example for future children.

Despite improvement in other areas, he doesn’t see an issue with the volume or intensity of his reactions, leaving her unsure how to communicate the problem effectively.

‘ How do I (27F) explain to my husband (30M) that him screaming at video games is not okay?’

I (27F) have been with my husband (30M) for close to 10 years (2.5 years married). Through the years we’ve obviously had our ups and downs, but we are in a big slump right now. We decided to start trying to have kids recently, and even went through a bunch of genetic and fertility tests to make sure we were prepared.

A few months in, I realized that there were so many traits and behaviors that we both (but mostly my husband) needed to work on before I felt comfortable having kids with him. One of the biggest things was his lack of emotional awareness and control.

He has one of the biggest hearts ever but he also can be pretty ruthless sometimes. The biggest problem that made me “snap out of it” was the fact that when he plays video games, whether winning or losing, he screams pretty loud.

He calls it “being passionate” but it’s so uncomfortable and embarrassing. He used to say pretty vulgar (and non-politically correct terms, which I set pretty firm expectations against) and has gotten better about that, but the screaming has not stopped.

I know that this behavior is common in some gaming spaces, but I just can’t get over or past it. I do not want to raise our kids with that as an example of expressing emotions of anger, dissatisfaction, or even triumph.

He has thrown things (controller, his phone, etc) in the past and has gotten away from that habit but he still doesn’t see the issue with his the screaming. To add context here, we live in a suburban area and he has an office/game room we have built in the garage.

I can hear him in our front and back yards, in the house, and at our mailbox across the street sometimes. How do I explain to him that his volume and aggressiveness is not okay?

TL;DR: How do I explain to my husband that even though he’s worked on some of his aggressive video game behaviors, it’s still not okay for him to scream loud enough that I can hear him across the street (win or lose) and that what he is doing is not “being passionate”, but a toxic or gross behavior?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

JFC_ucantbeserious −  Have you ever recorded him doing it and played it back to him? I would try it. If he still insists it’s not a big deal, ask if he’s comfortable with you sending it to your friends and family. If he says no, there’s your opportunity to drive the point home. If he says yes, do it and ask everyone’s opinion on it and share that with him.

sugarghoul −  Op.. listen to me. As someone who grew up with a dad EXACTLY like this, please *please* don’t have children with him. It was so f**king TERRIFYING and traumatizing living with a dad who screamed and broke things whenever he felt like it and acted like anyone who didn’t like it was the problem.

Please don’t make the same mistake my mom did and please leave if he doesn’t want to change. And also speaking as gamer, if a game upsets me, I walk away. I don’t throw temper tantrums like a toddler who can’t regulate their emotions.

Dangeresque2015 −  I used to scare my dog. My ex pointed this out to me, and I learned to control myself. He’d better learn before he considers having children. Being constantly afraid of your dad isn’t fun.

miserylovescomputers −  I’m so glad you don’t have children with this man yet. Please, please, please don’t. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post a link in comments here but if not please google “Gamer Rage & Child Abuse: A Growing Problem Deserving Our Attention.” Do not have children with this man.

GoingPriceForHome −  Has he ever broken anything or hurt you in any way?

Individual-Foxlike −  This is NOT common in gaming spaces. Put your foot down and tell him directly that he’s scaring you, and you don’t want children around him when he’s like that. Make sure you’re not doing *anything* procreative.

Chaikyri −  I grew up with a father who reacted to anger by screaming and yelling. I’m 32 now, and I still have severe mental health issues that crop up when people get angry in my vicinity.

I have panic attacks over the stupidest stuff, because I grew up feeling afraid every time my Dad dropped something. If you decide to have children with this man without resolving this, be aware of the impact it might have on them.

ash-leg2 −  To simplify the issue – he lacks self control. That’s not someone who can be trusted.

AnglerfishMiho −  It’s not normal, at least in my opinion and I’ve been playing video games since I was like 5 or 6. I’ve *never* broken a single thing of mine in anger while playing a video game. Yelling?

Yeah sure, but other than being upset for literally 1 minute it stops as soon as the video game turns off or I leave the game. You’re dating a f**king 10 year old. Edit: oh even worse. Married to a 10 year old.

fuzzydaymoon −  If he wanted to be better, he would be trying to figure out how. He’s not trying because he doesn’t want to change. This is not a safe environment to bring children into.. edited some words