Bf (30s) used to be a c**ep?

A woman (36F) is in a relationship with her boyfriend (39M), who has changed significantly from his past behavior. Despite his growth and kindness towards her, she struggles with the memory of his past reputation as a “creep,” and feels uncomfortable when it comes up.

She wants to focus on the present but isn’t sure how to fully let go of what happened. Read on for her dilemma and thoughts on overcoming this hurdle in her relationship.

‘ Bf (30s) used to be a c**ep?’

My (f) boyfriend (m) and I have been together for just under a year, and we’re 36 and 39. He’s a great person, and things are going really well, I think this is endgame. But I’m struggling to let go of his past. In his early 30s,

he had a reputation for being a bit of a c**ep—pestering women and not knowing when to stop, though nothing harmful or dangerous. Honestly, if I’d known him back then, I wouldn’t have given him a chance, his behaviour was pretty embarrassing by how it sounds.

Since then, he’s had a wake-up call and changed a lot from what I can tell. He’s socially awkward and likely on the ASD spectrum. He’s only ever treated me with kindness and respect. My issue isn’t with who he is now, but when his past comes up, I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.

I’m also worried about friends finding out and judging him. I want to move past it and focus on the person they are today without letting it overshadow my relationship but I dont know how.

I don’t like thinking badly of my boyfriend, but it’s not even him I’m thinking badly of but some past version! I also know that I could tell him things about my past that would put him off me. I don’t think I’m better than him.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

popzelda −  This is a success story: he overcame behaviors that are common on the spectrum. Proud of him, that must have been difficult.

Large-Ad6917 −  That’s a green flag. Someone must have given him feedback or he had good self reflection and made changes. Be proud of him, think of him as the u**y duckling and you found him as a swan

tenebrasocculta −  I have a friend with a similar past. He’s late-diagnosed ASD, and as a kid he just intuitively didn’t grasp concepts like personal space, or that you shouldn’t call the girl you’re crushing on seven times in one day just to talk. He never did anything criminal or assaultive, just weirded people out and made bad impressions.

He eventually became aware enough of his own deficits that he taught himself to read body language from a book, and today he’s cool.
As long as you’re confident you’re getting the whole story and your boyfriend isn’t withholding some worse offenses,

you can chalk this one up to a social disability and take heart in the fact that he’s self-aware enough to know now why those behaviors weren’t okay. When you know better you do better, you know?

Acrobatic-Activity94 −  *Question*: How did you find out about his reputation back in his early 30s? Have you spoken to him about any of this? I’d be curious if he realized, whether by accident or being told, that he was making others uncomfortable and went introspective on how to improve his behavior.

For someone who was a “c**ep” just a few years ago and to leave that in the past, however that may be, seems to be that he truly cares about what you two have and in some manner, decided to change.

I think that’s harder to do and course correct your behavior than either not having issues to begin with (especially with ASD spectrum) or just continuing on the war path. If he had done harmful or dangerous things,

that’s another story, but you specifically mention it appeared to be more of missing social cues, and I say leave that behind and focus on how he treats you. Sometimes people can evolve into a better version of themselves, and it typically isn’t the easiest of the two options.

cocoagiant −  Since then, he’s had a wake-up call and changed a lot from what I can tell. I’d really be interested in what prompted the change, mostly to make sure it’s not temporary.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of guys out there who learn to put on a good face until they have their partner in a position where it is difficult to walk away, at which point the mask comes off.

PhoenixDogsWifey −  I have several of these friends cause I’m also awkward and I worked a lot of tradie and retail jobs and so a lot of my friends have historically been “those lads” … I’m 39 so I have spent years trimming now and I have a bit of a rubric…

I’ll just share it, take what resonates leave what doesn’t or just ignore it entirely, it’s your life and your business and I dont know your whole story and that’s absolutely fine. Has/does he have support/therapist/counselor.. some kind of qualified help as accessible to help him polish the edges as he moves to this new set of behaviours?

Does your bf own and apologize for the behaviour when it’s brought up, this does not have to be formal, one of my friends has “yeah, I wasn’t the kind of person I want to be now and I’m sorry about that, I want to be better from now on” or some variant on repeat.

I didn’t understand it at first and privately asked him about it and what he said reframed my perspective. He said “I never know if I’m in a room with someone I’ve hurt, so I want to apologize always, I also want to open a door in case anyone, like you are now, wants to pull me aside and talk about things more, because I was not a good guy.

I know I didn’t mean too but that doesn’t mean I didn’t make anyone uncomfortable, hurt their feelings, or make them feel unsafe. For that I will always be sorry and if I can offer a personal apology, or hear someone out or if they want, hear me explain my place, not to justify,

but just as a way to say yeah I screwed up, I’m sorry, and heres what I thought I was doing at the time, in case that may help them. I dont know, I just dont wanna be a d**k bud” … and that, really altered how I was evaluating my friends broadly.

Great treatment and kindness is wonderful, the change, green flag, do _you_ have qualified people to sit with so that you can test this “get over myself” feeling? I want to give the benefit of the doubt to bf because I love a redemption arc, it is beautiful.

So to confirm it, I would advise you examine (with help if/as needed) if that concern is coming from an instinctual place where something still smells funny? Are there past occurances that are making you suspicious/uncomfortable and is that more where it’s coming from than a present worry?

Are there subtle places where the behaviour seems disingenuous, put on, or only specific to you? Are you overly concerned with the perception of others? Are you concerned because he isn’t doing enough to declare his current state and own past behaviour and you have concerns about how this reflects on you as a byline?

Being the kind of .. the pedastal person worthy of wholly separate and personality whiplash treatment isn’t necessary healthy if he’s still just… being him everywhere else. Is he making good healthy social connection, maintaining relationships of various types,

and displaying broad spectrum good decorum and manners outside of you as he moves in the world? Are there any current complaints? Is he nice to retail and service workers just doing their jobs? Does he self regulate temper in frustrating or upsetting situations?

No one is going to score perfect and there is a potential to nitpick into what I’m saying and find faults, but there’s often also just as much likelihood to excuse and extend the benefit of the doubt, that’s why I love 3rd party unbiased and hopefully professional assistance in evaluating.

Cause I’m just an internet stranger completely removed from the situation. These are things that have helped me a lot in .. all this “being a grown up” chaos. I hope it helps you too, good luck <3

heydeservinglistener −  His friends aren’t going to stop being friends with him for who he used to be when he made an active effort to change. He didn’t do anything illegal or actually damaging to anyone. I definitely continue to grow and change.

I would be devastated if someone held who I was pre-years of therapy against who I am now. I had an alcohol problem in my late teens and early 20s… theres a lot of s**t i did im not proud of. And it is hard enough to live without shame as is. I don’t need anyone in my life acting like I should be ashamed of who I am.

For a long time, I was just surviving. And I believe most people are doing the best they can and have good intentions. It is so much easier to blame others and continue to be toxic than overcome issues.

I’d be proud of your boyfriend for growing up so much – sounds like he overcame some big hurdles and id be curious about why he was even like that in the first place. Almost all negative behvaiour is rooted in trauma. I’d try to approach it with curiosity to understand him and his journey more.

If you can’t accept him… I think youre going to have a hard time dating anyone if you need them to have kind of been perfect their whole life. I’d try doing some analysis on yourself about why this in particular is so hard for you when it was before you even knew him and you know he’s changed.

Ikuwayo −  I’m still not sure what you mean by him being a c**ep. Can you be more specific?

david_the_destroyer −  Definitely agree this is a green flag and if there was nothing else wrong besides him innocently missing social cues and not knowing any better, you shouldn’t hold this against him. He deserves to be judged on who is now. What was the wake up call and what did he do to actively make changes, anyway?

atticdoor −  Sounds to me like he worked on himself and became a better person, and that is to be encouraged. It’s worth remembering that things were a little different a few decades ago, and various bits of media encouraged people to “woo” and “pursue” people they had a romantic interest in.

*Milk Tray* chocolate had adverts in which a man dressed in black would break into the house of his intended woman, and leave a box of the chocolate and a calling card. This was seen as romantic, not stalking. You might also be interested to look up the disastrous 1994 Fiat advertising campaign in Spain.

Old TV and films also often show men continue to pursue women long after a man today would be expected to move on.   As an autistic man, he probably took all that sort of thing literally, and did what he was shown.

Is it possible to move past a partner’s history and truly embrace their present self, or does the past always linger? How do you deal with this type of emotional struggle in a relationship? Share your thoughts below.