AITA for telling my friend she enjoys wallowing in her own sadness?

‘ AITA for telling my friend she enjoys wallowing in her own sadness?’

I (25F) have a friend (26F) who is constantly complaining to me about her depression. When this first started I would try to provide feedback because most of her problems had very obvious and simple solutions. Fast forward to 2022, my brother passed away and I myself began my own battle with mental illness. During this time, my friend still continued to vent to me about her depression. Her venting started to really get under my skin because it seemed insensitive given the passing of my brother.

I began to set boundaries and tell this friend that if she is not going to do anything to help herself, then I’m going to need her to bring the venting to a stop as I am still grieving. She then proceeded to tell me that I am being insensitive and am not the only person going through things.

I then explained to her, from my pov, it seems as if she enjoys wallowing in her own sadness as she has never actively tried to solve her problems. I also mentioned that I am actively grieving my brother and it is too much to deal with my own pain and have to listen to hers nearly every day.

She told me that she is also dealing with the loss of my brother and I need to realize that the world does not revolve around me. I feel that im NTA because it isn’t my responsibility to be her personal therapist.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Some-Replacement-Bit −  NTA. She doesn’t think the world revolves around you, but she sure as hell thinks the world revolves around her. I think the term for her is “emotional vampire”. She’s sucking all your energy from you and thriving in the attention venting her misery gets her. The only way to get her to stop is to cut off the supply. Meaning, I think you need to set a bigger boundary and keep her at a distance for a while and decide if this friendship is worth it. 

4th_chakra −  I (25F) have a friend (26F) who is constantly complaining to me about her depression. I then explained to her, from my pov, it seems as if she enjoys wallowing in her own sadness.

I understand. I’ve been friends with a similar person for 20+ years. While they may indeed have depression, they take it to the next level. It becomes attention seeking. And as someone who fights depression, I find the behavior quite insulting. You can never talk about what’s going on with you, because then you steal their limelight for a moment. They re-direct that light right back to them, and continue on as if you didn’t say a thing.

My brother passed away and I myself began my own battle with mental illness. She told me that she is also dealing with the loss of my brother and I need to realize that the world does not revolve around me. You need to focus on you, without the added struggle of “competing” with your friend over who is suffering more.

I also find it particularly heinous that she would bring up grieving for your brother, as if she is laying claim to that as well, to diminish your emotions and bring it back to her. Like on top of everything she’s already going through, there is your brother’s d**th. It invalidates you.. NTA.

saltpancake −  that she is also dealing with the loss of my brother. That’s all you need right there. Unless she was married to him or something, this is just flagrantly disrespectful and extremely self-centered. In Judaism there is a concept of circles of grief, where the immediate family form the innermost circle and concentric rings continue outward depending on proximity to the loss. You *always* support in and d**p out — just because you are grieving does not mean you can burden those who have sustained an even greater loss.

Tbh after something like that, my friendship would be over. In college a friend made a similar comment to me about how her need for my support as she contemplated a potential breakup was as important as the fact my father was currently on his deathbed. It was the last conversation we ever had. NTA and I am so very sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.

First-Industry4762 −  She told me that she is also dealing with the loss of my brother and I need to realize that the world does not revolve around me. Who but an absolute jack*ss says this to a direct family member? I’d tell her to enjoy her wallowing alone. Nta.

writinwater −  NTA, but I do think you need to recognize that when people are venting about their problems, they often don’t want solutions. This is especially true if you’re offering “very obvious and simple” solutions without, y’know, considering that if the solution is that simple and obvious then the other person has probably already tried it.

Your friend is being awful toward you, which is the only reason my verdict is NTA and not ESH; but it sounds like you’ve been insensitive and condescending toward her for a long time now. God knows there are people who like to wallow in their misery, but you could have taken care of this by just telling her that you can’t be her sounding board right now, and then ending the conversation whenever the wallowing starts.

Sometimes there really, truly are problems that don’t have a quick fix, no matter how obvious and simple they look from the outside. Your grief is one. Her depression might be another. Either be kinder to each other or cut each other loose.

cheeky-kiki −  From what you said, NTA. If you’ve been there and listened to her in the past. You’ve tried to help her in ways you can but you cannot make someone want to help themselves. If she is that depressed she should be in therapy, if she is great! If not, she needs to seek professional help and she has to engage in therapy.

As a friend it’s important to be there they need you. Your brothers passing is definitely something she should support you in and not make it about herself. Yes, everyone needs time to grieve when they lose someone they know but I wouldn’t image comparing my grief to someone who just lost their brother. I’m sorry you’re going through that. I hope you can still be friends and she can get the help she needs.

rstwt −  You need to grey rock this person or ghost them. Their negativity will bring you down. Protect yourself.

LongjumpingEmu6094 −  NTA. Jesus Christ. She really tried to put her own grief ahead of the actual families? I’m sorry but she’s too self absorbed. She’s a dead end and she is not your friend. The absolute audacity to say something that vile really shows how self centered she is.

manic_crochet −  NTA. I have seen and been this person. At the end of the day, if you have resources and aren’t using them (so I’m assuming your friend does) then that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to constantly use the people around you as a depression vomit bucket.

PreviousPin597 −  ESH. “Her problems had very obvious and simple solutions”? So do yours. You’re sad because your brother died. Are *you* “wallowing”? . You both lack empathy.