AlTA for calling my brother out for excluding me from wedding stuff even though l’m a groomsmen?

A Reddit user shared their frustration with being excluded from several key aspects of their younger brother’s upcoming wedding despite being a groomsman. From a missed tux fitting to not being included in the bachelor party planning and being left off the guest list for their partner, the user feels hurt by the treatment.

They confronted their brother about the exclusion, only to be told they were overreacting, and now they’re questioning if they’re causing unnecessary drama. To read the full story and see how others are reacting, check out the post below…

‘ AlTA for calling my brother out for excluding me from wedding stuff even though l’m a groomsmen?’

My (32M) younger brother (28M) is getting married in a couple weeks, and I was super hyped when he asked me to be one of his groomsmen. We have always been pretty close and until recently I would have considered him one of my best friends.

As kids we did just about everything together and as adults I pay for basketball season passes for us. But lately, things have felts off and I think I’m being excluded from wedding-related stuff. First, there was the tux fitting. My brother sent a date to the group chat and I said I’d be there.

I purposely called out of work that day to do so. Then I show up and no one’s there. I call my brother and he says, “Oh, we actually did it last week because more of the guys were available then. I figured it wasn’t a big deal for you to just go on your own.” Uh, okay.

It’s not like l live an hour away or anything (I do).
Then it turns out the best man had made a separate group chat for bachelor party planning without me. I only found out about it because my cousin (26m), another groomsmen, accidentally mentioned it to me. Turns out they had the entire party without me ever knowing about it.

When I asked my brother about it, he said it was a small “spur-of-the-moment” thing and that he “didn’t think l’d be interested” since l’m older than most of his friends. What does that even mean? I’m 32, not 70. The guest list was my final straw.

Listed specifically for plus ones were every groomsmen and bridesmaid who has a partner, including my sister for her boyfriend of two months. Everyone except me. My partner (30M) and I have been together for almost five years, and obviously, I assumed he’d be coming to the wedding with me.

When I brought it up to my brother, he said, “Oh, sorry, we had to make some cuts for budget reasons.” But… we’re talking about one person. And it’s not like my partner is a stranger. It’s also not at all a small wedding. Over 200 people have RSVP’d so I’m really not getting what’s the issue with one more.

l asked my partner for his opinion and he doesn’t think this is about budget at all. My family has always been “polite but distant” about me being gay. Not outright rude, but there’s this constant unspoken tension whenever I bring my partner to anything.

I really don’t want to believe this is h**ophobic thing because my brother has never directly shown any kind of bias towards me about it, but my partner confided that my brother has been really weird towards him. Leaving rooms that my partner was in and flat-out ignoring attempts to talk.

I had no idea about this or I would’ve confronted my brother about it before. I texted my brother after that and straight up asked him if he was excluding me and my partner on purpose and he immediately got defensive and said | was “reading too much into it” and making a scene over nothing.

My SIL then texted me privately to say I was being selfish and demanding they invite someone and should “support their day instead of causing drama.”. So AITA for causing drama?

Check out how the community responded:

Mother_Search3350 −  You do realize that your brother is a closet homophobe along with his bros and possibly his future wife right? She even had the audacity to tell you that asking why your partner isn’t invited to your own brother’s wedding is you ‘creating drama’ when she most likely deliberately excluded him from ‘her day’.

He hasn’t accepted that you are gay, doesn’t want his friends and in laws around his gay older brother and his partner, is hoping to just do the bare minimum to maintain public optics so people don’t ask awkward questions about why his brother is not part of the wedding.

He made you a groomsman for optics and not because he actually wants to involve you in his wedding.  If that penny hasn’t dropped for you yet, you are in some serious denial 

JanetInSpain −  Of COURSE it’s h**ophobic. You were purposely excluded from all the “guy” things and your partner was purposely excluded from the whole wedding. Here’s what you do: You resign from being a groomsman. You support your partner. He comes first.

To go and be a part of this wedding while your partner sits home alone would 100% be the wrong thing to do. I don’t care if your family thinks it “causes drama”. I don’t care if it’s last minute. “But family” is a stupid reason to tolerate b**lying or abuse. You’ve been in denial for way too long. It’s time for you to accept the truth and walk away.. updateme!

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  NTA – Your partner is right. Either your brother is h**ophobic, or his fiancé, or her family, or all of the above, and your partner is being excluded because of it. You absolutely should NOT just support their day; they have made it clear that you’re not welcome and if I was in your shoes, I’d opt out.

(His other groomsmen might not have wanted you at the fitting because they don’t understand that a gay man is NOT going to be inappropriately checking them out, and they sound so 90s for that. They probably left you out of the bachelor party because they don’t think you can have fun if female strippers are there.)

Puzzled-Safe4801 −  NTA Drop out of the wedding party. Don’t go to the wedding. Don’t buy basketball season passes again for the both of you.
Your partner is correct regarding your brother’s reasons. ETA—You are NOT causing drama just because others accuse you of that.

Your brother is the one causing drama by excluding you from the tux fitting, the bachelor party, and not giving you a plus one when every other person in the bridal party got one. His choices are the source of the drama.

businessgoos3 −  NTA. going to the events you listed are basically included in the job description of a groomsman, and the exclusion of JUST your partner is suspicious. I call shenanigans (homophobia) on your brother

Majestic_Daikon_1494 −  He didnt want you as a groomsmen and asked out of obligation or becasse someone told him to and he is waiting for you to take the hint. He;s a c**ard

CosmicBabe77x −  Wow, I didn’t realize being a groomsman came with the ‘exclusion from all fun’ package! Is there a secret handshake I missed out on? 🤔

DesperateLobster69 −  NTA FYI he is a huge homophobe, I suspect his future wife & in-laws are as well. This is all about you being gay. I’m sorry your family sucks!

Few_Lemon_4698 −  Yeah they are all bigots. And I mean them all. Everyone on the sneaky group chat that didn’t want a gay fella going on the stag do as well. Your brothers friends didn’t want you at the party or the suit fitting and he backed it. You deserve better.

HMS_Slartibartfast −  NTA. I foresee a sudden illness shortly before your brother’s wedding. Something that would preclude you from attending, such as acute food poisoning.

Explain (by text) that you can’t make it as you’ve been vomiting and you don’t “Want to make a scene” or “cause drama” on his wedding day, so you are being supporting in the way you can. Also mention that “Fortunately, as my partner wasn’t invited, he is able to take care of me”.