AITA for refusing to forgive my a**sive father despite my family’s intervention?

One Reddit user shares a deeply personal and painful story about their abusive father. Despite years of physical abuse throughout their childhood, the user chose to disengage from their father after he developed Alzheimer’s.

The family has been pressuring the user to forgive him, especially since he’s now sick and vulnerable, but they refuse to accept the lack of an apology or accountability from their father.

During a wedding, the family escalated the situation, leading to an emotional confrontation. Now, the user wonders if they’re wrong for standing their ground and refusing to forgive. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for refusing to forgive my a**sive father despite my family’s intervention?’

I’ve had a deeply tumultuous relationship with my father. From as early as I can remember until I was around 21 and finally moved out, he would beat me daily. There was no rhyme or reason – his temper was a constant storm, and I was always the target.

For years, I’ve struggled to come to terms with the impact of his abuse, and despite my family’s insistence, I can’t bring myself to forgive him. In recent years, my father has developed Alzheimer’s. While many might see this as a tragedy or an opportunity for reconciliation, I’ve chosen to disengage entirely.

To me, he’s like a stranger now, and I treat him as such. I don’t acknowledge his presence, even when we’re in the same room. It helps that he has forgotten my name. My family, however, can’t seem to accept this. They constantly pressurise me to forgive him, insisting that I should let bygones be bygones.

I’ve explained to them repeatedly that forgiveness feels impossible when he’s never acknowledged what he did, let alone apologized for it. My words always fall on deaf ears. This all came to a head two weeks ago at my cousin’s wedding. My uncle (on my mother’s side) is someone I deeply respect and admire.

Growing up, he was the father figure I never had, and now that I’m a father myself, I try to emulate him in every way I can. His son was the one getting married. The wedding was a joyous occasion, and it was wonderful to see the extended family together. However, the morning after the wedding, during breakfast, the mood shifted dramatically.

Out of nowhere, my family – including my mom, uncles, aunts, and their spouses – ambushed me. They began pressuring me to forgive my father, using the wedding’s celebratory atmosphere as some sort of leverage. It hurt a lot, because the uncle I had worshipped growing up took their side.

One of my aunts even brought up an incident from the wedding itself: the previous day, I had disciplined my son by hitting him after he did something wrong. They argued that my behavior made me no different from my father. Before I could respond, my son – who is barely nine years old – spoke up.

He said, “Yes, my dad hit me, and it hurt. I cried a lot. But ten minutes later, he called me over, hugged me, and said he was really sorry for embarrassing me in front of everyone. He did it in front of everyone too. He asked if I’d forgive him, and we talked it out. I also said sorry for what I did. Did Grandpa ever do that with Dad?”

The room fell silent. No one could say a word. It was as if my son had dropped a bomb. Someone awkwardly changed the subject, and the family scattered to finish their breakfast. Later, my mom accused me of “training” my son to defend me.

Her words hit a nerve, and I responded, “Did you train Dad to beat me every day while you were conveniently at work from morning till night?” For context, she was a schoolteacher who was out of the house for most of the day. I’ve always resented how she turned a blind eye to my father’s abuse, even when I’d tell her about it.

Since the wedding, there’s been tension in the family. My relatives think I’m being cruel and heartless for refusing to forgive my father, especially now that he’s sick and vulnerable. They say I’m holding onto the past and need to move on. But how can I forgive someone who’s never even acknowledged the harm they caused?

My son’s simple question has only reinforced my stance: forgiveness isn’t just handed out; it’s earned through accountability and change. All my cousins who grew up with me are on my side, including their spouses who have come to know how my father was back in the day.

But their parents, the uncles and aunts, who have known my father as their peer are against me. I am currently going low contact with them, and have blocked my mom since I don’t want the upcoming festive season be ruined by all the negativity. So, AITA for refusing to forgive my father and for standing my ground against my family?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Sebscreen −  NTA. Why are you still in contact with them? Your mother, aunts, and uncles all deserve to burn for allowing, even encouraging your father to beat you. It is already an excessive mercy that you don’t expose them in public. I don’t understand why you’d want them in your life.

Rude_Vermicelli2268 −  I am still stuck at the 9 year old’s supposed words “Yes, my dad hit me, and it hurt. I cried a lot. But ten minutes later, he called me over, hugged me, and said he was really sorry for embarrassing me in front of everyone. He did it in front of everyone too. He asked if I’d forgive him, and we talked it out.

I also said sorry for what I did. Did Grandpa ever do that with Dad?” Thus sayeth a “barely 9 year old” boy. Added bonus is OP who after being the recipient of daily beatings all their life then turns around and beats their own child.. I am going to pass on this one

DramaticImpression85 −  1) Go no contact with anyone who was involved in the intervention and continues to insist you forgive, including your mother.

2) Stop hitting your own son. Hitting is abuse under any circumstances and if you continue to do it you are a h**ocrite and someday in the future your own son will (rightfully) disown you.

SlinkyMalinky20 −  Stop hitting your son. You are perpetuating the abuse cycle. How you feel about your father is less important than how you are failing your son by hitting him.

Jealous-Ad-5146 −  You’re out here, not breaking cycle 🤦🏻‍♀️

mumtaza22 −  No. You’re not the a**hole. They might even be trying to rope you into a role where you spend more of your time and effort caring for him. There’s no telling. What do they get out of you “forgiving” him. Will they feel absolved for not protecting you? Do they think your forgiveness would “heal” you somehow?

It’s insane to cause more tension and harm to a survivor of abuse, and take cheap shots at your parenting/involve your children as a way of manipulating you. I’m sorry that they have decided to do that. I think they quite simply feel guilty. And that’s okay. Maybe some of them should.

Please try to be the best father you can and be the opposite of your father. I don’t know what happened with the “corrective hit” at the Wedding, but it doesn’t sound like 21 years of senseless abuse. And it was bizarre to compare the two. If you are using too much corporal punishment with your own son, now is the time to stop.

You might want to ask your Uncle why he wants to see this reconciliation and what he thinks it would look like or “fix” when your abuser doesn’t remember your name. Either way, you’re not an a**hole. Sometimes the olds are wrong, and have a selective memory, and gaslight about things that happened in the past.

It’s okay to firmly tell them “no”, and possibly ask what they think that would accomplish to “act that out for them” when you don’t honestly feel that way. You would also benefit from Therapy to process all this.❤️🪬

Accomplished-Emu-591 −  He doesn’t know you any more. From what you say, his dementia is so bad he probably doesn’t remember much of anything. And his short term memory would be ephemeral at best.

Your forgiveness wouldn’t help him a bit. It only mollifies the people who didn’t help you when he was abusing you. With that “intervention,” your family is just abusing you more. Tell them all to go p\*\*s up a rope.. NTA. Congratulations on raising such a great son!

Subject_Ad_5678 −  This creative writing exercise is embarrassing tbh

jmlozan −  NTA, but dude why are you hitting your own kid when you know the damage it did to you? What the f**k! Spanking or any kind of physical discipline is ABUSE. Break the cycle man.

CrabbiestAsp −  NTA. You don’t have to forgive because he is sick or he has changed. He tormented you your whole youth. It’s easy for everyone to tell you to forgive him, the abuse wasn’t happening to him.

But on a side note, stop hitting your kid. It doesn’t matter if you come back and apologise later (yes, it’s better than not saying sorry) but by hitting as punishment you’re continuing the cycle of abuse. There are other ways to show your kid consequences instead of assaulting them.

Do you believe the user was right to refuse forgiveness given the lack of acknowledgment from their father, or should they have reconciled despite the past? Is forgiveness always necessary, or does it depend on the actions of the person seeking it? Share your thoughts below!