AITA for telling my friend how she has been hurting me all this time?

A young woman recounts the struggles of navigating a friendship with someone who is defensive, dismissive, and often prioritizes her relationship over their bond.

After feeling unsupported through her own challenges and being hurt by her friend’s actions, she decides to confront her, only to face defensiveness and a lack of apology. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my friend how she has been hurting me all this time ?’

I (18f) am just going to list a bunch of things that I felt wasn’t really fair. For starters, she (26f) is a defensive person. Whenever you give her constructive criticism or tell her what is wrong, she argues with you so I just gave up. My classmate and I have this thing going on.

On multiple occasions, she has hinted that she is not a big fan of him saying things like you deserve better or get someone you can trust. There are other classmates. I felt out of all the guys in my class, he was just the sweetest and because he is not the most attractive guy and he has some mental issues (nothing red flaggish.

Just him aging mentally slower) due to surgery, most people don’t like him. However when I brought this up, she started saying she was looking out for him but yet you judge me and him.

I never once said I felt like her bf was using her at the beginning it sounded like her bf just wanted her for s** because he said that he doesn’t want to focus on a relationship and just college work but still wanted to see her in a s**ual manner and she wanted more.

I just kept my mouth shut and gave her my best advice as how she can approach it, not bashing the guy that she likes. I went through a break up a month ago, even though we were both emotionally finished with it months before it ended and the long distance wasn’t working.

It just felt like she wasn’t really there for me unlike my other friends. Even with physical things she is never really there for me. I invite her to lunch, she says “I’m not sure. I might want to go with my bf”. She hangs out with him all the time. She never really invites me anywhere.

One Sunday after a party, I had to go fix my glasses, it was mainly her bf that offered to stay with. They were then talking about going to a bakery. I found an Indian restaurant that we could have tried but it felt like she just wanted me to leave so she and her bf can go to the bakeries she wanted to go to.

So I spent Sunday lunch alone. No messages from her either. I brought this up and she said I was being selfish when all the time I try to accommodate for stuff she wants to eat…and just this once, I was hoping for getting something I wanted to eat.

My friend supported me during my presentation, meanwhile she wasn’t there (even though I asked her and I was at hers) and most likely having s** with her bf because the next day I found out that he came over to her place.

The next day, cause she couldn’t manage her time properly, she had a mental breakdown because she wanted her group to move the meeting for the presentation so she can finish her assignment. She was texting me how she wanted to die and all her group members were calling me.

I was with her bf in a group project and we were working on it that day. I told him, I was worried and it was my suggestion that we check up on her…not even his. We were with her for 2 hours going back and forth about how she was feeling and we lost that time on the project.

On Thursday, we had to stay at school till 11pm to finish the project and felt really sick and I had a date on Friday. So I felt really annoyed that she didn’t give any of her group members an apology and then she was hating on our idea for the presentation.

Told her how I was feeling a few days before my birthday. She just became defensive and didn’t really apologise so I told her to just forget it and not even a happy birthday from her and finding out she was with her bf again. So yeah…

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

cynicgal −  So is there a reason you are still hanging out with such scum? Can you just cut her off and get a better friend?

StarryPeachPie −  It sounds like this friendship is incredibly one-sided and draining; your friend consistently prioritizes her boyfriend over your needs and feelings. You deserve a friend who reciprocates your support and effort,

and who is capable of accepting constructive feedback without becoming defensive. Consider re-evaluating the value of this friendship and focusing on nurturing healthier relationships.

StopNegative5433 −  You two are at very different points of personal growth and life at 18 and 26. I don’t see a lot you could have in common. Perhaps concentrate on spending time with people closer to your age.

BabeVibes22 −  So, your friend sounds like the queen of ‘It’s not you, it’s me’—but in a really confusing way! Maybe she needs a map to navigate her own feelings because right now, it seems like she’s lost in the bakery aisle of life while you’re just trying to find the Indian restaurant of friendship!

Balownga −  defensive person Translation : she knows she is wrong, refuse to accept it, and knows very well she couldn’t bear to be treated like she treats people. Aggression is a substitute for “I will never do introspection”. For you, she is your friend. For her, you are one of her follower, and everything is about HER.

My cat do not choose what I eat, but I choose what my cat eats. <- Metaphor / Hint inside #relationshiphierarchy. NTA, but most of it is self-inflicted. D**p this delusion of friendship and move on.