AITAH for telling my brother (25) that he needs to have a conversation with his wife?

A Reddit user (29F) has always been very close to her brother (25) and has played an important role in his children’s lives, including frequently babysitting. Recently, tensions have risen with her brother’s wife. The user noticed that she was becoming increasingly distant and upset about her constant presence at their house, including an incident where she didn’t appreciate the user bringing candy for the kids or stopping by with cookies.

When the wife lashed out, the user asked her brother to intervene. Now, the user is questioning whether she was in the wrong for involving him and whether she should have handled the situation directly with the wife.

‘ AITAH for telling my brother (25) that he needs to have a conversation with his wife?’

 My (29) brother and I are really close. We had some trauma from our mum during our childhood and we’ve just grown closer because of it. Our dad lives within 30min of both us but we live only 4 minutes from each other. When I was 21 I found out I couldn’t have kids. It was difficult for me to hear but I managed to get over it. I have a few mental health conditions which means I’m not able to work.

Luckily I’m the one in the family with all the health problems because my brother met his wife when they were 17 and they were married by 21 and now they have two wonderful children, both of which I absolutely adore. When they were born I was the first person to meet them. As we don’t have a mum, I was my brother’s mum- figure growing up so I think he kind of looks at me like a mum/sister.

I don’t have a problem with that at all, it’s the way we always managed. So when they were born he called me and I met them at the hospital and was there for his wife whenever she needed. And the two kids are wonderful. I just absolutely love them so much. And being as I couldn’t have my own kids, it was nice to see what they might’ve looked similar to.

As I lived so close and was pretty much always free, I always babysat. My brother and his wife loved that and I also loved it. I’m always round their house. I’ve noticed that in the last few months I’ve been around there almost all day, every day. I don’t mind that at all but sometimes I worry that I might be overtaking their life a little and I had a chat with both of them and told them that at any point they want me gone to just say and I don’t want to overstay my welcome. They both told me not to be silly and that they wouldn’t care if I camped in their kitchen.

A few weeks have gone by since that chat and in the last week or two she has been a bit off with me. It started with a conversation about a funny moment in our childhood. Me and my brother were laughing so hard and his wife just stood staring at me and then rolled her eyes. I asked if she was okay and she said that she was sick of being part of a conversation that didn’t concern her. That she couldn’t relate to it so it wasn’t fair that we keep doing it. I apologised and said that I just thought it’d be funny for her to hear it but I’d be more mindful in the future.

There was another moment when I came round and brought their kids some chocolate buttons. Since my brothers wife was at work I asked my brother if it was okay for them to have them and he said it was fine. Then his wife came home 10-15min later and went ballistic at me for feeding them sugar and told me that in future I need to call both of them (my brother and his wife) if I wanted to come around, not just him. I apologised and left.

There’s been loads of moments like this but the most recent and aggravating was yesterday. I’ve been christmas shopping at a nearby outlet and I brought some fresh cookies for all 4 of them. I got myself a box and I normally do this when I go there. I stopped at a gas station to call them both. My brother says it’s fine and the kids are excited to see me. I call his wife, no answer. I call again. No answer. I message. She reads it but doesn’t reply.

I decide to just stop by, not go inside, just drop the cookies at the door so not to aggravate anything. These cookies are fresh and warm and I don’t want to bring them home otherwise they won’t taste as fresh. I knock and hand the cookies to my brother and give the kids a quick hug and leave. About an hour later I get a message from his wife saying:

“how f**king dare you come by MY house when I’ve made it very clear you’re not welcome unless I’ve said so. It’s f**king weird how you constantly come round and talk to MY husband. Sitting there giving him the eye whilst you’re talking. He’s married!! And those are my f**king kids that you’re constantly playing with. Mine! This is the last straw and I’d like it if you just stayed away from us now. We don’t want to see you at Christmas.”

I didn’t really know what to do so I just messaged my brother and told him to have a chat with her because there must’ve been a misunderstanding somewhere and I’d like to clear it up because he’s my brother and those are my niece and nephew who I love very much and don’t want to never see again.

Since then I’ve been bombarded with calls and messages from her and her friends saying that I’m going to cause a divorce and I’m wrecking her marriage and I shouldn’t have got my brother involved. Should I have just tried to settle this with her? Should I not have brought my brother into this? Am I the a**hole?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

SignificantOrange139 −  .. the way she just implied you were eye f**king your brother is insane and she deserves to end up divorced for this s**t. NTA.

Gold_Adhesiveness_80 −  Wait. You’re his BLOOD sister? So she’s accusing you of some Flowers In The Attic s**t? Disturbing. NTA. If I was your brother I would want to know if my wife was accusing my sister of having i**est type feelings because who else is she spreading this too? Take away all that and she’s controlling which of his family members are allowed in HIS own house. Either way you chop it slice it she’s out of line.

Sparklingwine23 −  NTA, sharing your concern with your brother is only natural, she should telling you anything she wouldn’t say in front of him. Do not let her gaslight your brother into thinking you’re the one who canceled Christmas or started the rift. Merely sharing the texts or voicemails with his is enough, the ball is in his court as to how he wants to deal with it and what he wants you to do. 

Any-Expression2246 −  Something or someone has gotten in her head to do a 180 like that. I’m guessing she’s complained to her friends and they started giving their opinions and now she’s got a problem. One second you could camp out in the kitchen the next your going to ruin their marriage??

ELMarcum −  NTA at all. However, i would back away for a while. I bet there is way more going on in their marriage than youre aware of. You sound like the s**pegoat to her possibly cheating on your brother. The fact that she accused you of trying to steal “her” family is wild. She’s deflecting a much bigger issue onto you.

elmersfav22 −  She is deflecting. The wife is doing something a bit naughty. And is using you the sibling as the cause of the drama. Her side piece and her might be having drama. So she takes it out on those that she can. Cos you are so nice a d won’t fight back.

Perimentalpause −  NTA. SHe’s acting like one of those people that doesn’t like when their man is friendly with another female. Even a relative. “That’s MY husband and you’re giving him the eye” sounds unhinged jealous, and she sees you as competition. Not family. That’s a level of gross your brother shouldn’t be okay with.

biscuitboi967 −  I think you are quite right that HE needs to talk to HIS wife. YOU need to stay away for a bit. It is clear THEY have a problem in THEIR marriage. You are not privy to it. And you shouldn’t be. You aren’t a part of the marriage. Whether or not they both understand the issue is up for debate. You may be part of the issue or you may just be a symptom/easy target. There is an entire world in which their marriage and the problem with it is NOT about you.

Maybe she’s cheating. Maybe she just feels like second place to you with her husband and her kids. Maybe she feels like you *are* around too much, now that you mentioned it, and the cats out of the bag. Maybe she’s asked *her husband* to talk to you about it and he hasn’t. Maybe she’s depressed.

Maybe he doesn’t help around the house or maybe he’s the fun parent/part of sibling club, and she feels like the mean parent/nag/outsider. Maybe they have money issues that she’s stressed about. Maybe they’re struggling with infertility and you happen to be there after a loss or a hormone swing.

There could be multiple of these things at play. The root of most of them is her husband – him setting boundaries with you, him making her a priority, him helping out more. Or their communication sucking ass. You are either a convenient scape goat or the easiest distraction for him and her.

So remove yourself and force them to deal with each other. Invite your brother to your house and leave her a safe space. Ask if her if you can take the kids to the park and out of her hair while she and your brother talk/have a date/get a good night’s sleep. Tell her you understand and you’ll take her lead.

Why? Because it’s not your marriage or your kids. Him working out his relationship – or exiting without a lot of acrimony – is the best thing for them and him. You can support him through that by a) not being at his place with warm cookies every. single. day. And b) telling him, repeatedly, to talk to his wife, patiently and lovingly, and listen to what she says, ideally in a therapeutic setting.

Cuban_Raven −  NTA. The way my wife and I handle family issues is that we are each in charge of keeping our families in check. Like if she has a problem with one of my siblings then it is my responsibility to bring it up and discuss it. And vice versa. Like my sibling can get upset at me but they can’t stop loving or talking to me if what I say upsets them.

But if it comes from my wife then it may be a harder pill to swallow. She shouldn’t have been the one to come at you like that. She should have communicated with her husband who then should have communicated to you that they needed space.  

angelicak92 −  She’s either having a mental health crisis and is experiencing severe delusions and paranoia or she’s doing something dodgy and deflecting. Regardless of this, stop going over. Tell your brother that he’s going to need to come to yours and bring the kids as his wife is losing the plot at you. Any time she messages you like that, screenshot it and send it to your brother. Nta.

Did the user overstep by continuing to visit her brother’s family and involving him in the conflict, or is she justified in seeking clarification and expressing her concerns? Let us know what you think in the comments!