AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father after what he did to my mom and us growing up?

A Reddit user (29F) was faced with a difficult situation when her estranged father, who abandoned the family years ago and never provided any support, reached out for help after falling on hard times.

Despite being able to care for him, the user struggles with the decision, given the history of neglect and betrayal. She is torn between compassion and the lasting hurt of his past actions.

‘ AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father after what he did to my mom and us growing up?’

I (29F) grew up in a household where my mom was both mom and dad. My father left us when I was 10 after cheating on my mom multiple times and eventually moving in with another woman. He never paid child support or helped financially, leaving my mom to work two jobs to make ends meet.

We struggled a lot—sometimes we didn’t even know if we’d have food on the table. For years, my father made no effort to be part of my or my siblings’ lives. He didn’t call, visit, or even send a card for birthdays or holidays. It was like we didn’t exist to him.

As I got older, I built a life without him and stopped expecting anything. Recently, I got a call from my older brother (33M), who told me that our dad is now broke, sick, and living in poor conditions after his second wife left him. He’s asking one of us to take him in and care for him.

My brother declined because he has a family of his own and can’t take on that responsibility. He suggested I might help since I don’t have kids yet. When I said no, my dad called me directly for the first time in years.

He said I was being ungrateful and heartless, claiming he’s “still my father” and deserves compassion. He also tried to guilt me by saying he regrets his mistakes and just wants a chance to reconnect. I told him he made his choices years ago and can’t expect me to step in now.

He called me selfish and accused me of holding onto the past. Some family members agree with him, saying it’s my duty to help him because “blood is blood.” But I can’t bring myself to forgive someone who left us to suffer when we needed him the most. AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Nordenfeldt −  Agree to take him in as soon as he has paid all his mandated back child support. Including interest.

CrabbiestAsp −  NTA. The ONLY reason he is reaching out to ‘reconnect’ is because he needs something from you. If he was healthy and still with wife #2, he would not be contacting you. If the rest of your family is so set on ‘blood is blood’, they can help.

I wholeheartedly believe that family is what you make it. Relationship dynamics trump sharing DNA. You may not have kids yet, but you have common sense!

A_jemma −  If blood is blood,why are those who are guilting you not stepping in to take care of him?

DelayHefty644 −  NTA – Your dad ghosted you for years and now wants help? Nope. He ditched you when you were 10, never paid child support, and made your mom work two jobs. Now he’s only calling because he needs something.

Your brother’s wrong to push this on you just cause you don’t have kids. Stay strong and keep those boundaries up.

rncikwb −  NTA. Tell those family members that if they really believe that blood is blood then they can take care of him. Because it was his “duty” to take care of you when you were growing up but he didn’t. We’re you not his blood then?

And if they say “he made a mistake, forgive him” tell them “Well maybe I’m making a mistake now. I expect that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me in future”.

AleYeah2006ITA −  NTA. You are not obligated to take in or care for someone who has historically neglected their responsibilities toward you and your family. It is understandable that you feel reluctant to help your father after he abandoned you and contributed to significant hardships in your childhood.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are personal decisions and cannot be demanded on the basis of familial ties alone. Your father’s current situation is unfortunate, but it is the result of choices he made, and you have your own well-being to consider.

It’s important to protect your emotional health, especially from relationships that have been harmful in the past. If some family members feel strongly about his well-being, they are welcome to help him themselves, but it shouldn’t be your responsibility alone, especially under coercion or guilt. Your primary duty is to yourself and your own mental and emotional health.

Mother_Search3350 −  Tell those ‘blood is blood’ AH’s that blood will flow and bones will break if they ever have the audacity to call you about that POS sorry excuse of a human being relative of theirs again and they better lose your number . Your father died when you were 10 years old . NTAH 

CinnamonBlue −  Your father thinks it’s acceptable to abandon family. You’re only following his example.

babyluxe123 −  You’re not the A-hole here. Your father made his choices, and it’s understandable that you can’t just overlook the past because he’s in a tough spot now. You have every right to prioritize your own well-being and not feel obligated to care for someone who abandoned you and your family. Compassion is earned, not demanded.

JanetInSpain −  Nope. NTA. DO NOT TAKE THIS MAN INTO YOUR HOME. “But family” is a stupid reason to allow a b**ly or abuser in your life, and he even stopped being family long ago.

He stopped being your father when he left and turned his back on you. He deserves NOTHING. He FAFO. Let him die alone and in poverty. Tell every family member who agrees with him that THEY can take him in. You are not obligated to forgive.

Do you think the user is justified in refusing to help her father, given the history of neglect and betrayal, or should she set aside the past for the sake of family? How would you navigate this situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts and join the conversation below!