My (30/F) husband (35/M) ruins all occasions and events by sulking.

A woman shares how her husband’s sulking ruins important occasions and events. Despite having a strong marriage overall, she finds his tendency to get angry and withdraw during special moments to be a dealbreaker.

She describes her frustration with how he reacts, leaving her unable to salvage the situation, and her fear of repeating the pattern she experienced growing up. Read her story below.

‘ My (30/F) husband (35/M) ruins all occasions and events by sulking.’

I really love my husband, he does a lot for me and is an all around great guy. Sure we have a few issues but we are mostly working around them and that’s alright. But one almost dealbreaker kind of issue that we have is that, when he gets upset, he gets really upset.

And that can be before important events or date nights and that ruins the event. That’s not to say that I don’t fight with him before events too. It’ll be me being annoyed, pointing out something, then him saying sorry or refuting my allegation and then I’ll just consciously decide to either resolve it or shelve it till later and continue having fun at the event.

But he stews in it like a wet towel if he gets angry and then just sulks through the event and that ruins my mood and the event. Example: Yesterday I had tickets for a comedy show which we were supposed to go to.

He was at the venue on time and I was stuck in traffic in pouring rain and reached half an hour late (I had met up with a friend for drinks prior, and I did try my hardest to schedule enough buffer time). I told him to pls wait comfortably in the car as I was getting late and I gave him a screenshot of the ticket so he could go in before I came also.

He told me they were not accepting screenshots but wanted to see them on my phone. By the time I reached, he was extremely angry. I apologised profusely and showed the ppl the same screenshot (and they accepted it?) and we went in.

He was sulking the whole show, did not laugh or smile, I tried so hard to hold his hand and try to cheer him up, to no avail and then we cancelled the dinner date we were going to go on and came back home. He said he was getting bit by mosquitos (could’ve sat in car) and he was not let in (but we were let in with that same mode).

This makes me feel like he allowed himself to get extremely angry on purpose. Contrast this with, we had a huge fight once before going on a hike and I cried a lot the night before but the next morning I decided to have a good time and then sort it out once we got home. And we did!

In our three years of dating, almost every trip, every Christmas, every birthday, every activity I had planned has gone this way. Because when he gets angry at something small, he will not accept your apology, not let you salvage the situation, and will just sit there silently and sulk.

There was one time I made a throwaway comment which was not even rude, which he misunderstood during a trip and then the rest of the trip was him sitting there silently, me apologising and being irritated at the same time. We have a great marriage otherwise.

But I have panic attacks about having to give up all the fun things in life because my companion is like this. I sometimes wish he wasn’t there so I can have fun. I am so scared that the rest of my life will be like this.

Before we went on a recent vacation to Thailand, which we planned for months, I told him, if you sulk and fight on this trip, I will never travel with you again. I don’t know if that worked or what, but we didn’t fight. This is especially weird for me because my mom was this way.

Every event was ruined because she got upset over something tiny and wanted to punish us with her mood. It got to a point where my dad stopped inviting her (or even telling her) about the things he was planning to do. I am scared that that’s where my relationship is also headed. How do I fix this? What should I do in this situation?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

fiendishthingysaurus −  Oh man… look at your post history. He’s not a great guy and this is not a great marriage I’m sorry

Cjocelynn126 −  My father is this same way. He even pulled it during my wedding and I went two years total no contact because of it. It’s narcissistic behaviors- making big events and situations about THEMSELVES.

Now the entire situation is wrapped up in trying to make them feel better or coddling to their feelings. I’m genuinely unsure why you think this is a minor behavior, it doesn’t sound like You have kids but if you eventually do – this is the s**t that dampens their lives.

Which is what it sounds like your mom did to you all. Edit to add – my father has been like this for 30 years and no amount of no contact, divorce, etc. changed him. I wish I had more advice for you.

fiendishthingysaurus −  How can you have a great marriage when he’s ruining every event by being a sulky angry child?

AlveolarFricatives −  Does he ever do this when it’s an event he’s planned, or an event that centers on his interests? Because if not, this really seems deliberate. My ex was similar.

One day I thought “if this was all just him trying to make me feel bad rather than being a manifestation of his anger/anxiety/big feelings, what would he be doing differently?” And the answer was nothing.

Dependent_Pen_6715 −  “We have a great marriage, except for the *minor* detail of him being an ABSOLUTE nightmare”. There’s no fixing this. It’s manipulation, he is doing this to punish you for perceived slights.

Remove the “almost” part, this is a huge f**king dealbreaker. You’ve sadly normalized this behavior because your mom did it. Normal can feel comfortable and fine, even when it really isn’t. You’re worried about this being your future? You should be; because if you stay with him, it will be.

fiery_valkyrie −  Is he like this with others, or just you? Like, does he sulk at work if something goes wrong or someone disagrees with him? Because it sounds like m**ipulative behaviour to me. Edit: your post history helps clarify things. Your husband is an a**hole.

ToastemPopUp −  My ex was like this. The number of times an event would be ruined or we couldn’t go back somewhere because he had some minor inconvenience that he decided to pout about and be in a bad mood over were endless.

Like one time his sunglasses fell out of his shirt when he bent over to pick something up at a Whole Foods and not only was he in a bad mood the rest of the day, but he refused to go back there, it was wild.

But I felt the same way as you, walking on eggshells and huge anxiety before we went anywhere because I wanted it to go well so we could have a good time together. I don’t really have any advice on how to fix it.

I guess maybe just try calling his bluff and stop letting his little temper tantrums ruin your good time wherever you are, or maybe just stop inviting him to stuff?

Personally the weight I feel not having to deal with someone like that is so incredibly freeing.. I can’t even describe it. Not being in that situation anymore, I’d rather be alone a thousand times over than be with someone like that again.

elefantesta −  I am not going to diagnose your husband as narcisistic, uncaring, manipulator, etc. But I will hear you, and ask you to talk to your best friend as if it was you. What would you tell her if she came to you and told you that: * I really love my husband, he does a lot for me and is an all around great guy.

* he gets upset, he gets really upset. * before important events that ruins the event. * date nights that ruins the event. * But he stews in it like a wet towel if he gets angry and then just sulks through the event and that ruins my mood and the event..

Example: 1. He was at the venue on time and I was stuck in traffic in pouring rain and reached half an hour late. 2. he had the ticket so he could go in. 3. By the time I reached, he was extremely angry. 4. I apologised profusely and showed the ppl the same screenshot (and they accepted it?) and we went in..

5. He was sulking the whole show,. 6. did not laugh or smile, 7. I tried so hard to hold his hand and try to cheer him up, to no avail and
8. then we cancelled the dinner date we were going to go on and came back home. 9. He said he was getting bit by mosquitos (could’ve sat in car)

10. and he was not let in (but we were let in with that same mode). 11. This makes me feel like he allowed himself to get extremely angry on purpose. *(seems like it, he wanted to punish you)*. * we had a huge fight once before going on a hike and I cried a lot the night before

* In our three years of dating, almost every trip, every Christmas, every birthday, every activity I had planned has gone this way. * Because when he gets angry at something small, he will not accept your apology, not let you salvage the situation, and will just sit there silently and sulk.

* There was one time I made a throwaway comment which was not even rude, which he misunderstood during a trip and then the rest of the trip was him sitting there silently, me apologising and being irritated at the same time.. * I have panic attacks. * I sometimes wish he wasn’t there so I can have fun.

* **^(I am so scared that the rest of my life will be like this.)** So love, please, take care of yourself. Your life with this person will be like this forever. This is it, this is the highlight.

If this is what you want, go for it, but it will not change. You know this, please try to see your best friend telling you this and what you would advice her. Be safe, look for happiness and love.

thedarkestbeer −  Most abusers are nice a lot of the time. No one would stay with them if they weren’t. I looked at your post history, and this man is, repeatedly, jaw-droppingly mean to you. I saw that elsewhere on the thread you asked for a story of how a healthy couple resolves conflict.

I feel like I can speak to this, since my husband has ADHD and regularly runs late, and I haaaaaate being late. I also tend toward stewing. Left to my own devices, I will sulk for probably a silly amount of time.

I’m invested in us having a good time together, though, so at this point I either just process my feelings on my own (while waiting for him to be ready to leave) or talk with him about my frustration in the car for a couple minutes, accept his apology, and change the subject to something happier.

There are times when I need to say, “I’m ticked off at you and I need us to listen to a podcast or something or I’m just going to stew in it.” Point is, I’m making an active effort to not punish him for how I feel.

I noticed that he’s like this when you’re at home, too. How much of your wild and precious life are you going to spend trying to soothe a man who refuses to learn any emotional regulation and doesn’t even seem to want to feel better?

Inevitable-Bet-4834 −  I read ur post history. You keep changing your ages which is understandable for anonymity’s sake. What’s your actual age gap. And when did you start dating.

Managing emotional reactions in relationships can be challenging, especially when one partner withdraws during conflicts. Do you think his behavior is something that can be addressed through communication, or do you think it’s a deeper issue tied to past experiences? How would you handle a situation like this? Share your thoughts below!