How do I deal with my (30s F) mother’s (60s F) compulsive Marie Kondoing enough to let her back in my place?
A Reddit user (30sF) shares her struggle with her mother (60sF), who has a compulsive need to declutter and throw things out, even items that belong to others. As a child, the user frequently had to buy back her belongings from Goodwill after her mother would dispose of them.
Now, as an adult getting married and planning to have children, she is reluctant to let her mother stay at her home due to this behavior. Despite their good relationship otherwise, she cannot trust her mom to respect her space and belongings.
The user is torn between her desire for her mother to be involved in her life and the reality of her mother’s compulsive behavior. Read the full story below to explore how she’s navigating her relationship with her mother and the boundaries she’s trying to set.
‘ How do I deal with my (30s F) mother’s (60s F) compulsive Marie Kondoing enough to let her back in my place?’
I’ve obviously known her my entire life. My mom (60sF) has some kind of reverse hoarding disorder where she needs to clear everything out of a space. If it exists, it needs to be in a drawer or behind a cabinet. She’s constantly bringing things to Goodwill, throwing things out, etc.
If random items are visible in an area, she starts to get stressed out (my dad banned her from throwing his tools out so she hasn’t gone in the garage in the last decade). If she’s stressed out from something else,
she only feels better when she gets rid of items- I spent a large portion of my childhood buying my things back from goodwill, and it got to a point where the goodwill didn’t touch anything she brought for at least a week so the family could retrieve it.
My mom, of course, thinks this is completely normal and modern people just own too many things and have too many attachments. My dad has a shopping addiction, so minus his tools, they’re sort of a well matched set. Neither of them have any impetus to change how they are.
I refuse to let my mom into my place as an adult as a result. Things came to a head ten years ago when I had a bunch of telescope lenses sitting on a dresser. Mom sent me a text at work asking me if I was cleaning them,
I said no, I got home to find out they’d bee brought to Goodwill because she “thought they were left out to donate,” since she “assumed they would have had a place otherwise”. I got her a hotel room and told her she couldn’t come back inside unless she sought professional help.
She responded by willingly staying at a hotel every time she comes to visit and never bringing up this incident. I’m older and getting married and we intend on having children sooner than later. My mom suddenly expressed concern that I haven’t allowed her to stay over in a decade.
I reminded her that her throwing things out habit hasn’t changed, and I can’t leave her unattended in my home. She pointed out she doesn’t do this at my brother’s house and I shouldn’t be afraid of letting her in mine,
though I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because my SILs parents are locally very influential and my mom is afraid of their opinions of her. Notably, she doesn’t stay at my brother’s for more than two or three days at a time…
And my brother also owns a very large house with rooms they throw a lot of things into before company comes. I have a two bedroom apartment and maximalist decorating style, and my fiance’s parents live overseas and don’t speak much English.
I would love to come have her stay over, because aside from this we have a good relationship. I would like her to have a normal grandparent relationship with my future children, and I would also like some live-in help after giving birth.
I can’t because I can’t afford to replace everything I don’t put in a drawer. Is there any way to proceed besides leaving the boundary where it is and hoping she changes?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
MorthaP − She’s 60 and doesn’t think she has a problem. She’s not gonna change. I say don’t let her back into your place. Even if she managed not to remove anything, she will be tempted, she might make comments, it will be stressful the whole time.
Trulio_Dragon − She doesn’t respect you, and she doesn’t recognize that she has a pathology. Notice how she didn’t *apologize*? She just said she doesn’t behave this way with your brother (a different relationship in a different space). She hasn’t done the work to earn your trust back.
It’s not on you to repair. I know you would like to have a different relationship with her, and would like to have her help. She knows that too, and is counting on your Grandma Guilt to manipulate you into no longer holding her accountable for her actions.. [Eta: thank you for the awards!]
ShelfLifeInc − My mom suddenly expressed concern that I haven’t allowed her to stay over in a decade. I reminded her that her throwing things out habit hasn’t changed, and I can’t leave her unattended in my home. She pointed out she doesn’t do this at my brother’s house. Did she ever say *sorry*?
“Hey, I’m bothered that you haven’t let me stay over with you in over a decade.” “Well, if you recall, it’s because last time I let you stay over, you donated/stole a bunch of telescope lenses when I was out of the house.” Her response here is VERY important.
“I’m really sorry for doing that, I feel really bad about it” is a very different response to “that was a long time ago” or “well you shouldn’t have left them out” or “but I don’t steal from your brother so clearly there isn’t a problem.” Not stealing from your brother doesn’t change the fact that she stole from *you*.
This isn’t even about the objects themselves (though the cost of tracking them down and/or replacing them, or just having to be without them is certainly a thing), it’s about her lack of respect for you and your boundaries.
It doesn’t matter if she thinks the world has gone mad and people own too many things: it’s **your** house and they’re **your** things and she is a **guest**. She has zero right to make decisions regarding your posessions in your house when you’re not there to stop her.
It’s not like she’s even saying “I’ve made a list/a small pile of objects that I think you should consider donating,” that would be invasive enough. She’s actively collecting the objects, is travelling to the neareset Goodwill (which, if it’s not in her area, she had to do the research to find),
dropping the items off and travelling back without ever once going “but these objects aren’t mine and this isn’t my decision to make.” Unless she can recognise how hurtful her behaviour is, how she has eroded your trust in her over a lifetime of disregarding your boundaries, and how *she* has to do the work to prove she is trustworthy, I wouldn’t let her in my house either.
Bus27 − It could be a compulsion, but if I were you I would feel so disrespected if my mom donated my things. I have had to talk to my mom about things she has done at my house that have upset me, and frankly she keeps doing them any time she’s left alone- so I try not to leave her alone.
She’ll “reorganize” my kitchen cabinets, making it completely impossible for me to find anything I normally use. It took weeks to undo it the last two times she did it, and I was in tears. My mom has a problem respecting my space. Honestly she has a problem with being disrespectful in general.
She gets extremely defensive and employs DARVO any time anyone points out that what she did or said was unkind, unnecessary, hurtful, rude, presumptuous, or straight up mean. If you want to do a trial run with your mom, set down the ground rules before the visit and, most importantly, STICK to them.
If she donates any of your stuff, out she goes. I would be devastated if my mother got rid of any of my memories from my children’s infancy, or any of their stuff, and you might be risking that if you don’t have this handled before having a child.
wordsmythy − One thing I noticed was that you think your mother curbs her habit around her in-laws, and if that’s true, she is capable of resisting that urge. I would talk to your brother about exactly what happens when she stays. Maybe she feels like she can, throw your stuff out because you’re single?
She’s not as comfortable throwing away her daughter-in-law stuff? I don’t know, but it sounds like she is capable of curbing her worst impulses. I’m just curious as I’m someone with more of your style of “maximalist” decorating… does your mother cook?
It seems like neat freaks are exponentially stressed out around cooking & the mess it makes. Or is it just stuff with her? What does she have, just one pan?
It is gonna be difficult when you have kids with toys everywhere…
has she ever considered counseling? Is that something you could require before allowing her to stay at your house? There are specialists in this area.. Good luck!
Cryptid_Chaser − Has she ever paid you back for the items you had to re-buy? It sounds like she hasn’t experienced any painful consequences before to motivate her.
elizabreathe − I just want to say you should watch for OCD symptoms in yourself and your children because it sounds like both your parents have some symptoms. I’d tell your mom that she needs to see a psychiatrist and a therapist before she can stay in your home.
WielderOfAphorisms − She can stay in hotels forever. There’s no way I’d let her into my home. She has a compulsive disorder.
TeaMistress − You don’t. She doesn’t think she has a problem and she’s not going to change. That she doesn’t do this to your brother and has no problem doing it to you means this is something she can choose to control if she wants to.
And you need it driven home that she just doesn’t respect you enough to want to. And the disrespect of that alone should honestly make you want to keep her at arm’s length. And you need to ask yourself how much of her behavior you want your future kids to model.
Kids pick up on all sorts of things you really hope they won’t, far sooner than you’d think. Can you trust her not to try and pass down her habits and casual disrespect of you to them? I personally wouldn’t. I understand that you want to have a “normal” relationship with your mom, and a “normal” grandparent for your kids.
That’s not going to happen. The healthiest thing you can do is accept that and meet your mother where she is, not where you wish she were but will never be. The sooner you can do that, the sooner you can figure out the kind of relationship you *can* have with her.
Do you think the Reddit user should hold firm in her boundaries with her mother, or is there a way to compromise without allowing her mom to disrupt her living space? How would you handle a situation where a loved one’s habits negatively affect your ability to live comfortably in your own home? Share your thoughts in the comments below!