I am at the love of my life’s wedding?

A Reddit user (26F) shares her emotional turmoil at her best friend’s wedding. She developed deep feelings for him over the years, despite him being in a long-distance relationship with his now-wife. Although they’ve never crossed boundaries, she has always seen him as the perfect partner and has struggled to move on.

Seeing him marry someone else has left her feeling conflicted and heartbroken. She wonders if anyone has experienced a similar situation and how to move forward without losing herself or her best friend. Read the full story below for more on her journey and the emotional challenges she’s facing.

‘ I am at the love of my life’s wedding?’

A couple years ago I met my best friend, a straight man, 27 (i am a straight woman, 26). He was dating a girl at the time but they were long distance. We became instant friends and became best friends pretty quickly.

We talked every day and hung out multiple times a week, often just the two of us and sometimes at his apartment. Nothing ever crossed the line, we’ve never kissed and are not usually overly touchy. But a few months after we met, I started to develop very strong feelings for him.

I never told him, though our friends could pick up on it and would tell him to be less flirty and less close with me. He never did. Everything between us was always plausible to be denied. He got engaged and I am now at their wedding weekend.

He is everything I’ve always imagined my future husband to be. I am attracted to him, and he is my favorite person to spend time with, and all the practical stuff too, well except the wife, of course. So I am not as far gone in my “getting over him” journey as I thought I would be by now.

I’ve tried, TRUST ME, to date and distract myself from him and find my real person for the past two years but I have had zero luck. And every person I dated just made me realize more and more how great he is. His fiance is wonderful, and I have no reason to believe she’s not the girl for him.

I just cannot picture myself happy at this juncture with anyone that isn’t him and it just feels like this is it for me. I’m only 26, so I understand that that sounds silly. But I’ve never been in a relationship and this deep loving friendship simulation of one is the closest I have ever felt to one.

I kept telling myself they would break up before this wedding happens, mostly because of the pressure of long distance (which i always felt bad about) but they’ve made it. And when I see them together a part of me is very happy for them.

But the other part thinks of how I’m truly losing him now and losing the one person I really felt loved me. He has been my number one support for some really tough stuff in the last couple years. We’ve shared so much joy and so much sorrow.

He will always check in on me regardless of how busy and insane his life his and he will always cheer me up with a joke. I know my love for him can just be friendship but it feels too large for that, and telling him about my feelings never felt worth losing one of the best friendships I’ve ever had.

With so few people knowing about this, this weekend has felt incredibly lonely. I wonder if anyone has felt this before (I’m sure someone has) and came through the other side. I worry I will do whoever I date next a disservice with how I see this man as the perfect guy for me.

I’m scared no one will ever compare. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I don’t want to lose myself in my friendship with him. What do I do? I don’t do well with tough love, so please be gentle!

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

ahdrielle −  I dont want to lose his friendship, how do I survive the heart? By creating distance. You can’t get over someone who’s constantly around. It’ll s**k, but life does sometimes. You can’t find the *actual* right one if you’re still pining over the wrong one.

imtchogirl −  That sounds very difficult. Be easy with yourself this weekend and stay mostly sober. You don’t want to also get loose enough to cause a scene. You already are thinking how unfair this situation is for who you date next.

I gently challenge you to work on that, probably in therapy, before you transfer these emotions to a partner.  It would be very worth spending the time talking through why your “perfect” didn’t include a physical element,

he was involved with someone else the whole time, a big amount of denial/magical thinking from you, and also that he didn’t choose you.  Your One will choose you. From the beginning they will be choosing you and only you.

So figuring out why your heart led you to a place where you weren’t being chosen, and facing the full reality of that and the heartbreak there, that will change you and you will be able to leave this prison. And not go back. Good luck. You choosing you starts today. 

Whiteroses7252012 −  A friend of mine has a theory that people develop crushes on folks that are partnered- who otherwise don’t want them- because they want the romance without the work.

You’re able to convince yourself that this guy is everything you ever wanted because you’ve never had to listen to him fart in bed, pick up his dirty socks, deal with his mother, chew with his mouth open, get pissed off when someone cuts him off in traffic- the good AND the bad that makes up a life.

You can make this guy be the perfect man in your head because that’s the only place it will or can ever go. Whatever you feel for him, he doesn’t reciprocate it. And that’s actually a good thing.

Ran_dom_1 −  OP, is he really that great? Think about it. Friends saw that you were falling for him, spoke to him about it. Asked him to back off a bit, stop sending you mixed messages. The obvious conclusion was that you would end up hurt.

Did he? No. Even after hearing others’ concerns, he continued talking to you nonstop, seeing you multiple times weekly. Because his need for companionship was greater than his concern that he might cause you pain. He had his free time filled up, you were the safe placeholder for his fiancée.

He wasn’t even fair to his fiancée. I doubt she knew how much time you spent together, how flirty he was towards you. Try to remove yourself from the situation, & take a hard look at the reality. He may have some great qualities, you had fun together, but he’s not the guy you deserve.

You deserve better than this. Really explore this, OP. Be honest with yourself. Maybe you got close to him because he was taken, maybe on some level you took it as a challenge to win him over. Understanding will help you move forward. Take good care of yourself.

Dread_Pirate_Jack −  They aren’t the love of your life if they don’t love you back. It’s time to focus on trying to love in a two way relationship, where both people involved are in it 100%. Only then will you realize true love and commitment

Environmental-Age502 −  I mean, he’s certainly *not* the love of your life, considering he’s not even in love with you. So, you need to get that fatalism out of your mind now. He may be the person you’ve romantically cared most about, but he’s not it for you, he’s not your person. Seriously.

This isn’t romantic, this isn’t cute, this isn’t beautiful, this is actually stunting your life and progress, and has been for years now. I’m sorry it hurts, but it’s time to walk away from this guy. You can’t be best friends with him if you’re in love with him, and you will never be able to find the *actual* love of your life, if you’re still close to him.. It’s time to move on.

Trepenwitz −  You’re not the one. You are not the one for him. Obviously. This one is not available. Period. You haven’t internalized that yet. There’s still that “maybe…” right?. Wrong. I recommend ending this “friendship.” You don’t want to be friends with this man, so it’s time to walk away.

You are not in a place to have a healthy relationship with him of any kind. You need to walk away. Your life’s not over. There’s A LOT more left. Get busy living.

pigs_have_flown −  I’ve been in a position like this. You have to remove yourself. It is the only way to find peace. You cannot be in this person’s life as anything more than an acquaintance. Creating the distance may be one of the most difficult things you ever do but it is the only way.

skshad −  You are good for his ego. Stop being at his beck and call. Seek out friendships and experiences apart from him.

ThrowRA890166890 −  girl i’m sorry but he’s married so like respect that and move on

Have you ever experienced unrequited love for someone who was also your best friend? How did you navigate moving on while maintaining that important friendship? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below, and let’s support one another through similar experiences.