My Boyfriend Wants an LDR After 3.5 Months—Should I Stay or Go?

A Reddit user shares the emotional dilemma of choosing between staying in their current life, which they love, or following their boyfriend to his home state for the sake of their relationship.

After 3.5 months of living in her state, he has decided to leave, and she is torn between her happiness and the love she has for him. Read the story below to explore her thoughts and difficult decision.

‘ My Boyfriend Wants an LDR After 3.5 Months—Should I Stay or Go?’

My (24f) boyfriend (24m) has decided after 3.5 months after moving to my state that he is leaving at the end of the year with or without me. I hate it there – Do I stay or go? Sorry for my awful grammar – lots of emotions. I lived in his state for 3 years and didn’t like it. He proposes an LDR but realistically I don’t want to do that again.

TL;DR; Amazing boyfriend lives in a cold expensive state where I am from a hot, cheap state. I hate it there but he has a great family whereas mine has always been awful to me. My friends and father tell me to choose him after 4 incredible years but I become so depressed when I think about living there again.

He is leaving in a year and has decided after 3.5 months here where I struggled to decide for 3 years. He has always kept his promises and promises me a house here as an AIRbnb to bring in money, and one where he is from, as well as my entire summers here in my state since my job will allow it.

We will be okay financially for both decisions in a few years. If I decide to stay, he wants to do an LDR if I choose to do my certification and my year of work to get my license here before he wants me to move back.  Do I go with him and deal with it for the sake of my good relationship or stay here, be happy, and lose it all?

I feel like he will never be okay with separating. My boyfriend met 4 years ago online and I moved to the NE area of the USA from the deep south to be with after a year. The relationship has been pretty great. We think alike, we have the same values, and he lets me lead.

We fear that we will not find someone similar to us because we both have very specific and rare ways of thinking. The reason we moved to his place is because he was finishing college and is now working in a WFH situation tied to his state while living in mine here that expires in the summer.

He is here to help me finish my degree while I work as a waitress a couple days a week so he pays for almost everything. We live in a nice ranch home. I love it here. He hates it. I mentioned that I helped him finish school for years, while he can’t even stand to be here for some months.

He says it’s different- he never planned to be here (We planned to come here for two years which is about 1.5 years more than I got of planning to live in his state). We also moved to his state because his family is boring but albeit, fantastic.

However, his family is overall very trustworthy and I would never ask him to separate himself from them the way I separated myself from mine. My family has never been great and distance was a great thing for us. I wish that I had more to offer him here. I think that he has a lot to offer me and I should be grateful, but I hate it so bad.

My boyfriend came and took me away, and truthfully, my financial life got so much better as a result. Life in general got easier in a lot of ways, but I became painfully aware of how different I was from everyone culturally as I was raised in a Latin American background and they are borderline Amish.

The issue is that it’s too cold there where he is from. The food is bad, the cost of living is worse, its so crowded and I would be missing out on my friends and few good family members lives and their children growing up just like I was before.

I would frequently cry from being homesick and cold even after living there for three years and I was in a bad spot mentally for around a year. I never had anxiety attacks, nightmares, etc, but I was almost 30 hours away from everything I ever knew. My state is very hot, has a distinct culture,

is known for their food, affordable living, not many opportunities, lower job wages, and relative isolation. I helped him for three years to finish his degree and I guess Im annoyed because I fought and fought mentally to decide whether or not to stay there or go home without him in the long run for three years and never came up with an answer,

but after 3.5 months here he knows he wants to be done ASAP and says he is leaving in the summer. It feels like I love him more. He’s chasing a job and I feel like I’m chasing him. The issue is that if i move to his state I have to start all the certifications and tests over again because of the state transfer. He doesn’t care.

He says hes okay with it… but what about ME? I’m the one who has to do it. That would also mean I would likely have to wait another year or so to even start my career. My issue is that If i don’t do the certification here, I will never get the certification in my state in the case that we break up, which would mean that yes,

I would have to do the certifications all over again in my state. I have to have a state specific license to apply. My fear is not being able to leave if I need to. He doesn’t care about that at all, and says he will help me in the case that something happens. I will not count on that, and it seems like he’s trying to block me from doing that.

He told me yesterday to apply for his state’s certificate and asked why I was applying for my state’s certificate.  I helped him get his even when he failed a class that kicked him out of the masters program for his grade being under a 3.0 and took him down to a bachelors.

He said offhandedly that ‘if we go back we have to rent at the apartments again, there is no way we can afford a house.’ I would rather scoop out my eyes than go back to that cold and musty apartment after I have tasted the quiet ranch home in isolation with the acre and horses and longhorns in the backyard I always wanted.

I tried to say that I wanted to keep this house rented for us to come back to, but he says we can’t afford it… because he never lets me travel since we don’t have any money (we do) and says I would only be able to come home once a year. What is even in it for me at this rate??? That would be the shame of my life.

Before you create an idea of him in your head, he spoils me and is very good to me. He has changed as a man in four years and is my best friend. It is hard to imagine doing life with anyone else. I cant picture my life without him in it. I have tried to think about breaking up but I can’t do it.

But my mental health has gotten so much better since I came back home and had the house i always dreamed about, but now i just got here, I would fight to finish my degree and my professional certification in time and have to give it up? What?

I never had a relationship be so easy, and we were each other’s first time, which is incredibly important and special to us and our relationship. We have an open phone policy, no opposite s** friends policy, and a lot of other things that would be grinding nails on chalkboard to have to beg from someone else.

We essentially grew up together and I dont want to imagine it any other way. He showed me the average salary of my starting position in a town about 30 mins away from his home town that are starting with $69,0000. Here, it is about $61,000.

His salary there is starting around $71000 whereas here, it would be at around $65000. He proposes that we will buy a home here where it is cheaper and airbnb it. My job would allow me to have summers off, so he wants us to all spend the summers here where it is hot because I love hot weather,

but he is finicky about money spending and travel. He says we can, but then we never do and he always says because we don’t have money, but we really do. We have multiple thousands of dollars at any given time and live cheaply.

I think that it is not feasible to pay for two homes, student loans, daycare, plane tickets, car insurance, gas, groceries, lights for two homes, etc, etc. He says I have to give up the ranch house if I go since we can’t afford it.

I have never gotten hot and cold from him. He has always kept his promises and is incredibly resilient, so I believe him. He has always done what he says he will do in all 4 years together. He is calm, I have a lot of leftover childhood trauma. We are like puzzle pieces.

We have had very little drama and my father has told me that I need to choose him and not worry about what’s here at home because he is offering me a better life that he wishes he had the opportunity to give himself instead of being with my mother so young.

My father who is so proud of our place and identity says a good partner is invaluable. I told only my best friend. But she told me she prayed that I would stay. My other friend said I would be stupid to give him up and would regret it forever.

My sister in law says that he looks at me like she has never seen a man look at a woman before when I don’t see it. He has never yelled at me, hit me, cursed at me, nothing. His friend told me that I was lucky to have found him before someone else did.

He says he worries he will never find another woman like me in his lifetime and doesn’t want to give me up, but his family is getting older. I get it. I’m not mad at him. So is mine, Been there. He hates talking about it and asks me to reconsider and asks what he can do to make the experience better for me.

He says I have been a good woman to him. I think maybe I don’t deserve him and me being miserable in his home state isn’t something he deserves to have to deal with forever. Am I selfish to want it all? We just skirt around the topic, but it is the background noise of my life.

All of these things are why It was so hard to make a decision before, so I feel so incredibly sad that he seems to have made up his mind already that he is done whether or not I am once I graduate. Feels like he doesn’t care about me. All he talks about is his job.

He won’t even wait for me to get my certificate or take tests that are state specific. I have told him that he is free to go before if he wants to be done with our relationship, but he refuses saying he doesn’t want it to be over,

and even if he did want it to be over, he would still wait for me to finish my school. I’m dreading finishing because I don’t know what comes next. I don’t want him to suffer like I did… Do I stay or go?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Individual-Foxlike −   The issue is that if i move to his state I have to start all the certifications and tests over again because of the state transfer. He doesn’t care. He says hes okay with it… but what about ME? I’m the one who has to do it. That would also mean I would likely have to wait another year or so to even start my career.

This would be the dealbreaker for me. You not only hate his state and love yours, he’s outright asking you to delay your career for his sake. Again. You went to his state. You do not like it.

He went to your state. He does not like it. In this case, you have two options. Either you find a *new* state for both of you that’s tolerable to both sides, or you accept that you simply aren’t compatible. It sucks, it hurts, but if there’s no way for you both to be fully happy then breaking up is the correct answer.

frockofseagulls −  The biggest problem here is that he’s just decided what the plan is. He didn’t sit down and say “hey, I’ve realized I don’t really like it here. I know you don’t really like it there. Where can we go that we’d both be happier?” He just said f**k it, I’m out.
That’s not a partner. It’s time to move on.

WritPositWrit −  What I’m hearing from you: you love him, but you hate living in Pennsylvania (just guessing) more than you hate being away from him. You clearly want to stay in Texas (again, just guessing – why did you give so many clues to location but not just come out and name it???). Stay. I give you permission to stay.

I know you don’t want to break up, but a perpetual LDR can’t work, and he has tried living in Texas and hates it. So your choices are:. * stay in Texas and break up. * find a compromise location for both of you.

There’s more to the USA than just Pennsylvania and Texas. Have you two considered someplace in between? Virginia? Maryland? Tennessee? North Carolina?

NocturnalHabits −  I can’t really make sense of what you wrote at the start of your text. Where’s “here”, where’s “there”? As far as I understand, you hate the place where your BF will move too (where his family is), and the work you put into getting your certifications will be lost, if you move now,

because you haven’t got them yet, and they’ll be worthless at the destination state if you follow him later. At the very least get your certifications first, so that you have the option to go back if your relationship turns sour or you really can’t acclimate.

It also sounds as if your BF isn’t as invested in your relationship as you are. He apparently has no problem prioritizing his carreer over you and your wellbeing. My advice ist not to base your life decisions on a relationship, especially not at your age.

You say he has changed – he can change again (and not neccesarily for the better). The same is true for you. I don’t think the differences in pay are worth sacrifing your wellbeing.

freakfriendfiction −  Didn’t finish reading but yeah this is what they call a dealbreaker. Break up. Youre still young youll find another guy

shurker_lurker −  Basically you’re saying that everything was great while you were doing what he wanted to do? Now it’s going to s**t because he needs to get back to that original lifestyle?

swankyobserver −  You say he always keeps his promises but you are worried about him not keeping a promise for lack of money. Also why is it his decision as to whether you can afford something? The relationship isn’t worth it if you’ll be miserable. Plenty of fish in the sea.

purpleroller −  You’re very young OP. Plenty of time to meet someone who will try a little bit harder to be with you. You did 3 years in his state working long hours and he won’t even do one year? Is it because he works from home and hasn’t made any connections in your state? Sounds like he hasn’t tried.

Stay in your state and finish your education. If he leaves he leaves. If LDR works out and you’re still together when you’ve qualified, then great. You’ll have to make the decision then. But if it doesn’t work out, then you haven’t uprooted your life all over again.

AubergineForestGreen −  Like you said if you break up you will have to start again with your education. Don’t bet your life on someone who isn’t your husband. You sacrificed your peace by staying with him for 3 years to finish his degree. And he can’t even last quarter of a year for you at your home state.. He’s selfish

Don’t let fear of being single control your decisions. If he believes he’ll never find a woman like you again, he’ll be patient and support you like you did for him. Don’t ever let love and promises make you compromise your financial security. Get your degree in your home state!
If he breaks up with you, he wasn’t really serious

drainedbrain17 −  3.5 months. I have food in my fridge that has been there longer than that. 3.5 months is an investment worth loosing. Sorry.

Do you think the Reddit user’s struggle is a common dilemma when balancing love and personal happiness? Would you be able to make the tough decision to leave a place you love for a relationship, or is it important to prioritize your own well-being? Share your thoughts in the comments below!