IM SMOTHERING MY BOYFRIEND!!! Advice?

A 21-year-old woman (21F) is realizing she has been smothering her boyfriend (22M) due to her disorganized attachment disorder, stemming from a tough childhood. Although they’ve been together for a year, she has been overly affectionate and clingy, expecting him to reciprocate more emotionally and physically than he naturally does.

She feels guilty for crossing his boundaries, as he never complains but she senses it’s too much. She’s emotionally intelligent and in therapy, and plans to apologize to him. She’s seeking advice on how to stop smothering him and better manage her expectations. read the original story below…

‘ IM SMOTHERING MY BOYFRIEND!!! Advice?’

Hey guys, I’m 21F and my boyfriend is 22M . I have recently come to the realization that I am indeed smothering the hell out of my boyfriend.I love him so much, **we’ll be together for a year this January.

He is a more of a reserved man, he has friends but his demeanor is very chill which I love that about him, and I am pretty outgoing and loud. He finds me funny and vice versa, but I realized that I have not been cool as of late!!!

I come from a pretty rough emotionally and sometimes physically a**sive childhood and have managed to maintain a pretty happy go lucky demeanor except for this past fall which I fell into deep panic attacks and depression I’m not going to dive into that, but my boyfriend stuck by my side and listened to me and helped me through so much of it.

My therapist told me I have disorganized attachment disorder because of my childhood and it makes a lot of sense to who I am. He came from a loving family, with parents who still love each other which is actually rare, and they’re just as great as him.

However, I realize l’ve been recently absolutely suffocating him for probably the past two weeks!! We love each other and I come home from the city (where I go to college) every weekend just to see him, so when I’m home for the weekends we basically spend all that time together.

We still see our friends but not as much as we previously did a year ago when we weren’t official.  More recently since l’ve gotten out of my funk, I realize that I have been getting more irritated, like why hasn’t he gone to kiss me yet, why didn’t he compliment me, why didn’t he this why didn’t he that.

So I started becoming OVERLY AFFECTIONATE because I was kinda like well if he won’t.  I WILL. GUYS. I feel bad, l’m a psych major and have been in therapy since the ripe age of 7 so I consider myself pretty emotionally intelligent and understanding.

How do I stop being so hard on my sweet guy, and expecting so much of him when it’s simply not part of his personality, but MINE. AND stop kissing him 800,000 times in a row when he doesn’t wanna do that!!!

It’s too much I feel bad I’m crossing his boundaries, he never complains or says no and will always hug or kiss me back, but I just know I’m overstepping. The good thing is we always try to healthily communicate everything that stays on our minds, so I’m going to bring this up to him and APOLOGIZE next time I see him in person. So maybe some advice for before then?.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

lv9o18rk −  It’s great that you’re recognizing this and want to make things better. Just communicate openly with him about how you’re feeling, and give him some space when needed.

Bor0MIR03 −  How does he react to this? Because you haven’t explicitly told us that he doesn’t like this. (“If” this is indeed overwhelming for him, you can find an activity where you can be more chill but still spend time with him, watch movies, play poker, bowling, go out… might help where half of your focus is on te actual activity but you’re still doing it together)

Due-Shoulder5097 −  I would say…. Get a PC or a console and play Online games with me. I am a hopelessly addicted video game nerd and have no friends.
He’ll appreciate the time you give him to hisself and I’ll appreciate my new late night Shoot’em Up, Frog Splash Forza Race buddy.

Icy-Manufacturer-719 −  I understand where you’re coming from. I’m 24F and my bf is 25M. I feel the same way but I came to a realization that this is just the person I am. Part of the time I feel like I’m smothering too which sucks. I ask him if I’m being too c**ngy or if he gets annoyed by it and he says no.

I mean he’s kind of the same way but we still both love differently. I try to keep my space sometimes even though I for the most part want to be all over him, I need to think about it as a long term thing as well.

I don’t want to get completely use to doing that because I know that it will start affecting me emotionally and will start asking myself those questions because it irritates me too.

My past relationship was like this where I was constantly irritated and I never recieved the same affection and it was talked about but nothing changed because he wasn’t that kind of person. So having a new partner who is less reserved made everything better for me.

The main reason why I do it is because I see him every other weekend and he makes me so happy. If that’s something you want from him also then you should communicate that to him.

It’s great that you’re aware of the issue and want to address it. What strategies have worked for you in balancing your emotional needs with respecting your partner’s space? Share your thoughts below!