AITA for telling my mom’s boyfriend his kids will never be family?

A Redditor shared a situation where their mom’s boyfriend has been excluding them and their older sibling from family activities, including trips and holidays, while favoring his own kids. After being expected to buy gifts for his kids without receiving any in return, the Redditor lashed out, telling the boyfriend his kids would never be family. The confrontation left their mom upset and crying, and the Redditor is now questioning if they went too far. Read the full story below for more details.

‘ AITA for telling my mom’s boyfriend his kids will never be family?’

Roughly more than a year ago my mother introduced me to her boyfriend. Since then me and my 3 siblings have been introduced to his three kids and our families have been ‘merged’. Though we still live in separate homes, his family is over our house all the time, but it’s very obvious he is purposely leaving me and my other older sibling out of the ‘family plans’.

Last year during thanksgiving, I was informed 3 days before that ALL of his kids (including his adult child) and my 2 younger siblings along with my mother were going to meet our grandparents 6 states over. Me and my older sibling were whiplashed as we didn’t have enough time to pull together funds or time off to join them, we brought this up to our mom and she simply said she guesses we can join them next time and she thought we knew.

That left me and my sibling alone for a week during thanksgiving, in which we each just ended up going to a family members house who we don’t see often. We were both very hurt by this incident, and brought to each others attention how many ‘family trips’ they have had (whether it’s a weekend thing or not) without inviting us or telling us until the day of.

We’ve kept our mouths shut until now, but since Christmas is coming around, we were getting nervous they were going to do the same thing, thankfully they didn’t but we were told to be sure to get his kids gifts as they are now ‘our siblings’. Having to get gifts for 3 people who we aren’t even close to really sucked, but my sibling and I begrudgingly did so.

I don’t remember how it got brought up today, but I found out his kids weren’t getting ANY of my siblings gifts, not even the adult despite them all having jobs. This really pissed me off and I ended up lashing out on both of them, specifically my mother’s boyfriend. I told him that I don’t care about him or his kids, but if he wants to play family he’s not playing the ‘father’ act well at all.

He retorted with he doesn’t need to share his life with adult kids and to him we’re just our moms past. I’ll admit I got n**ty after this, telling him his kids are baggage enough and my mother doesn’t need anymore kids, and I’ll never look at his spoiled rotten brats as family. This seemed to really hurt my mom and she started crying, her boyfriend screamed at me to leave so I did, I’m staying at a friends right now but I’m wondering if I went to far.

I don’t give a f**k if I was the a**hole to the boyfriend, I already know that part. But was I an a**hole to my mom in this way too? I just don’t want her to forget that she has 2 kids who still see her as their mother and she can’t just forget they exist because her boyfriend won’t acknowledge us.

Edit: I am 20 and the “older sibling” is 17, I only said older because they are older than my two younger siblings who are under the ages of 10. I pay half the rent and half the household expenses in the house with my mother and without me we wouldn’t be housed (I think everyone knows how expensive it is to live on your own right now, let alone with 3 kids excluding myself). I will be going back home and understand he can’t kick me out of a place my names on the lease on, but I am trying to cool myself down. Did this update to clear some things up for people.

Update: I came home pretty early this morning to have a talk with her mom when her boyfriend left. I took a lot of your advice and told her how leaving me and my sibling out is not blending the family in any manner, and how I feel like my own home is being invaded despite my contributing significantly. According to my mom her boyfriend didn’t end up spending the night due to them having their own fight.

My mother made it very clear that she was pretty ignorant to everything we felt, whether it was on purpose or not, but she started crying last night not only from what I said, but everything her boyfriend had said as well.

A big part of their talk after I left was discussing me and my sibling, she didn’t tell me everything they said but they will be taking time away from each other for a little while as my mom agreed that at some point he can’t just leave me and my siblings out, but she also feels I was rejecting him and his kids early on along with my siblings and it’s why she didn’t ‘invite’ us to a lot of things because she didn’t want to put us in uncomfortable situations.

This led to me bringing up the fact that I pay half the rent and I would prefer from now on they go over his house in the future, and how I need to see respect from him and his kids and not treat me like a ghost in a house I contribute towards. She understood and said that she herself won’t be seeing him for a while. This then ended with her sobbing again that at some point I will be getting married and the kids need a father.

Our dad died roughly 6 years ago due to terminal illness, at this point my parents were already separated but since then my mom has really only had flings, nothing serious. And the older I get the more she fears I’ll leave her in the dust and she will have no one to help her with my siblings or the future. (I know a lot of people said this but I thought maybe you guys were just assuming but I guess she was feeling like she needed to secure herself).

Similarly, his kids mom has been dead a little less than 4 years for a similar reason though I don’t know all the details. My mother said multiple times that she can’t expect me to live with her forever and take care of her at the drop of the dime, and how she has been wanting a full time companion for a long time for stability but also for companionship. By this point she had to leave for work and we decided to put a pin in the conversation.

I don’t think I’ll be updating much further than this. I thank everyone for the advice and the consideration they gave to my post. I still feel like an AH but I do feel a little less s**tty setting the boundaries I did considering over half of you said I should have done it sooner. Thank you, I appreciate it.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Firm-Assistant7773 −  NTA, but your mum needs a reality check. Me and my sibling were whiplashed as we didn’t have enough time to pull together funds or time off to join them, we brought this up to our mom and she simply said she guesses we can join them next time and she thought we knew. That left us alone for a week during thanksgiving. Your mum is being pretty cold heartless here.

My sibling and I begrudgingly did so. We don’t remember how it got brought up today, but I found out his kids weren’t getting ANY of my siblings gifts, not even the adult despite them all having jobs. If you’re a grown man who’s married to someone with children from another relationship why are they expecting her to spend money on your kids? Are there no other options than for her or him?

This really pissed me off and I ended up lashing out on both of them, specifically my mother’s boyfriend. I told him that I don’t care about him or his kids, but if he wants to play family he’s not playing the ‘father’ act well at all.
You were absolutely right in your assessment here, you have every right to be angry and upset. Your mum has abandoned her children for this man who doesn’t even acknowledge them as such?

Sassypants2306 −  NTA. Invite mum out for coffee. JUST MUM. Have a discussion, I gather you are over 18ish or close to…. Tell her. “Mum I love you but me and X have noticed that we have been left out of X many family plans for a while now and each time me and my sibling are hurt. I need to say it. We are your children too. That doesn’t change with how old we are.

Ypur boyfriend saying that we are nothing but your past, hurt us more than words can say. It was not just said in anger, he said it as fact. But he has the dou le standard of demanding that I and sibling buy his kids gifts but not the other way around.. This is not a blended family mum.. This is not a positive family.. So can you please:

1. Make sure we are invited to things in advance so we can at least plan if we can come.
2. Never leave us out of thanksgiving again.
3. Tell ypur boyfriend if we do gifts, everyone does gifts. Noone gets left out.

For now since we have been told we are not receiving any gifts I’ll be returning the ones I was forced into buying as it was both unfair and unjust. Please think about this deeply. I want you to be happy mum, but not at the cost of anyone else’s happiness. We deserve to be treated as family if your BF wants us to be “family”.. NTA. Hugs.

No_Philosopher_1870 −  NTA. The boyfriend seems to be looking at you as more of childcare and extra food for his kids than someone with whom he wants to have an actual, relatively equal, relationship.

People who exclude you are fools to think that you will include them. I wouldn’t give gifts to his children. A sad observation that I have long made about my family is that the PRESENTS that I brought mattered a lot more to them than my PRESENCE, so I stopped going years ago. If the toll to attend is bringing his children gifts, you can do without that gathering. It sounds like Boyfriend did a hostile takeover of your family rather than a merger. It’s sad that your mother chose her boyfriend over you,. Get out when you can.

Natural_Garbage7674 −  NTA. Your mom’s boyfriend called you your mom’s past. He is intentionally leaving you out and leaving you behind. But your mom is letting him. You need to have a serious conversation with your mother. You may be adults, but you are still her children. If she doesn’t want to be your family anymore, if her “future” is her boyfriend, his kids and your younger siblings, then she needs to face the harm she’s causing. If she wants to pick her boyfriend and his kids then *make her admit* that she’s doing it. Make her face her own behaviour.

She doesn’t get to abandon you, turn on the waterworks, and pretend she’s the victim. She doesn’t get to be a good person. The standard you walk past is the standard you accept. ETA: didn’t realise you were paying rent. Stop immediately. If your mom’s boyfriend gets to decide who lives in “her” home, then your mom can deal with the fallout of her decision to date someone who hates her kids.

Tree_Chemistry_Plz −  I get that you feel excluded and left behind, and that really sucks. I also get that the expectation that you have to get his kids presents but his kids will not be giving gifts to your moms other children is a really s**tty deal. I’m going with NTA, honestly. He called you your “mothers past” as if you are second-class citizens in his eyes, and so you told him his kids were the same in your opinion.

Your mother is probably feeling torn between appeasing her new boyfriend and standing up for her older kids. She’s allowing this guy to scream at you and put you out of her house, so she’s not doing the parental protection you deserve. I hope he’s not a**sive to your mom, or that she’s not desperate for love/affection that she will turn a blind eye to how much of a p**ck her bf is.

Aggressive_Cup8452 −  Your mother is not a victim here.. doesn’t matter how hard she cries about it. Her boyfriend called you “her past” .. yelled at you.. and kind off kicked you out… and she just let it happen. Over a guy she’s been dating for less than 2 years.  She can pretend to not notice him excluding her older kids.. but the above mentioned is too much.. NtA.

wh1telotus_ −  NTA. Boyfriend is showing blatant favoritism, and mom is enabling it. Neither parent is making any effort to ensure that you and your siblings feel included in any capacity, using your age as an excuse. Not an a**hole for pushing back against favoritism and mom’s boyfriend trying to push you & your siblings out of your own family, and your mom isn’t standing up for you like she should.

curiousity60 −  NTA. Your mom and her boyfriend are in a relationship. THEY can decide to include the other’s children in activities, trips, gift giving. They CAN’T dictate that YOU treat the bf’s kids as siblings, or anything other than your mother’s occasional guests.

It’s time for healthy boundaries. You aren’t dating your mom’s bf or his family. You are not your mom’s resource for her to use to “treat” this guy’s kids. Your mom is centering her life on this relationship. She’s both pushing you aside AND trying to create an obligation for you to “date” his kids.

OP, plan your escape. Your mom is trapping you by relying on you to help support a household in which you are devalued, ignored, and have no influence. She will financially cripple and entrap you there. Plan on moving elsewhere rather than renewing or extending the lease. The end date of the lease is a great target for your independence day.

Start saying “no.” “Your bf is not my responsibility.” That extends to his kids. Limit where your money goes. Pay bills directly if you choose. Buy groceries. Do not just give her money. Not for those things, not for anything. If you help with rent, send your contribution directly to the landlord. You are in danger of financial abuse, if not already experiencing it. She will find a million ways to “need” your money so you never have enough to be independent of her.

slendermanismydad −  Stop paying your mom’s rent. She’s an a**hole and how dare she cry. Her boyfriend kicked you out of your own HOUSE that she leeches off you.
I’d drop her stuff off at his house. 

OwlUnique8712 −  NTA- Wait! Did he kick you out of your own house? And if so did your mother actually sit there and let him do it? Because if so your mother, sounds like the one causing the issues in your home not just the useless boyfriend.