AITA for not attending Christmas at my brother’s after he said terrible things about my wife?

A man chose not to attend Christmas at his brother’s house after his brother made harsh accusations about his wife, claiming she had narcissistic personality disorder and was abusive. This stemmed from a difficult period in the man’s marriage when he and his wife briefly considered separation.

Since then, the couple has worked hard to rebuild their relationship, achieving newfound happiness and stability. Despite this, the brother reignited these claims a week before Christmas, citing minor examples and vague concerns.

The man feels uncomfortable bringing his wife into such a hostile environment, even though he wishes to see other family members. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not attending Christmas at my brother’s after he said terrible things about my wife?’

AITA for not wanting to go over to my brother’s for Christmas after he said terrible things about my wife? My wife and I have been married almost 5 years now. We hit a rough patch this summer and considered separating. I had been lying to her about finances and came clean, and initially she wanted out.

During the time that we were considering divorce, my brother (who never seemed to like my wife in the first place) decided to share with me a list of reasons he was convinced my wife has narcissistic personality disorder and I am a victim of abuse.

For context, I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse before. In a previous relationship and with my mother in law. My wife has her struggles (as do I obviously), but she’s not a n**cissist and she’s not a**sive. I was very bothered that my brother would make these claims.

Nobody else in the family feels this way about her. I put them to rest and felt like we ended that conversation with a good understanding. Fast forward 6 months, we’ve gotten marriage counseling, we’re both getting personal counseling and we’ve never been better.

Our relationship is the healthiest it’s ever been and we’re the most in love we’ve ever been. We’ve made a lot of progress and are committed to staying together. For the record, the rest of the family has continually made it clear this is the outcome they want.

The holidays have been hosted at my brother’s house the past few years. He decided a week before Christmas to bring this back up. He told me he’s concerned for me and that my wife is a mean person who doesn’t care about people.

The only examples he could give for this since our previous conversation was 1) that he overheard her complaining about an old boss (she was excitedly sharing with my mother about her new job that she liked much better, didn’t say anything n**ty or mean) and 2) That I’ve changed (didn’t explain how).

I don’t want to come over for Christmas and bring her into a home where the person hosting believes she is a fundamentally bad person. This makes me sad because I do want to be with my parents and grandmother,

but I also don’t feel comfortable being at my brother’s place. I’m not saying I’ll never go to another family gathering, I just think it would be best for me and my wife to skip this one since it’s so fresh.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

CodUnlikely2052 −  Just a warning- if you skip it, he IS going to claim she’s alienating you from your family.  NTA but your brother certainly seems to be. I wonder if he has some sort of ulterior motive for disliking her. 

Proud-Geek1019 −  NTA. I mean – can’t you spend time with your parents and grandmother in ANY other setting at ANY other time??

HowlPen −  NTA There are all sorts of legitimate reasons for saying no to an invite, and this is definitely one of them. You and your wife are enjoying the outcome of the hard work you’ve put into repairing your relationship. You both are working with professional therapists.

If your wife was a n**cissist, hopefully the therapist would catch that- you don’t need your brother to keep asserting his unprofessional opinion.  That said, you have a history of a**sive relationships and your brother may feel extra protective of you.

It may have skewed his initial perception of your wife. You could let him know you appreciate his concern, and that you are working with a therapist. You and your wife are getting a fresh start in your relationship. It’s better than ever, and you hope with time he’ll come around to seeing that. 

tosser9212 −  NTA, skip away. I’d’ve had words with my brother that would have been VERY impolite. Do something fun and memorable with your wife that emphasises how much the two of you have grown in your relationship with each other. And congratulations.

isogaymer −  NTA, your are not under an obligation to spend Christmas with your brother, especially if he is making you uncomfortable with the things he is saying about your wife.

NoTripOfALifetime −  NTA – do not tell your wife. This perpetuates unnecessary drama. Sit your brother down and thank him for being on your side but make it clear that, although you hear him, it is your life and your decision to work things out with your wife.

If he continues to bring it up, then tell him that you need to prioritize your family – aka wife – and will need to limit your interactions with him. I would go to xmas just to prove that you are trying to still have a relationship with your brother and that your wife supports this as she will attend too.

Tassy820 −  NTA. When I got married my mother told me never to tell her about our disagreements because it would color how she sees my spouse. While we would make up she would still only see the person who hurt her child. Your brother is in a similar place.

You and your wife have cleared the air, but your brother has not had that closure, especially since he sees it as you facing the same problem in this marriage as in past relationship. He is more stuck in your past than you are. If it was me in this situation I would set some boundaries with my brother.

Agree to go but only if he will treat your wife with courtesy and respect. At the first negative comment or action call him out in front of the whole family. Yes, things have been rocky, but you are committed to each other and working through your issues because you value each other and your relationship.

Tell him in front of everyone that it feels as though he is trying to undermine everything you are doing to build up your relationship. He will have to defend his position or back off. Ask him in front of everyone if he is supporting or attacking your relationship with your wife.

Then ask him what he will do going forward to support you and your marriage. If he does make a commitment of support thank him and change the subject to something neutral like the football game to end the drama.

Ignore any sideline comments or politely ask them to wait until you are done speaking with your brother. The other family members are not part of the debate, just witnesses to the contract you are working out with your brother so he cannot backtrack so easily later.

More_Patience_5684 −  Judgment withheld. I feel like we’re missing more to this story. What were his claims back in the summer when he first brought this up to you? Were any of them reasonable? Would a third party objectively say that there was a concern for them?

I understand that this is your truth that you are experiencing, but without knowing more about why your brother feels this way it’s hard to say. Have your parents spoken to him about this? Or stepped in and told him he’s out of line?

I’ve seen it personally with someone was blinded to what was going on and turned against their family to only years later really realize what was happening. It seems that there is some communication breakdown somewhere along the lines.

Demented-Alpaca −  NTA If you’re not comfortable with going to a thing you shouldn’t go. Especially if you know your wife isn’t welcome. That said, it’s gonna cause drama and it’ll be ammo in his next a**ault on her. “She made you skip a family gathering. You know Grandma only has so many left!”. Just… head’s up

icecreampenis −  NTA. He wants her gone, and he’s trying to faciliate that happening. On one level I relate – I don’t like my brother’s girlfriend and would be relieved if they broke up. But I’m not an i**ot or an a**hole, so I keep my mouth shut unless I feel he’s in actual danger.

It’s his life and his choice, so I am welcoming and kind even if internally I choose to not trust her. Sounds like you need to prioritize your wife and marriage right now. It also sounds like you made somd mistakes but have done the right thing in owning up to them and are doing the work to rebuild trust. Keep following those instincts.

Is he right to prioritize his wife and skip this gathering, or should he try to mend things for the sake of family unity? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!