Struggling with Guilt About Moving Out While My Mom Is Depressed and Lonely.

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A 25-year-old man is feeling torn as he plans to move out and start a life with his boyfriend. His mom, 58, has been struggling with depression and loneliness ever since her divorce and an abusive marriage, and she often expresses suicidal thoughts when he brings up the idea of moving out. He’s worried about abandoning her but knows that he needs to take this step for his own growth. Read his story below and offer your thoughts on how he can balance his own independence with his mom’s emotional needs.

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‘ Struggling with Guilt About Moving Out While My Mom Is Depressed and Lonely.’

I’m 25M, and I still live at home with my 58-year-old mom. I’m working, saving up, and planning to move out with my boyfriend 23M once he finishes university. My parents divorced when I was young, and my mom remarried an a**sive man who she kicked out two years ago after an intense physical altercation. Since then, she’s been extremely lonely. She doesn’t have any friends, and it’s just been the two of us.

Whenever the topic of me moving out comes up, my mom gets deeply depressed. She often says I’m all she has and even talks about wanting to die or commit suicide. It’s reached a point where if I leave for just a night or two to visit my boyfriend on weekends, when I return, she’s in a deep emotional rut. She’ll say things like “It’s too late for me” or that her life is over. I’ve suggested she try hobbies, meet new people, or even date again, but she’s resistant to all of it.

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I love her so much and don’t want to abandon her, but I also know moving out is a natural step for me. I’m saving up and preparing to become more independent, but I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about leaving her behind.
I don’t know how to help her when she falls into these emotional lows or what to say to make things better.

It’s difficult because I understand she’s been through a lot, but I also know I can’t stay forever. I feel torn—how do I move forward without feeling like I’m abandoning her? I want her to be happy, but I realize I can’t find friends or a boyfriend for her.

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I dunno how I can help her find her way in her own life without feeling like I’m leaving her behind, I also just want to be able grow and live my own life. TL;DR: I’m 25, planning to move out with my boyfriend, but my mom (58) is very lonely and depressed. She often talks about suicide when I bring up moving out, and I feel guilty.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

DisneySubSlut −  We need to get mom a therapist because she’s not going to let you go healthly at this rate.

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Fitz_Yeet −  This is a difficult situation and I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t feel guilty as she is not your responsibility and frankly needs to start doing things for herself if she wants have better quality of life. She signed up to this when she chose to have a child. You need to live your life, and your mother can’t reasonably expect you to be there for her every waking minute just because she is lonely.

mcsmrll −  You are not responsible for other people’s happiness, it’s really difficult if you love her but she needs to understand that it’s time for you to go and that doesn’t means that you love her any less. Also a therapist and maybe trying some new hobby to make some friends but it sounds like she just is deeply rooted in that state and won’t move. I truly doubt she will harm herself just sounds a bit m**ipulative to keep you in the house (my mother acts kinda the same…). Anyways, best of luck.

PrincessRadiator −  I was in this situation. I eventually just moved out and call her on a weekly basis now. You have to put yourself first. 

Agitated_Pilot_3055 −  You are being emotionally blackmailed. The next time your mother threatens suicide, call the police. Let your mother know that you will do that. Do not hesitate. You must break this sick cycle. You are NOT helping you mother by staying.. Get out. NOW. GO TO THERAPY YOURSELF. You absolutely need psychological help to deal with this.. Get help.

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macimom −  Im sorry you are going through this but it’s time to sit down and have a heart to heart with your mom. Start with “I love you and this is actually very hard for both of us”.Then tell her that You understand she will miss you but your moving out is inevitable-you will not ne living with her when you are 30, 35, 40.

Due other history she could benefit greatly from both therapy and getting out and doing things-she can start with volunteering, she also needs a medical check up. Tell her you will help her get all this started but you need her to know that you will be moving out in 6 months. You will be close by and will visit.

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So -I assume she has a gp? Ask her to commit to calling the office eon Monday and making an appointment. If she doesn’t follow through I would tell her ‘mom, if you dont want to get better no one can do it for you. Yourre threatening to commit suicide is a form of emotional b**ckmail and abuse-is that really the relationship you want to have with.me? then just wait-see what she says-done let her deflect-keep telling her is emotional b**ckmail and ask her if thats how she wants your relationship to be-make her answer.

You may have to research but give her a list of therapists or social workers-same thing-she has to make an appointment. Same with volunteering-she can tutor at a local elementary school, snuggle kittens at a animal shelter, visit shut ins, read to hospitalized children. She must have some hobbies-what does she do with her time? Does she just watch tv all day-is there a particular show or genre she is drawn to?

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Mom you have lots of life left for you-so far your life hasn’t been what you wanted but you-and only you can change that-Im here to help but Im not going to be trapped in your life bc you won’t take action. its up to you how you want the rest of your life to be.

Prestigious-Bar5385 −  When I was 54 I was single for 5 years and I filled my time with hobbies. I love to draw and paint. I crochet bike ride and kayak. Also she could volunteer at a hospital church or animal shelter. Anywhere that needs help. She has to get herself out there and explore life.

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I’m 59 now and I’m still working on my hobbies. I also travel and have animals to take care of. Maybe she can get a dog to take care of. It will get her outside and give her something to do and love. My adult children are always laughing because I treat my dog like my baby and I laugh and say well she’s my baby now.

cagfag −  Are you Asian / Indian by any chance? Quite often children leaving parents is frowned upon by those communities and it creates undue pressure on parents to emotionally manipulate children in staying.

decaturbob −  – your Mom can not control your life past a certain point and she has to take some responsibility in getting help for HER problems….staying around is only keeping her ENABLED in doing nothing. You can not constantly live under a threat of emotional b**ckmail and coercive acts and words….

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Natural_Collection45 −  I am so sorry this is happening to you. It’s so unfair. As stated below, start if nothing else, calling the police every time she talks about committing suicide. Don’t need to tell her in advance.. if they come at time or two, she may smarten up. Also know, it’s manipulation, many people threaten this to get what they want. You can’t stay because of this fear.. best of luck, get out soon.

How do you think he can balance his need for independence with his mom’s emotional struggles? How would you handle this difficult situation, and what advice would you give him to navigate this transition? Share your thoughts and insights below!

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