My (24f) boyfriend (25m) wants me to wait for him while he travels.
A Redditor shared her concerns about her boyfriend’s (25M) dream of traveling for 1-3 years while she (24F) dreams of settling down, buying a home, and starting a family before 30. With their visions for the future so different, she’s questioning whether love is enough to sustain the relationship or if it’s time to part ways. Read the full story below.
‘ My (24f) boyfriend (25m) wants me to wait for him while he travels. ‘
My boyfriend and I have been together for 1,5 years. During the relationship we’ve had some issues around his self-centered behaviour as he always prioritises his own needs and feelings, but overall we had a good and loving relationship with a lot of trust.
His behaviour was also due to him being in a very bad mental space as he struggles with a lot of unprocessed trauma, which made him act more selfish. Even tho I didn’t mind this as I support him and only wish for him to heal from his past one day, I think it’s important to mention regarding my current concerns.
Recently we had a talk about our vision of the future. Turns out we have 2 very different ideas. Currently, we are both master students and will be graduating next school year. I’ve been looking forward to starting the next chapter of my life in which I can finally start working in the field I’ve always dreamed of.
Furthermore, I look forward to buying my first home, marrying, and become a mother before the age of 30. Apparently my boyfriend looks forward to the same things but he wishes to avoid settling down a bit more as he wants to be able to do “everything” before he starts a next chapter.
This includes travelling for 1-3 years and getting kids in his mid 30s when he feels ready. I love the idea of travelling for a few months after graduating, but I’m not comfortable with traveling more than a year.
I told him that I find it very important that people make their dreams come true, but that I’m not comfortable changing my dreams for his. His response to this was that him travelling for 1-2 years seems realistic and do-able in a healty relationship.
Is it unreasonable of me to break up with him over this? I love him dearly, but I’ve been breaking my head over this for the past 5 weeks as I love him so much but at the same time I’m scarred for my future. It’s scares me that as he already has the tendency to prioritise his own needs, I’ll have to give up my dreams for his.
I don’t want to have a baby after 30 and I don’t want to be abandoned for 1-2 years while he has his fun and I built a stable home that he can profit from after he had his fun or ran out of money… Does anyone have experience with a traveling boyfriend/husband?
Is it possible to maintain a relationship with such a dynamic/distance? I love him dearly and I truly don’t know what to do as I don’t want to lose him, but I’m also scared of having to give up my own dreams…
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Knittingfairy09113 − Don’t wait for him. You should both move forward with your dreams separately as they aren’t compatible. If he wanted to travel for a couple of months, that would be different to me, but he wants to travel for 1 year *minimum*.
woolencadaver − Don’t wait. You want different things. It will just make you sad.
meeldtar − Your relationship has hit a fork in the road. For you to achieve your goals by 30 you can’t endlessly travel, nor should you sit around waiting while he does his thing. You’ve hit the nail on the head that you’ll be creating all the things that he’ll benefit from with no input from him at all. Do not give up on your dreams for this hobosexual!
A note on motherhood before 30… please really think about your career and finances here. To take any maternity break and afford childcare you need to save hard, and if you need a career break you’ll need to save even harder and potentially be reliant on a partner.
ShelfLifeInc − You both have different goals, different timelines and different priorites. It happens. Especially in heterosexual relationships: often women count *from* (“I want to be a mother before I’m 30, which means I’ll ideally be married by the time I’m 28, which means I need to be engaged by *at least* 27…”)
whilst men will generally count *to* (“I want to spend the next 1-2 years travelling, then I want to spend 1-2 years focused on my career, then I want to prioritise buying a house before I focus on getting married, then once I’m married I’ll want to enjoy a few years before the kids come along…”)
This happens even in the healthiest of relationships. But I think it’s very telling that you’re looking at the ongoing issue in your relationship: we’ve had some issues around his self-centered behaviour. he always prioritises his own needs and feelings. he already has the tendency to prioritise his own needs. I don’t want to be abandoned for 1-2 years while he has his fun
I also find his statement “him travelling for 1-2 years seems realistic and do-able in a healty relationship” pretty s**tty because it’s doable when *both* people agree with the plan. You don’t, and he’s implying that’s “unhealthy” of you.
If he’s going travelling for 1-2 years, I have no doubt he’ll be going to parties, socialising, meeting people, having a great time. What about you? Does he expect you to stay home and knit during that time?
The truth is, the odds of you both still being single after 1-2 years distance is almost zero. Certainly not if his plan is to “do everything”. You are *both* going to meet different people, people who are interesting, exciting, who are more compatible with you as you move through your twenties, people who are actually *there* as opposed to “somewhere on another country waiting for me.”
You can love someone and say “this relationship has reached its natural conclusion. Best wishes for the future.” He’s prioritising his goals over the relationship he has with you. You should do the same. You will both be happier for it.
Oozex − In short, you both want different things in life. Totally reasonable to end things because of it. My dad travelled for work and the family just relocated whenever he needed to. We’d move to a different country every 4 or so years. It can work, but everyone needs to be on board, which doesn’t seem to be the case in your situation.
Smart_Negotiation_31 − Absolutely not. This guy will likely always put himself and needs first. Imagine having kids with him? You will be the default parent and probably not amount to much more than a servant while he does whatever he wants.
The situation is so much worse because he’s not only putting his needs first, but he also wants to *use* you to have a stable, happy home to come back to when he’s ready to get his s**t together? Once again, absolutely. The gall of this man is insane. Cherry on top is that I highly doubt he’d stay faithful for 1-2 years. But that isn’t even the worst problem here.
mlanes − This is a massive incompatibility I fear. LDR are hard and will be made harder by him changing location frequently: time zones, lack of schedule, etc. I find that even him having the idea you would wait around in your regular life for 1 or worse 2 years while he’s out exploring so selfish.
Is that who you want to be the father of your kids? What if he feels that call a few years down the line too, but now you have a child too. You’re young, and there are genuinely so many good people out there that are more compatible.. edit, grammar
UbePhaeri − Info: Do you mean a long distance relationship or he is going to be free to sleep around? If it’s the second option, does he expect you not to? It’s not wrong to break up when you have incapable futures though or for any reason.
RGV4RCV − Your goals are incompatible and you’re totally reasonable to break up over this.
Otherwise-Chemist-30 − This is the end sadly, and it will be too hard to push for something you want. If life reconnects ya sure. But I think you need peace then staying in something that will cause you pain anxiety. People change, nothing is permanent
Should personal dreams take precedence over shared plans in a relationship? Is it realistic to maintain a relationship while one partner travels for years? Share your thoughts and advice below!