My boyfriend’s mom (55F) is saying I am manipulating him (22M) into hating his family

A Redditor shared a troubling situation involving her boyfriend’s family, where after an argument with his sister, Megan, over a minor incident, the Redditor found herself being blamed for creating tension in the family. His mom, Deb, accused her of manipulating her boyfriend into cutting ties with his family, leaving her unsure of how to move forward. Read the original story below to dive deeper into the family drama.

‘ My boyfriend’s mom (55F) is saying I am manipulating him (22M) into hating his family ‘

I posted this in another sub but was told that I might have more luck in an advice sub. This is my attempt to hear some opinions. Hopefully it doesn’t get swallowed into the void. My boyfriend (22M) and I (23F) have been dating since last August (16 months) and have been very happy.

We have good communication, trust, and security, and most importantly we laugh together so much. Everything has been great, but with great things comes compromise. My boyfriend, Vincent, grew up with a twin sister, Megan. He has always been the more outgoing and infectious one, while his sister has sat on the sidelines and has been the calmer of the two.

I think a lot of the problems in their relationship stem from jealousy on Megan’s part. Vincent was on a path to becoming a national athlete, has excelled in everything that he does, is working on a master’s currently, etc. Megan hasn’t accomplished nearly as much and I can see where she might be resentful.

Since the age of 10, Megan has bullied Vincent. One instance that he has shared with me that has never left the depths of my brain is that one time during high school, he thought that he had ruptured an organ. He was in a lot of pain, couldn’t lift his arms above his head, and was physically struggling. He asked his sister if she could please help him by carrying his backpack. She told him no and didn’t help him on their walk home.

This is one of many times over the years when his sister has mistreated him. Their mom, Deb (55F) has never really punished Megan. Instead, when Vincent defends himself, he gets in trouble and is told this is just how his sister is and that she apologized so everyone should just move on.

They are 22 years old now, and Deb still gets involved in their affairs and navigates it like this. Vincent had been in low contact with Megan until they were about 19. She had claimed that she wanted to have a relationship with her brother and was trying to change. It has been going exactly how you think.

I have seen Vincent’s sister blow up at him multiple times since we’ve been dating. I usually try and stay out of it because I do not want to make it any worse than it already is. However, this all came to a head last week. We had gone over to Megan’s house for a small get-together. We were the first ones to arrive and we had brought some of our own snacks and good energy.

She asked us if we wanted to play music and we said sure. I pulled out a bag of chips and she made a snarky remark about whether or not they were from her pantry. Okay, just a misunderstanding. Vincent and I were dancing and having fun. Her friends started arriving and the dynamic shifted.

I had already felt unwelcomed but when her friends arrived, it became painstakingly obvious. Everyone eventually went to the garage to smoke. Vincent and I were not invited, but Vincent is a social butterfly and went to the garage anyway. I came with him because we were there to have fun so let’s try to have some fun!

They were passing around a joint and offered us some. Vincent said, “Oh I’m down I just don’t want the roach.” Well, we were in luck because they had just packed a bong! He takes a drag and the downstem comes out along with the bowl and falls. The downstem chips and it doesn’t seem like a big deal but oh no, let me tell you.

Megan gets in Vinceints face and is yelling at him, calling him “f**king stupid” and repeatedly saying “Well are you going to buy me a new one? Where are you going to get it.” Overall, being so u**y. I am sitting in the further side of the room, steaming. I try to diffuse the situation by saying, “Hey, it’s no big deal they sell these at smoke shops.

You can easily find another one.” She turns to me and without missing a beat says something along the lines of “they don’t always have the right size” or something to that effect but in the most snarky, condescending voice you can ever imagine. I get upset and I tell her, “Megan, don’t f**king talk to me like that.”

She immediately comes after me, what a shock. Instead of arguing about what is happing in the present though, she starts throwing s**t in my face that happened during Thanksgiving, saying I’m negative and I had my nose in a computer the whole day when we were supposed to be around family.

To preface, I was writing my college thesis. I had a lot of deliverables due that Saturday and I was panicking. I was anxious, yes. But it felt really low of her to go there with me.

At this point, I am trying to not lay my hands on her. My adrenaline is skyrocketing and I am trying to calm myself down. The room eventually goes silent. My boyfriend tried to break the tension by making jokes about the situation. They were funny, but I couldn’t bring myself to laugh. Megan again, makes some snarky remark at me to try and get a reaction. At this point, I just left.

Vincent came outside to talk to me and calmed me down after about 15 minutes. He went back inside to collect our stuff and Megan tried to follow him outside. He told her now was not a good time and we left. We ended up going home and watching a movie and had a good rest of our night.

I was supposed to go to Christmas with him and his family, but after this, I decided it was better if I stayed home with my own family. I felt that it would be uncomfortable for me to go and it would not be a good atmosphere for me. Plus, it would require me to take off time from work which I can’t afford to do anyway, and find pet sitters. So honestly, it worked out better for me to not come anyway.

The next morning, his mom called and they discussed what had happened the night before. Well, I was mistaken when I thought she would see our side of things and be sympathetic. No. She takes Megan’s side while saying “I am not defending what she did but you need to forgive her and move on.” Sounds like you’re defending her in my opinion. I also want to note, I still haven’t received any type of apology or outreach from Megan.

Vincent then gives me the phone, I am not interested in talking but I humor it because I have involved myself in such a way that rocked the boat. His mom immediately starts attacking me, telling me that I need to “step in line or you will be outcasted and sidelined.”

What the f**k? I defended myself against mistreatment OVER A DONWSTEM and I am being told that if I didn’t just lay down and take it, I am no longer welcome. His mom continues saying how hard she’s tried to accept me and that she just wants her son to be happy.

She then goes on to do exactly what Megan did and throw Thanksgiving in my face along with other things including me demonstrating vulnerability with them and talking to them about current events in my life that had caused me distress. Well, no more.

Deb is trying to b**ly me into coming to Christmas, saying if I do not come it will cause a rift that will be very hard to overcome. All of the blame for the situation is being placed on me. I am being used as a s**pegoat as to why Vincent doesn’t have a strong relationship with his sister.

As if this has not been going on for years. Deb texted Vincent, saying I am manipulating him into hating his family and that I am very hard to like. She insinuated that all of his friends just deal with me for the sake of Vincent.

I am really hurt by all of this. I am unsure how to navigate this any further. I am worried about it damaging my relationship with Vincent. I want to move past this but it feels like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. How should I move forward and is the relationship with his mom and sister worth saving?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

AnythingDelicious485 −  This will never get better so you need to decide if you can live like this…Moms who hate you literally never change their minds and honestly you’re too young to have to live with a hateful MIL the rest of your life. Your 20’s are hard enough…

If he takes your side he will potentially resent you (given how both sister and mom throw things back in your face he may also have this habit to not fault of his own) if he doesn’t come to the conclusions that he’s being mistreated and chooses to step away and make boundaries with them on his own for his own sake.

He also probably doesn’t realize the extent those relationships affect him yet. – I would recommend him going to therapy to talk about some situations he’s lived through so he can see from a professional that the way they treat him is not okay.. not just you saying it then.

You may love your boyfriend but you’re both really young and you need to do what’s good for you at this point in time. I personally would see where he stands and just go no contact with them on your own and let him do his own thing. But eventually that will either make or break your relationship.

MarzipanJoy-Joy −  You have a boyfriend problem, tbh. He should be standing up for you and dealing with his family. He should never have even handed you that phone. 

firefly232 −  \ His mom immediately starts attacking me, telling me that I need to “step in line or you will be outcasted and sidelined.” I’m sorry, I know that what I say next is something you don’t want to hear, but the relationship with the mother and sister seems to be trashed, and because of this, I think your relationship with Vincent is doomed.

I would suggest that you take the time at Christmas to really step back and reflect on the relationship and your emotional state. Vincent is so used to being the family punchbag that he will struggle to get away from the dynamic. The mother and sister are punishing you as a way to get to him. I’m not sure it’s entirely personal on their side, it sounds like an unhealthy family dynamic altogether.

gingerlorax −  Why are you still spending time with Vincent’s sister if she mistreats him and you like this? Why doesn’t he stand up for himself and set boundaries?

ohgeez2879 −  in the sidebar of r/justnoMIL there’s a helpful adage: It’s easier to d**p a momma’s boy than it is to divorce a momma’s boy, and both are easier than changing a momma’s boy. Good luck.

decaturbob −  – this is a Vincent problem and not yours….if he can’t have boundaries with his family and if they DO NOT abide by them, this will never change – here is the thing IF this a real longterm relationship with possibilities of marriage and kids, you and he can simple tell dear old Mom and his sister when WE have kids YOU BOTH will not part of their lives….that is the ultimate throw down.

Who be outcasts then? This is a Vincent issue to address using YOUR conditions as the boundaries….otherwise your choice is to move on and finding some one more deserving.

AubergineForestGreen −  If he can’t even defend you against his crazy family – He’s not worth it. Women need to stop trying so hard to save men from themselves. This is his family drama, and getting involved will only backfire on you.

Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a backbone. He let his mother and sister verbally abuse you … why because it takes the heat off him. You have now become the brick wall that protects him from their b**lying. If you want a future being the family s**pegoat stay. If you don’t leave with your dignity

unrepentantbanshee −  Does your boyfriend have any good friends, especially any who knew him as a teenager and saw the dynamic since then? I’d encourage him to talk to them about his relationship with his family and the way his sister treats him, and get their input.

It might help the two of you with perceptions that you are influencing him about this, and validate his own feelings about his relationship with his family. While this has been going on for years, his mother’s claims that this is somehow your doing might get under his skin and cause doubt, so that outside validation can be really helpful.

Similarly, is your boyfriend in therapy? I’d encourage that for awhile, for much the same reason. An outside and unbiased voice helping him to process what he’s been through and what he wants going forward would be really helpful. 

zanne54 −  This is an enormous amount of b**lshit for a 4 month relationship. My advice hinges on:

\-What does Vincent think? Does he have the strength to stand up to his Mom and Sister, set boundaries and enforce consequences? (Likely not, he’s conditioned to accept the abuse & this is “normal” for him-he handed you the phone to talk to his Mom after all.)

\- Before you fight this fight, are you 110% sure a relationship with Vincent is a prize worth winning? It’s highly probable the only way to “win” is complete estrangement from his family of origin.

It’s obvious Vincent is the family whipping boy and s**pegoat, and Mom calls the shots. Can YOU handle the stress that will come if you continue this relationship?

guntonom −  I had a GF who would not stand up against her mom, and anything her mom said, was somehow 100% true even if it flew in the face of reality. Her mom attacked me in any way she could to make me sound like an absolute a**hole of a person.

It eventually came to a point where we rejected my families invitation to Christmas to do Christmas with her family, but two days before the holiday her mom uninvited me, and my gf would not do anything about it. I ended up sitting alone at home instead of spending Christmas with either family because my GF at the time would not stand up for me.

If your partner is not willing to establish and maintain hard boundaries with his family, then you need to break up or else you will end up like I did of being straight up abused and neglected. The worst part; that Christmas that I sat at home alone, was the last Christmas my mom was alive. I’ve been long since broken up with that girl; but I still hold her as the reason I didn’t get to spend my last possible Christmas with my own mom.

Do you think the Redditor is being unfairly blamed by her boyfriend’s family, or is there some truth to the accusations of manipulation? How would you handle a situation where your partner’s family is pressuring you in this way? Share your thoughts below!