Do I divorced my husband or am I being dramatic?

Family gatherings during the holidays can be a source of joy—or deep distress—depending on past experiences. I (39F) have been with my husband for 14 years, and together we have an 11‑year‑old daughter. While I cherish my relationship with my in-laws, there’s one glaring issue: my husband’s father has long put me down, making me feel like I’m not good enough for his son.

Even though I love his mother and siblings, I simply can’t stand spending the night at their home due to the constant negativity. With my own family to consider—my adult children and my need to preserve my well‐being—I’m seriously contemplating skipping overnight stays at his parents’ place this Christmas. But WIBTA if I choose to spend the day with my older kids instead, avoiding an environment that I know will only fuel conflict?

‘ Do I divorced my husband or am I being dramatic?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, states, “It is important to honor your emotional boundaries, especially during the holidays when family tensions are often heightened. If a particular environment consistently leaves you feeling devalued and stressed, it is entirely reasonable to set limits on your participation.”

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, adds, “Family traditions can be adapted to suit your emotional needs. Choosing to spend your time with those who make you feel safe and valued—like your own children—can be a healthy decision, even if it means forgoing longstanding rituals. It’s about finding balance and ensuring that your well-being isn’t sacrificed for the sake of tradition.”

Both experts agree that while family unity is important, protecting your mental health and maintaining a nurturing environment for your daughter is paramount. They suggest that if an overnight stay consistently triggers negative emotions and conflict, it is fair to opt for a compromise that allows you to be present for part of the day instead.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Several redditors expressed strong support for your decision. One user commented, “If staying overnight means exposing yourself to constant criticism and hostility, then you’re well within your rights to set boundaries. Your well-being matters.”

Another commenter shared, “I completely understand the need to protect your peace, especially during the holidays. If your in-laws’ home isn’t a safe space for you emotionally, then choosing to spend Christmas with your own family is not only reasonable but necessary.”

Ultimately, your decision to forgo overnight stays at your in-laws’ for Christmas is a protective measure for your emotional well-being—and that of your daughter. While it may ruffle some feathers, it’s important to prioritize environments where you feel valued and respected. This situation raises an important question: How do we balance cherished family traditions with the need to safeguard our mental health when past conflicts persist?

What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation, where the weight of family tension forces you to adapt long-standing holiday traditions? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the delicate balance between family obligation and self-care.