My (f26) husband (m27) yelled at me and i’m not sure how i feel.

A Redditor opened up about a troubling incident where her husband yelled at her over a minor accident in the kitchen, leaving her unsure of how to feel. Combined with his recent behavior and comments, she’s seeking advice on how to navigate this dynamic. Read the full story below.

‘ My (f26) husband (m27) yelled at me and i’m not sure how i feel ?’

For some context, my partner and I have been together for 5 years. He drinks a lot—2 to 3 bottles of vodka or rum (750 ml) per week—and also smokes. Recently, something happened that I can’t stop thinking about. Our pepper grinder stopped working, and I hadn’t realized it.

While making a sauce, some whole peppercorns accidentally spilled into it. Then, last Sunday, I was making eggs. I knew the grinder was broken, but I wanted to use the pepper dust at the bottom because the filter was still in. When I turned it over, the entire grinder fell apart, spilling peppercorns onto the eggs.

At that moment, my partner yelled at me loudly: “Can you stop f**king doing that.》 I was so surprised that I froze, apologized many times, and kept cooking. I even said I’d eat the ruined eggs.

A few minutes later, he came over and said, “Do you want a kiss?” He kept insisting on giving me one, but I told him that while he could kiss me if he wanted, it wouldn’t erase the fact that he had just yelled at me for no reason and that I needed time to process it. He responded by saying, “Okay, fine, I know I’m just a piece of s***,” and that was the end of it.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this. He knows about my history of physical violence and emotional abuse as a child, and that I’m currently in EMDR therapy to process that trauma. I’ve told him I need more peace and gentleness in my life, but his reaction still shocked me.

This isn’t the only strange behavior he’s shown lately. He’s made comments about my outfits being “too tight” (even when I’m just wearing leggings) and gives me the silent treatment whenever I try to discuss serious topics, like the idea of having kids or not.

Having a tantrum because i cooked a dish that he asked for his birthday but finally he didn’t want it anymore. Telling me i have sandy vag**na because i dont want to drink on a monday or tuesday. I’m not sure how i feel about all this.

I’ve obviously discussed it with my therapist, but I’d like to hear other perspectives. If I were to bring this up with him again, how should I approach it? He’s very sensitive and gets angry over the smallest things.. Thanks for reading.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

BrokenPaw −  So you’re married to an a**sive a**oholic. *Why* are you married to an a**sive a**oholic? Or, rather, I should say: Why are you *still* married to an a**sive a**oholic?

In what way does being married to an a**sive a**oholic make your life *better*? In what way does it create a future that you want to live in? You’re 26 years old. Imagine yourself a quarter of a century from now; you’re a 50-year-old woman, looking back on who she was when she was 26. Do you think she would *thank* you for staying with an a**sive a**oholic and requiring her to have to have *dealt* with that for half of her life?

…or would she thank you for having *left* him so that she was able to spend a quarter century *not* having to deal with all of that? I’m unsure how to address this, as he’s sensitive and quick to anger. You address it by *leaving*, and letting him be sensitive and quick to anger at your *lawyers*, during the divorce.

ahdrielle −  Why would you want to have a baby with someone who’s the definition of an a**oholic? You realize what kind of dad (or lack thereof) he would be…right?

MiasmAgain −  He has drinking problems, anger management problems, shuts down when you try to talk about life goals… lady, this guy is not husband material – not until he gets a boat load of therapy. And any man who called my vag “sandy” would no longer have access to it. He’s behaving like a 17 year old, not a 27 year old. You can do better.

tradjazzbaby −  You leave. Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy get you. It will not get better, just worse. If he decides to change, let him do it for himself, away from you. I’m nearly 50, and I am so thankful that I am no longer with the a**oholic I was with at 26, and I am especially thankful we never had children! Go find your happiness, be it alone or with a partner that is not an addict and treats you with love, respect and tenderness. Life is too short.

mangoserpent −  You are in a relationship with a verbally a**sive a**oholic.

Eli_1988 −  You fix it by leaving. Holy s**t.

purpleroller −  You’re young enough to leave him and start again OP. Don’t saddle your children with an a**oholic parent. Choose better for them and for yourself.. 💐

Ready_Willingness_82 −  Your husband is in the grip of a**oholism. A**oholism is a progressive disease, and the behavioural changes you’re seeing now are signs of progression. There is no cure. The only ‘treatment’ available is complete abstinence, for life.

I cannot stress enough that unless your husband acknowledges he has a problem and is prepared to stop drinking, it’s all downhill from here. The next steps will be punching holes in walls, physical violence, problems at work that will culminate in him being fired, and an inability to hold down any job after that. You can expect your life to be a living nightmare. Do not, repeat DO NOT, bring a child into this environment.

This is not going to get better. I can guarantee it will get worse – worse than you ever thought possible. You can’t save your husband, but you can and must save yourself. Find an AlAnon meeting close to you and go. (Not AA – those meetings are for alcoholics.

AlAnon meetings provide support and reality checks for partners, families and friends of alcoholics). At only 26 and with no children, the universe is giving you the opportunity to make a run for it. Please, please, please take that opportunity to have a clean break and create a new life for yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you. Somewhere out there, the man who’s meant for you is wondering where you are. xx.

Edited to add: I know you love him. I know it will be hard to leave. But leaving is actually the most loving thing you can do for him. While his life is easy and he has you to fall back on and enable him, he will not be able to see that he’s an a**oholic and he won’t be motivated to stop drinking.

The only hope that many alcoholics have of recovery is to hit rock bottom: no wife or husband, few or no friends left, no job, nobody paying their bills for them, absolutely nobody enabling them in any way, shape or form.

When the only options available to them are stop buying alcohol or (a) starve or (b) go to jail, that’s when they might sit up and take notice. Without abstinence, a**oholism only ever ends in one of two ways: d**th or jail. And it’s not always the a**oholic who dies. Sometimes it’s a partner, a child or a relative.

leavesaresobeautiful −  All of this is insulting and stressful. Your husband needs to speak to you at least as respectfully as a friend or colleague would. No one in my house would consider drinking on a weekday, ever drinking that much, or call anyone else insulting names for being reasonable about alcohol consumption. It is not acceptable to yell at someone over an accident. Even if you had no trauma history this would be unreasonable and jarring.

icecreamnow58 −  For the love of God don’t ruin another helpless innocent human being by having a baby with him. I was the child of an a**oholic father. It takes years of therapy to undo the damage done by a s**t show of a life.

Do you think the husband’s behavior reflects deeper issues that need addressing, or could this be resolved through better communication and understanding? How would you approach a partner who becomes defensive or angry during serious discussions? Share your thoughts below!