How do I (M40) reject my brother (M38) who asked to stay at our house with his wife (F38) and family?

A Reddit user shared their struggle with rejecting their brother’s request to stay with his family in their home, which has become a frequent occurrence since moving to a touristy city.

Balancing family ties with household peace, they’re searching for a kind yet firm way to set boundaries. Read the full story below to see how they plan to navigate this tricky situation.

‘ How do I (M40) reject my brother (M38) who asked to stay at our house with his wife (F38) and family?’

So we moved to a new house in a touristy city. Since we moved in, EVERYBODY including friends and family, want to stay with us. We’ve had guests at least 1-2 times a month since we moved in last year. It’s been draining on my wife (F36), especially, but also our two kids (M3,F6) (they are WILD when guests are here) and they don’t sleep well.

My brother just asked if he could stay and his two kids (M5,F7) for a few days in February and my wife is freaking out, saying things like “why do they always bother us!?”, “why can’t you just say no?!”, etc.

Honestly, I don’t want guests, especially kids, staying with us. Last time they were here, their kids ran upstairs and were jumping on our master BR bed, playing with our new blinds, getting food everywhere, turning the living room into a jungle gym, etc.

So my wife is 100% against, and myself, I’d be willing to bite the bullet for a couple days just to keep the peace, but I’d rather them not come. How do I politely let him down? I was thinking about saying something like, “Would it be possible for you to just get a hotel?

The kids go crazy and can’t handle guests. They also don’t sleep when people stay with us”. TLDR: Brother wants to bring his family to stay with us for a few days and we are against it. How to say no nicely?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

MorthaP −  …why is it such a big deal for you to just say no to the point that your wife basically has to beg you? Just say ‘no sorry, that won’t work’

PugGrumbles −  You should be more focused on keeping the peace with your wife and children. It’s their home too and they deserve to not constantly have people invading it. Why do you have guests so frequently? Can they not stay elsewhere?

Worldly_Macaroon_884 −  “Sorry, no, we’ve had too much company since moving to the new house. Need a long break from hosting. We’d love to meet up when you guys get in town though.” Really shouldn’t be that hard.

And I cannot imagine just outright asking to crash at someone’s new house. Your family is very entitled to your personal space. You need to set boundaries and stop stressing out your wife. 

MLeek −  How do I politely let him down? I was thinking about saying something like, “Would it be possible for you to just get a hotel? The kids go crazy and can’t handle guests. They also don’t sleep when people stay with us”

Dude, that’s *less polite* than just saying “No. We’d love to join you for a meal if you’re in town, but we’re not able to accommodate you as house guests at that time.”

You need to learn that No is perfectly polite. Justifications and excuses will just turn this into a negotiation like (“Oh, we’ll be sure to get the kids down at a reasonable hour!”). Just. Say. No. So Sorry. Can’t accommodate you.

matchamagpie −  No, don’t say something yellow bellied like “would it be possible…?” Grow a spine. You say “sorry, we’re unable to host this time but let us know if you’d like to meet up for a meal.”

If he asks why, just say “we’re busy”. If he asks why again, you redirect him to your first answer. If he keeps bugging you, that’s when you say “like I said, we’re unable to host this time. Please don’t push this” and end the conversation.

tommccabe −  By saying you want to keep the peace with your brother, you are putting your wife and kids second. I understand you want to see the rest of your family, but you have to consider what message you are sending to everyone else by not speaking up.

AukwardOtter −  So you’re not afraid to disappoint your wife? Would it be worth losing her to always put her needs last?

MissingBothCufflinks −  “Nah sorry, need some downtime”

Wwwweeeeeeee −  Just speak plainly. “We’ve had guests non since for almost a whole year, and we’re taking a break until at least June, from having any more family and friends stay over…. I love you man, here’s the number of a great little hotel just down the road.”

He won’t come, because he isn’t there to see you. He’s there to let his kids run wild with the built in babysitters — you. But, keep repeating this to people that keep asking. No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

Laquila −  Guests 1 to 2 times a month for the past year?!! That’s ridiculous. Just because you moved to a touristy area does not mean you must provide accommodation to family and friends.

No wonder your wife is at the point of freaking out. I’d have freaked out after the first month. This is polite enough: “No can do. We’re guested out.” If your brother doesn’t take that well, that’s a HIM problem, not yours or your wife’s.

How would you balance maintaining family relationships while protecting your own peace at home? Do you think honesty is the best approach, or would you find a softer excuse? Share your suggestions and opinions below!