My bf hates his life because we don’t live in NYC and I can’t stand it?

A Reddit user shared a heartfelt dilemma about her boyfriend’s deep dissatisfaction with their current life in San Francisco. After moving there to be together.

His constant yearning for New York City has left her torn between supporting his dream and focusing on her own career and stability. Dive into the full story below to see how she’s navigating this tricky situation.

‘ My bf hates his life because we don’t live in NYC and I can’t stand it?’

Around 6 months ago, I (26F) moved to SF to be with my boyfriend (26M) . We had been long distance from norcal to socal for 2ish years. I quit my job, left my community, and moved in with him. I went full time with my small business. It’s worked out, but I miss my old job and have been interviewing to return to office in the bay.

After like 1 month of living in SF with him, he started constantly talking about how SF is “dead” and NYC is the place to be. All his close friends live there and he actually had a lease when we met that he ended up breaking to date me. Then he went to NYC for a work trip and came back and talked about how much better NYC is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

He goes downtown and talks about how dead it is in SF. Talks about how the social scene is so much better, how the people are way cooler, how his work life would be way better with the in person office culture in NYC.

He talks about how “bored” he feels here in SF all the time and how he needs to move ASAP. I told him I’m open to moving, but the research positions I qualify for pay 2-3x times LESS than here in the bay. The hard part is I think NYC would be an amazing experience, BUT I can’t justify 2-3x less pay.

I just need to rant about this and get some advice for what I should do. I told him if he wants to move to NYC right now, he should just go, but he refuses and says not without me. I’m not down to continue to watch him be miserable.

It sucks because we have a really amazing relationship right now. We both feel confident about each other being “the one” and potentially getting engaged soon. Should I try to make this dream happen for him or focus on myself?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

DiTrastevere −  “I’m not happy to continue listening to how much you hate your life in SF if you’re unwilling to do anything about it. I am not in a position to pick up and move right now, and I cannot give you a timeline on if/when that will change, so I need you to make a decision – either find a way to be content in this city with me,

and keep NYC as a long-term “maybe” option, or make plans to move without me. What’s happening now is unhelpful and unproductive, and it’s starting to make me feel like I’m being blamed for your unhappiness, which I hope isn’t your intention.” 

Electrical_Abies5182 −  Sounds infuriating. Nobody else can really tell you what to do in this scenario. You moved to be with him and gave up a lot for it, now you’ve got a good job and he wants to uproot and move without apparent consideration to you.

Unless he is spending as much effort in reassuring you that he’s on board with your vote and understands what you’ve given up already to be with him in SF I would be considering breaking up already as he doesn’t seem very considerate from what you say here anyway.

Don_T_Blink −  “Wherever you go, there you are”. Is he sure it is SF and not he himself who is boring?

irritatingbaby −  SF is notoriously hard as f**k to make friends in. If it’s only been a few months of you all living here, it’s going to be a while. Is he actively trying to meet friends here? There are tons of meet up apps (I can send recommendations), as well as events in r/Sf or r/AskSF all the time.

Downtown SF is also the most dead part of the city, literally. That is the place I tell people to avoid when they’re visiting. If you’re not investing in your community or different neighborhoods, you’re gonna have a bad time.

There are ways to make friends, but it’s not going to be as easy as it is in NYC (I’ve had many people confirm this). If he genuinely wants recommendations and help making friends (or if you want to talk to someone in SF!) feel free to message me. But, to be honest, it seems like he isn’t putting effort into making friends and would rather complain to you.

CameraMysterious6033 −  I just moved to NYC from SF. Yes, there’s a lot more to do here and things are open later, but when you actually live here you’re mostly at work or at home vs when you’re on a trip here it’s go, go, go.

I also have a good set of friends who live in the city, so feel like my situation is kind of like your boyfriend’s. While I wouldn’t dissuade him from going, the reality is that NYC is a good move but probably a little less fun on a day to day basis than the ideal in his mind.

New York City on its bests days or nights out is better than anywhere else in the US but all other days it’s just as boring as anywhere— and there are NYC specific annoyances.

In my opinion, you can have as much fun in SF with a good group of friends as you would have living in NYC. While downtown SF is empty/recovering there are so many different neighborhoods, bars, and restaurants in SF.

kortniluv1630 −  I’d be annoyed af that he drops this on you right after you uproot your life to move there for him. If he wasn’t happy there, why did he allow that? Also, y’all are 26 and talking marriage, so I can’t understand why he’s so concerned about the social scene. Does he still party like a college kid or what?

humboldt77 −  Man, tell that punk to move to Cincinnati Ohio for a year. He’ll appreciate San Francisco real quick.

spacey_a −  I would bet anything that if he does move to NYC (with or without you), he’ll be complaining about how boring it is within the year. Don’t move for him. Only agree to move if you would be happy there without him, bc then if you break up you’re still happy with the decision to move.

And if you wouldn’t be happy moving to NYC, and he keeps complaining about SF, break up with him and find someone who knows how to appreciate where they already are and what they already have.

This dude strikes me as the “grass is always greener on the other side” type. You may need to find a “grass is always greener where you water it ” type, because it sounds like you’re that type (and it’s a much healthier way to be).

AccomplishedYoung110 −  Reason number 3000 you never move for a man. Also SF is pretty big why is he only going to downtown? 

kittywyeth −  he should move but he should also be prepared for that to not solve his discontentment, which is internal. location is rarely the source of true unhappiness.

Do you think she should prioritize her career and personal stability or take a leap of faith to support her boyfriend’s dream? How would you balance such a significant difference in goals within a relationship? Share your thoughts below!