AITA for not attending Xmas lunch with the inlaws?

A Reddit user shared their emotionally charged experience with their in-laws, highlighting years of tension that reached a breaking point over holiday plans. The in-laws’ dislike for the user, coupled with a stressful DIY project, led to an explosive argument that affected the user’s husband, who struggles with mental health challenges. Now, as Christmas approaches, the user must decide whether to attend the family lunch or prioritize their own well-being. Read the full story below for the details.

‘ AITA for not attending Xmas lunch with the inlaws?’

My inlaws don’t like me. They tolerate me never made the effort to get to know me. My husband is not close to them, I encourage him to call and see them despite their feelings about me. FIL retired this year, he was a cabinetmakeer. He did not want to retire and has been offering to come to our house to fix things. I had been reluctant to agree, hubby convinced me. Saying family help each other. He ‘fixed’ a drawer that broke, with different sized bits of wood.

Hubby has been battling with severe depression and anxiety, I’ve encouraged him to tell his family, he hadn’t. I bought some cabinets that needed to be put together.

Long story, part of the cabinet was put together the wrong way which made hanging the door impossible with a screwdriver. I said I’ll buy a drill. Hubby said FIL has one we can use, can save money etc. My mistake was I agreed.
FIL comes over with a flat drill battery. It’s a boiling hot day. He says he’ll get MIL to bring drill batteries. I say let’s just do another day, it’s hot etc. He calls MIL, tells her what to get. She says she’s unsure where batteries are, he insists to go in the shed, etc.

FIL says he’s going to drill through a piece of wood rather than just s**ew in the hinge. I ask if that he will cause hinge to fall out, hubby was also concerned. FIL says no, explains why. MIL calls back upset, speaks to hubby saying she does not know what she’s doing, can’t remember our address. FIL has history of screaming at MIL for stuff like this. I say let’s do it on weekend, it’s hot and things going wrong. Hubby tells FIL to drive home safe as he leaves.

15 mins later MIL calls hubby, screaming at him for ‘questioning FILs abilities’. Hubby argues back. Multiple calls, FIL says he’s upset that hubby told him to drive safe and doesn’t like that my uncle made a joke last year about him never retiring. Hubby is distraught. Starts dry retching from stress. They are ignoring his calls. He’s never seen them this upset. I offer to msg, he agrees and approves what I sent.

Asked them to he kind to hubby, he’s struggling with MH and can’t cope with this. Asked them not to take their dislike for me out on hubby and be kind to him. Said I would not be coming to Xmas as I need space and to look after myself so I can support.

SIL called me, said FIL is very upset. Asked what happened, told her above. She got angry at me about not talking about hubby’s MH and asked for me to speak to FIL as he’s upset. I said my priority is hubby and might speak to FIL after things cool down in a few days. SIL messaged me, accusing me of breaking family apart and keeping hubby from them. Said FIL had a right to make comments.

Hubby has had calls from InLaws, says they want to apologise. Hubby is upset with me because I don’t want to see or speak to them right now.Hubby says I’m not to blame,FIL overreacted and says I need to forgive. Hubby wants me to go with him for xmas lunch, I declined, saying I need space.. MORE INFO IN COMNENT BELOW.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

cutestjade −  NTA. it’s a long mess and you’re already putting your husband’s well-being first, which is more than enough. taking space is fair when they’ve been causing stress, let hubby see them if he wants, but you don’t owe anyone your presence.

Mathalamus2 −  My inlaws don’t like me. They tolerate me never made the effort to get to know me.. i went this far to say NTA.

helikasp −  NTA for not wanting to go but you are for encouraging him to get closer to his family. You knew they didn’t like you and that he wasn’t close to them so why did you invite disaster by encouraging him to make more and more contact? What did you hope to accomplish there?

imsooldnow −  NTA for making a sensible decision, but why have you encouraged him to spend time with such toxic people? That was your first mistake and honestly, you’re a massive ah to your hubby and yourself for doing that. Family that hurts is not family that’s beneficial.

I’m glad you’re taking care of your mental health now and I hope your husband realises he’s better off without them in his life. Be less supportive of them being present. Be honest and tell him you need to be respected, and you’re done trying when nothing will change. You don’t deserve to spend your life having your self esteem destroyed.

PS_is_BS −  Why are you encouraging hubby’s relationship with them? If he’s dealing with mental issues, the very last thing he needs is his toxic family around. I think you should stop encouraging a relationship with them. Don’t discourage him if he himself initiates a relationship with them but if he’s not interested, don’t push him to have one.

I also think that you should go low contact with them. Stop having them over to fix things and if you can, just pay someone else to come do it.  And if hubby isn’t in therapy, he should look into it. If his reaction to them is so bad that’s he’s retching after interacting with them, he should be in therapy. And lastly, hubby shouldn’t be pushing for you to have a relationship with them. If he’s okay being treated terribly by them, that’s on him, but that doesn’t mean you have to go along for that hellish ride.

So yeah, maintain your boundaries with them. Protect your peace. And if suggested, say no to hosting at your house. And completely remove yourself from the situation (like go spend the day with your side of the family or with friends) if hubby insists on hosting.

NTA. Your in-laws are massive and toxic a-holes and should be given a wide berth. Hubby needs loads of therapy to undo the damage they’ve done and continue to do to him. And he needs to start putting boundaries with them. And if he can’t set boundaries with them, then for your own peace of mind and to protect your home and space from all their negativity, it’s up to you to hold firm and limit their access to you and your home. 

Scotsburd −  Stop. Let your husband deal with his family. Or not, if he so chooses. Stop running interference, you will never succeed. These people get pleasure in hating you. Leave them to their misery, disengage and guard your peace.

Frankifile −  Your husband isn’t close to his family. Why are you taking it upon yourself to encourage him to call them and speak with them? This is the consequences of your own meddling. Of course your husband wants you to be at the Christmas get together, he needs you to cushion him against his a**sive family. And you should because you’re the one who’s been meddling and badgering him to speak to family he has shown you he doesn’t want to be close to.

I never get why women (and it’s women a lot of the time) who get into a relationship then think they can dictate their partners relationship with his own family. The man was not close to them for a reason, now deal with the fall out of the mess you created.

Bloodrayna −  NTA Can imagine why someone would be depressed with a family like that. 

Trishalicious_ −  NTA. You’re in a tough spot, and it’s totally understandable why you’d want to skip the Christmas lunch. You’ve been trying to juggle your husband’s mental health, in-laws’ feelings, and your own peace of mind, which is no small feat. The situation with your FIL added unnecessary stress, and it’s clear that things escalated quickly over something that should have been straightforward.

You’ve done your part to smooth things over and now it’s okay to take a step back and look out for your own well-being. Your husband recognizes that you’re not to blame, which is important. Taking space for yourself, especially when emotions are running high, can sometimes help diffuse tension and give everyone time to reflect and hopefully approach the situation with a calmer perspective later on.

Dontkillmejay −  Why on earth are you encouraging him to reach out to them more? Talk about self destructive behaviour.