Aitah for re-considering my marriage to my fiance after he said he’d put his disabled son in care home after we get married?

A Redditor preparing to marry her fiancé, Eric, was shocked to learn he planned to place his disabled son in a care home after their wedding. As Eric avoided providing clear reasons, the user struggled with whether to proceed with the marriage, questioning his decision and its impact on their future. Read the full story below.

‘ Aitah for re-considering my marriage to my fiance after he said he’d put his disabled son in care home after we get married?’

I’m getting married to my fiance Eric in few months. He has 3 children, one of which is disabled since birth. His mother left early and Eric has been caring for him ever since. His name is Brian. While we were discussing wedding planning, Eric told me he’s planning on moving Brian to a care home after we get married.

I was shocked I asked why and he avoided answering saying “it’s for personal reasons”. I tried to get him to explain why because I found his decision unbelievable. He said something about “re-arrsnging family dynamic” and wanting us to live “normal family life” I was floored at this point.

I didn’t want to keep arguing cause he seemed upset about it. He might be dealing with caregiver burn-out or something but he’s the parent and shouldn’t just basically throw his son in a care home especially when his son is still minor.

I’m now reconsidering the wedding but I don’t know if I’m making the right decision since MIL told me it was non of my business, and that I should respect her son’s decisions. My own folks say this shouldn’t affect my marriage to Eric since he’s trying his best to make everyone happy.

See what others had to share with OP:

Ghost3022 −  I would need more information on the extent of his son’s disability. It might be that he can’t handle the amount of care that’s required for his son. Sometimes there isn’t an alternative. But without more information, it’s hard for me to judge that.

ETA. She has given more information. NTA. I just don’t know how to show her comment to me to change my mind on the judgement for now. He still might not be wrong, but right now, she isn’t wrong!

ETA 2: They really do need couples therapy if Eric agrees to it and hopefully he will. Check out her comments under her profile section. She sounds like a great person from her comments.

She’s trying to be respectful of Brian’s privacy so she’s unwilling to share exact details (that just adds to her respectfulness, doesn’t look bad on her)! This is a tough situation for her unless Eric will open up to her more. Also maybe she could try asking Brian his feelings on all of this. It really is just complicated!

7625607 −  Are you prepared to assume taking care of his son if your fiancé is exhausted with caregiver burnout?. How old are his children?

angelrossy −  NTA. It’s completely understandable to reconsider your relationship after hearing something like that. It shows a lack of empathy and responsibility towards his child, which is a huge red flag in a partnership. Your feelings and concerns are valid.

FoggyDaze415 −  Can’t make a decision without anymore details. How disabled is his son? How does it effect the other kids? Will he keep getting worse? 

peachez728 −  As a parent of a severely disabled 9 year old I can offer a different perspective. She needs help with everything and as I was forcing her out of the bath (she didn’t want to get out so I had to climb in the tub, put both my arms under her arms and physically lift her up and out the tub) I thought to myself “I’m 47 years old. She’s only 9.

What am I going to do when she’s older like 16?” Putting my daughter in a home is something I would never want to do but is something I might have to do. I would talk to your fiancé. Maybe he is thinking what I am thinking.

Find out what he would do if you two have a special needs child. Find out how often he plans to visit his child in the facility? Would the child visit the family at home some days. Good luck.

ConfoundedInAbaddon −  Care home placement can take years. If it’s already lined up this may have been a very old decision that is finally catching up. If the care home is a new decision, then the placement may not occur until the child is no longer a minor.

There are real benefits in a well-managed group care home for people to live with a similar social group and have freedom and. Independence that is hard to have in the parental home. When it is still your parents, it is hard to feel like an adult.

If the care home is within a couple hours driving, many of these facilities have programs for living at the care home part-time and the family home part-time, such as weekends at home, or half and half.

If the plan is to mirror normal human development, where the child gets to be independent as they become an older teenager or early twenties, then the time to start looking for a care home can be 15 or 16, as it could take a few years to get a good placement at a good facility.

If the father and the mother do not want to do care into adulthood, and would prefer their child be in an independent situation, it feels like the co-parenting dynamic there might take precedence over the stepmother preference? There is such a huge difference between assisting and care and being the primary caregiver if there is a major disability.

If there are a lot of personal care needs, such as diapers and a**l cream, you could see a father preferring to provide adult dignity such that a nurse or other professional is providing that care as opposed to one adult family member providing that care for another adult family member. It’s a different dynamic as disabled kids mature to disabled adults.

Mother_Search3350 −  He doesn’t want to talk to you about the thought process of sending his child to a care home. His family says it’s ‘none of your business’ . How do you marry a man who is making major life decisions and doesn’t even think about telling you why and what his long term care plan for his child is? . You are definitely NTAH 

He needs to speak to you as his wife and tell you WTF is happening with his child.. Is his disorder genetic? Will it affect any future children you have with him? 

Salt-Finding9193 −  How old is Brian? He might be better off in a care home. It’s a full time job are you prepared to do it? 

Lyzab77 −  NTA but not for the reasons I read here. I would be scared that my fiancé would want the “normal” family. What is a normal family ? The perfect one ? Life is hard and he can’t just get rid of a child because he doesn’t fit with his perfect family. So what would happen to our own children if one is disabled ?

What would he do to ME if I had a car accident and was disabled? So I couldn’t trust this man. He has his reasons but… I couldn’t trust him. About you, I read that your MIL reaction makes you want to get married. This should be a red flag.

If MIL tells you that the dynamic of your family is only your husband business, so who are you in this family ? You’re supposed to be a couple and make the decision together. So it’s a second problem to me with this hypothetic marriage…

throwawtphone −  You should edit your post. Important facts are getting lost in comments. 1. Brian is in wheelchair.he does not have any intellectual disabilities. He is 15 years old. He requires assistance with hygiene tasks.

2. Brians mom left. Eeic remarried and she left after having 2 more kids stating she didnt want to physically take care of Brian. 3. You have been assisting Eric with Brian for a year.. Imho

Eric has had relationships with 2 crappy women and is scared you will leave. Based on your comments you are not a crappy person and Eric is lucky. I think you are correct to be worried.

Brian apparently is intellectually and emotionally 15 years old with just physical impairments so going to a care home would be emotionally devastating to a kid that could completely understand the situation.

This sounds like a you guys should get a therapist and some in home care. There is no reason you all cant live full and happy lives, including Brian. The technology available to people with physical disabilities is getting better and better.

Do you think Eric’s decision to place his son in a care home was justifiable given the complexities of caregiving, or was it an unfair move? How would you navigate a relationship when a decision like this challenges your values? Share your thoughts below!