Update: AITAH for how I reacted when my niece announced she was engaged?

If you didn’t see my previous post, here’s a tl;dr: my niece is 18 and getting married with a man who’s 36. They started dating when she was 17. When she announced she was engaged I said that it was wrong that he was so much older than her, but everyone else found it okay. First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/CNkzO

‘ Update: AITAH for how I reacted when my niece announced she was engaged?’

The article has the next update at the end.

So I’ve taken the past 24h to really reflect on all of this, I tried to take in most of the advice in the comments, and here’s what I have decided. I don’t think that me telling her and everyone that the relationship is weird was wrong, I do however think that I did it wrong and it was pretty harsh because it was in the heat of the moment. But I still find this very creepy and don’t think she should get married.. What I’ve decided to do is:

1. Apologize to her. I sent her a text saying I was sorry for my outburst and that I should’ve thought it through beforehand. I told her that I never wanted to make her feel like I didn’t want her to be happy, and that I loved her very much and had her best interests in mind.

2. Ask her if we could talk about this. I asked if she would be okay and free to hang out and maybe get coffee this week to talk about all of this with a clear head. I really want to try and get her to see why it’s weird and that maybe marrying him is not a great choice.

3. Explain myself to my brother. I sent him a text saying that I was sorry for the way I said it, but that I still thought that it needed to be said. I explained to him why I think Mark is a predator and this relationship could have a very negative and damaging impact on Ella.

I’m still waiting on their replies. I’ll update when they reply, or when I see Ella (if she accepts), depending on how long it would take. In the meantime, I really want to thank everyone who gave me advice and was constructive, and really tried to help my niece out of this situation. I also send my best to all of the people in the comments sharing similar stories when they were the teenager getting groomed. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I really hope you’re doing better now.

Update 2: https://aita.pics/pmIdx
Update 3: https://aita.pics/YVnCf

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Outrageous-Ad-9069 −  I was the stupid 18 year-old with a 32 year-old. It turned out poorly. But at the time I thought he was the love of my life and nobody could have told me otherwise. The apology good. Just let her know that you love her and will be there for her. Be nice to him, if you can stomach it, so she never has to choose between you. Maybe she’ll get lucky and it will be happily ever after. But if it isn’t, she may need a support system.

[Reddit User] −  My mom’s 46 and my dad is 60, I’m not sure how old they were when they met but they’ve been married a long time. Before I was born(I’m 21). She’s been a SAHM every since they got together. She’s expressed interest in working several times but he never let her. She’s completely dependent on him.

He’s done loads of s**t that she’s had to put up with for years because she’s dependent on him. I’m not saying this is how your niece’s relationship will go, but unfortunately I’ve realized this is the norm for relationships with huge age gaps. It’s about control. I hope her relationship doesn’t go this route, but be there for her throughout the relationship, just in case it does she’ll have someone to turn to.

Odd_Instruction519 −  Put yourself in her shoes: imagine you at 18 brought home a girl (or boy) your parents disapproved of. What arguments of theirs would you have listened to? Would them saying ‘it’s weird’ have swayed you? All you can do in your situation, imo, is tell them you will always be available in case anything goes wrong.

peppermintvalet −  He’s an absolute c**ep, but it’s a lesson she’s going to have to learn on her own. There’s probably nothing you can do to change her mind at this point. Just let her know that no matter what you will be there for her as soon as she needs you.

Just__A__Commenter −  To everyone telling you “it’s not your place”, they are wrong. Someone you care about is being grossly taken advantage of. She is the victim of a predator. Saying something is not only your place, but your moral responsibility.

DLPsmkBue_1434 −  So, he probably has a house, car and an organized life. She probably barely finished school. Do you know how easy it is for him to manipulate people like that? I also dated someone older when I was underage and I thank my parents for not letting me because I only saw later how much it ruined me… being a predator isn’t just about dating underage people (which she was) but also how they (predators) manage to control it.

I certainly didn’t listen to anyone when they told me it was love and destiny when he liked me, but I was lucky that it was actually illegal and my parents did something.

AssToAssassin −  To put the age gap in perspective, ask her how she feels about the idea of being romantically involved with someone 17 years younger than her. You could even scale it however you want and say anywhere from 5 to 10 years. Ew. But as far as a thought experiment goes, it might hit home. That’s the kind of maturity gap shes looking at here.

Fast forward it as well…..she’s gonna be 30 and her husband will be almost 50. He’ll be in his 60s when she’s 45. Will he live to see their kids graduate, will he be around for grandkids? If he gets sick, she’s going to be spending most of her adult life taking care of an old man. I mean, that’s assuming he doesn’t d**p her for a younger model by that point.

chez2202 −  I am almost 12 years younger than my partner of 29 years. My sister (2 years older than me) has the same age gap with her partner of 30 years. My partner’s parents had a 13 year age gap and were married for 59 years until his father died.. Age gap relationships can work. But everyone I have listed was over the age of 20 when the relationships began.

My MIL was 25 when she had her first child. I was 30. You should speak to your brother and SIL and ask them why they support this relationship considering that it began when their child was 17. They might tell you that they felt the same way at the start and it would be very strange if they didn’t. When you have their answers you can make your own mind up about what to do going forward.

Typical_Internet_730 −  Telling you, run a background check on his ass. Or tell your brother too. I think he has a history of this s**t.

liveswithcats1 −  Ugh, I had a 37 year old boyfriend when I was 18. I was a mess, and predators can sense that and swoop in. He was desperate to get me pregnant, but thank heaven I had been scared off teen pregnancy by after school specials, so I was very careful with birth control.

If you can talk to your niece about birth control, please do everything you can to make sure she’s on it. If she marries him, it’s not great, but unless she gets pregnant, it will be possible for her to leave when she realizes it was a mistake. If she has a kid with him it’s going to be very difficult.