UPDATE: AITAH For Refusing To Get Rid Of The Evidence Of My Ex’s Infidelity?

I wasn’t sure if I was going to do this but since someone messaged me I thought I’d share. Don’t know if I’ll give another update after this one though. Long story short, my ex got arrested and my ex is facing charges. For details please continue reading. First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/PtoWm

‘ UPDATE: AITAH For Refusing To Get Rid Of The Evidence Of My Ex’s Infidelity?’

Context: I had a security to which my children know the security code to, but for unimportant reasons I there was a switch in the company and when I upgraded I was given a new code and security pad to put it in. Also, at the advice of the people installing the new I moved it to another spot.

I told my oldest two kids what the new code was in-person, as I don’t like texting that type of stuff in fear of phone hacking and since my youngest daughter wasn’t talking to me and didn’t want to hear from me, she didn’t know about the change in codes.. Now on the what happened.

I left town for a trip I’d scheduled a while back that my youngest daughter was aware of. This trip was going to be about 7 days long so my neighbors knew to keep their eyes pealed for anything suspicious. Two days into my trip I get an alert that my house was being broken into.

The company calls and I tell them that I did NOT enter my home and wasn’t expecting anyone. My neighbors also called the authorities. I could tell by the security cam that it was my ex-wife and she had someone else there but I didn’t recognize them.

The authorities had detained my ex who insisted that it was all a simple “misunderstanding” and I told them over the phone that it wasn’t and I wanted to press charges and then laughed when the call was over. I laughed a lot. Hard and to the point where I was in tears and struggling to breathe. There was something about my trashy ex getting punished by the law that felt so liberating to me, but my joy took a pause when I started getting calls from my youngest.

Turns out she gave the (old) security code to her mom with the intent to search my home for the tapes while I was gone and get them. My ex went on a different day than what was planned (don’t know why) and that’s how everything happened. My daughter asked me not to press charges but I went forward with it. My daughter was angry with me and we got into an argument where she blamed me for still having the tapes and telling her that I had the tapes.

We haven’t really spoken since but my other daughter convinced me to go to therapy and after a couple of sessions I discovered that one of the reasons why I held on to the tapes was because I never felt as if my ex was punished enough for what she did. She never apologized, never showed remorse, made excuses, and that has always pissed me off and it’s also why I’m refusing to drop the charges. I’m still processing what all this means but that’s how it is right now.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

FukAllYouCommies −  NTA.. RUIN HER!

Material_Cellist4133 −  Your youngest is an a**hole. I understand what happened to her was wrong, but you didn’t do the same actions towards your ex. She is class-a b**ch. Sorry but not sorry for saying that about your youngest.

SurroundMiserable262 −  I called this without reading the update. . Get the tapes out of the house. Another reason i suspect you are keeping the tapes is because deep down you’re worried you might forgive her, whatever the sob story is, however big it is, how much the children beg you and you need the physical reminder of what she did to steal your reserve. 

Make copies. Put the originals in a safety deposit box and digitise them. Then give the copies to your daughter to give to your wife. Still press charges for breaking into your house. Never give the youngest your code again and change it regularly. 

JRAWestCoast −  Breaking and entering. In almost every jurisdiction in the country, it’s a felony! Heavens only knows what else she could have rifled through and taken. Your home is your castle, by law. I’m in vehement agreement with you NOT to drop charges. Let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Your younger/est daughter is out of line. Make no excuses to her or anyone. Just follow through with charges. Let justice run its course. You did great. Y are NTAH.. Edit: Simplified edit.

AlwaysHelpful22 −  Your daughter has probably been complicit in EVERYTHING. yikes.

Malloo1a −  NTA. Keeping the tapes isn’t the issue here. Your ex’s inability to respect boundaries and your daughter’s involvement in this scheme are. Your ex had no right to break into your house, period. It’s not your fault she got arrested.

Calm_Cicada_8805 −  You shouldn’t have told your daughter that you have s** tapes of her mother’s infidelity. Your kid didn’t need to know that. What on Earth would possess you to share that information?

HeartfeltFart −  Your daughter’s ex had non consensual porn of her. That in and of itself is a horrible violation. Your daughter understands how that can feel from personal experience, and there’s a very high chance that she wont forgive you if you insist on sticking to this immoral choice, which degrades her mom and erodes her sense of s**ual safety in the world, and continue to enact revenge.

The cheating was wrong and a terrible betrayal and the divorce was justified. This is a separate issue. You have every right to your anger and should seek professional support. You were victimized.

That says, keeping nonconsensual porn is a terrible violation, whether or not you sit around watching it every day. The ex shouldn’t have to trust that you aren’t watching it, or sharing it, or that you’re keeping it properly locked away. She doesn’t consent. And you hate her and want to punish her. You need to look beyond your anger and ditch what is now illegal material for a reason.

I sincerely doubt that your relationship to your kids can be healed without it. You were so obviously the victim but you are now making your ex the victim. Only a real c**ep would hang onto nonconsensual porn of anyone let alone a woman they hate and the mother of their kids. It’s illegal now for good reason. You are being an absolute c**ep and your kids recognize it to the point of helping their mom break in to reclaim her right to her body.

The legal excuse is a joke. Did you ask a lawyer? Revenge thirsty comments on Reddit don’t know what they are talking about. The divorce is done. Consult a lawyer and keep evidence without porn if you must.

GrumpyLump91 −  Tapes. We are back in 1988.

JuliaX1984 −  Great way to treat the parent who saved her from an a**sive ex. You have the tapes bevause they’re evidence from a case you were involved in. Your therapist sounds like a parody.