AITAH for telling my mom I don’t want to be her daughter anymore?

A Redditor (22F) shared a painful story about the strain in her relationship with her mother, who has always been much harder on her than her three brothers. Growing up, she was expected to take on a parental role, managing household chores and caring for her brothers while balancing schoolwork.

After returning home post-graduation, she was confronted again with her mother’s unreasonable expectations, leading her to tell her mom that she no longer wanted to be her daughter. Now, she’s grappling with guilt over the harsh words, even though she feels the double standards are too much to tolerate. To read the full story and see how others are reacting, check it out below…

‘ AITAH for telling my mom I don’t want to be her daughter anymore?’

For reference I(22f) am the only daughter and I have 3 brothers(14m, 19m, and 29m) and my mother is 50. Since I was a child I have always noticed she was harder on me and expected so much more from me than she ever did from them. I was a parentified child because my mom worked in a whole other city and came home on weekends.

Our relationship was awful because I had to deal with the stress of getting my brothers to school, cooking dinner, getting them to get ready for bed while also managing schoolwork and clubs. I got into a prestigious school because that was literally my escape and now I’ve graduated and I’m stuck back at home which is fine except for the fact that the house is utterly DISGUSTING and I mean absolutely insane, dishes piled up dust on every surface grime and n**ty.

She would lose her mind at me over the smallest piece of lint on the ground and it just irritated me because it’s like wow, you actually never gave a s**t about the house being clean, it was always about controlling me. But I have no money and she isn’t making me pay rent, at least. So I cleaned my room kept it tidy and bought a fridge and stay in my room most of the time.

A few days ago she barged into my room calling me selfish for getting a fridge and asked me when I was gonna clean the house? I went off on her and told her I didn’t want to be her daughter anymore, I wanted to be her son, she has 3 able bodied men in the house and she obviously doesn’t care if they clean so just pretend I am one of them.

She basically went on to say that she is never worried about me, but they need extra help but my thing is you put me into a role before I was ready, expected more of me and coddled them and now you are surprised they can’t take care of themselves.

I think seeing her treat my youngest brother like an actual child, and refuse to give him the same level of responsibility I had at that age made me even more pissed off. I feel bad for what I said because she was obviously hurt and is giving me the silent treatment but the double standard is too much, I refuse to be a doormat anymore. AITAH?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Broficionado −  She’s got some serious internalized misogyny. What you said is 100% accurate, they are capable of cleaning up after themselves, they choose not to because they have that choice, you didn’t. That’s the only difference.. NTA.

wild_babygirl −  Yeah, that’s a tough spot. It’s totally fair to feel annoyed by the double standards. It’s like your mom expects you to be the housemaid just because you’re the daughter. It’s awesome that you’re standing up for yourself! Maybe try talking to her about it when things are calm? If she’s willing to listen, cool. If not, don’t let her walk all over you. You deserve better!

fly1away −  Can you leave? Move out as soon as possible. NTA.

[Reddit User] −  Nta. In india, it is common for daughters to take responsibility for household chores and boys are given nothing in chores. I was trained to be wife material by my mom and she was hard on me. I don’t blame her. She was raised with these values . But she made sure I am educated and helped me in career. I made sure both of my kids are well learnt and there is no difference between them. I don’t want my son to be clueless like his useless father. You have every right to protect yourself.

Heoomun −  NTA, being singled out like that would traumatize any child and cause loads of resentment. Your mum has been putting you through her own s**t for years, it’s time for her to deal with it herself. Sorry you had to go through that, you deserved way better.

Evening_Web6804 −  NTA. Absolutely it was a hurtful thing to say, but in context you werent saying you didnt want to be HER daughter, it was that you’d prefer to be her son – and with good reason why. I think it is fair and justified. Unfortunately I think your mum is holding some internalised misogyny & the best thing you can do is keep your head down & move out. It’s not up to you to parent your mother or your brothers!

wishingforarainyday −  NTA, but your mom is. Are you able to move out? Maybe time away would be good for you both. You will have less responsibilities and she will see how much she demanded from you but not your brothers.
They are going to grow up not able to take care of themselves.

CartoonistPrize8186 −  NTA. There are 5 people in the house, 4 of them adults, and all of them are capable of picking up a mop, hoover, dishcloth, or duster. Your mum wants a clean house, then It’s time to divide and conquer the chores and then a rota to maintain them. It’s not that difficult.

I_wanna_be_anemone −  NTA Next time she starts trying to pick a fight, laugh at her and tell her that no one with self respect will want a mammas boy slob incapable of even cleaning up after himself for a partner, friend or co-worker.

That her enabling means that anyone who has to leave with her precious helpless boys when they move out are going to swiftly lose all respect for them. That maybe they’ll finally learn how to do some chores when they’re shamed for being so incompetent. They’ll likely even resent their mom for failing to teach them how to be self sufficient adults.  You’re already on her s**t list, may as well rub her face in her failures. 

Chance_Vegetable_780 −  NTA. You’ve got to live elsewhere. Please don’t make the mistake. Have the courage to ask a relative or friend if you can move with them. It’s a long road to unravel parentification and trauma. Enough.