AITA for telling my parents nobody wants to hear about the daughter they gave up for adoption in front of my boyfriends parents?

A Redditor is questioning whether she was in the wrong for calling out her parents during a tense dinner with her boyfriend’s family. Her parents have continually pressured her to focus on the daughter they gave up for adoption years ago, insisting that her absence should be a core part of their family dynamic.

After they pushed the topic too far in front of her boyfriend’s parents, she snapped, telling them that no one else cares about the daughter they gave up. Was her reaction justified, or did she overstep by confronting them publicly? Read the full story below to weigh in.

‘ AITA for telling my parents nobody wants to hear about the daughter they gave up for adoption in front of my boyfriends parents?’

My parents had a kid before me (17m) and they gave her up for adoption because they were young (my age). They had an open adoption with her and saw her sometimes and when I was born they really pushed this idea that we were one family and she would live with us again and she adored me. But the memories I have of her are way different. She stuck to her (adoptive) family and only claimed her (adoptive) sibling as siblings.

She used to tell me she didn’t want me to call her my sister and she’d correct me if I called my parents “our parents” she’d tell me her parents were the people raising her. It confused me because my parents would say something different and I used to get a little anxious about seeing her because I felt like she didn’t like me and my parents said I was wrong so it was confusing.

It was 10 years ago that we last saw her. I forget if she was 16 or 17 by then but she told her parents she didn’t want contact anymore and they told my parents the visits were going to end. My parents never got over it and it hurt our relationship.

They kept filling me with lies about her coming to live with us and loving us and how she was still ours and she’d be back in our lives soon. They’d tell me I was wrong when I’d bring up how she didn’t like seeing or and how she didn’t like me. Even when we no longer saw her they’d say I was wrong.

I feel like my parents fucked me up with that stuff when I was younger. And the thing is they feel like our life should be focused around the child they gave up and the relationship we’ll all have some day. I gave up asking why she didn’t get in touch yet. She’s got to be 27 now and we still heard nothing from her. They don’t want to accept it. And they hate when people think I’m an only child and I don’t correct it. They told me I need to always talk about my sister and I should be doing everything to let her know I love and miss her.

I’m with my boyfriend (17m) now and he’s great. His family is amazing too. They know I struggle with my parents. So his parents suggested inviting mine for dinner to see if they could maybe encourage my parents to focus on the kid they have instead of the one they don’t have.

But my parents talked all the time about the daughter they gave up and they kept saying how I couldn’t get married until she’s back and telling my boyfriend he should get ready to have a SIL if we stay together. My boyfriends parents would try to change the subject and my parents kept the topic of their daughter going.

The breaking point for dinner was when they asked my boyfriends parents about their daughter and my boyfriends parents didn’t know the answer. I don’t talk about her much. My parents told me if I’m serious about my boyfriend they should know everything about their daughter so we can all be a family in the future and they told me they were ashamed of me keeping her a secret and how I need to talk about her more.

I told them nobody wants to hear about her. They’re the only people who want to make sure everyone knows about her and gets personal info on everything. I said people really don’t care and they need to stop making it such a big deal. I told them I don’t have to make their daughter my whole personality.

My boyfriends mom tried to point out that they’re pushing me away and they should be enjoying having me. But my parents only cared that I said their daughter shouldn’t be talked about all the time. They were furious. We argued and I ended up staying at my boyfriends house for a couple of nights but then my parents made me go home and they said I had no business taking to them like that in front of others.. AITA?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Spirited-Ad6144 −  NTA. At this point, it looks like your won’t have a daughter AND a son.

No_Cockroach4248 −  Your parents need a lot of professional help, they clung on to the idea that they will be a family again with their daughter and has not given up after 27 years. NTA, your parents monopolized the conversation and centered it around the daughter they gave up for adoption.

They were invited by your boyfriend’s parents and should at least have attempted to get to know them better or discussed something of interest to them. Your parents needed to be told some home truth and it was long overdue. Unfortunately I see them losing their son as well.

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  NTA – It sounds like they wanted to keep her but were pressured by their own parents to give her up or something. She made the decision to not see them any more, and she made the decision not to consider you her brother. The parents need to respect her decision not to have contact with them, and your boundary not to have her constantly looming in the air.

Mysterious_Wheel_712 −  You’re definitely not the a**hole. It’s super unfair for your parents to keep pushing this and making your whole life about someone who doesn’t even want a relationship with you. You’re allowed to set boundaries and not let them control your narrative, especially when they’re making you uncomfortable.

Senior-Tradition4171 −  NTA. They clearly need counselling for the loss of their daughter and need to realise that they are pushing you away. You are your own person and should be treated as such.

Common-Ad718 −  So your parents had the great idea of having the baby and giver her up for adoption, and open adoption. Let the adoptive parents raise her and support her emotionally, physically and obliviously economically and at the same time treat her like she never left and expect her to once she was able go back to her “real family”????

Like really? They really thought that would go as they expected? And on top of that they lie to you and manipulate your feelings. That girl definitely saw how crazy your parents were and didn’t want anything to do with them.. Definitely not the AH. No contact or low contact probably is the most healthy thing to do.

rositamaria1886 −  It seems like OPs parents refuse to accept their firstborn child does not forgive them for giving her up and then trying to force a relationship on her later. She sees her adoptive family as her real family, and they are. She ended the forced relationship and they don’t want to accept this and are living in a fantasy world. Poor OP’s parents need some serious therapy because are delusional.

GenXYachtRock −  I am an adoptee. I am a birth mother. Your parents are living in a fantasy world, regardless of the detriment it is causing. They made a choice to give a child up for adoption. That baby is no longer theirs to claim. My four children I raised (who are 27-22 now) know all about the son I put up for adoption, but I never told them how to speak of him or how to feel about him. That is up to each of them as individuals.

I have been in contact with Jonny (the son I put up for adoption) since he was 18 (he’s 35 now). We have all spoken but we have never seen each other. I leave that entirely up to him. His father & I broke up when I was pregnant with him (we were teenagers) and never reconciled. We never had other children together. Your parents shoving this child down your throat growing up and telling you lies about what was going to happen with her is a**sive. They need counseling. They are not okay.

As an adoptee, it is not fair to the child they put up for adoption to act like they never gave her up when they did. It is not fair for them to demand that you & she act like you’ve grown up in the same home & shared the same experiences. It’s not fair to her parents to act like they haven’t done EVERYTHING for her. It is not okay for them to act like they’re taking credit for nothing other than giving birth to her.

As a birth mother, it is not okay for them to diminish the role they CHOSE her adoptive parents to have in her life. They are doing you a disservice. They are doing her a disservice. They are doing her parents a disservice. They are doing themselves a disservice. I am not surprised at all that the adopted child doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I wouldn’t either. They’re very unhealthy human beings.

I applaud your being straight with them about how you’re feeling and how they’ve treated you re: this your whole life. Let them be mad. It’s not on you. You’ve done nothing wrong. They need to be more thankful they got to have and raise you. Period. There doesn’t need to be more to that. Your head is in the right place. Don’t let them manipulate you any longer.

OldGmaw2023 −  This sounds like parents that had a first baby that died they make the kids that survive – live in the dead child’s shadow. Even to the point of wanting to save a chair with a picture of the dead baby at all the other kids birthdays graduations & weddings Just m**bid Your sibling wants nothing to do with your parents or you Because parents got creepy / nuts about her. Plan on getting out at 18 going no contact … unless they get therapy nothing will ever change. Hugs from Gma.

grumpymuppett −  The o**ession they have with their daughter is kinda….concerning. She cut y’all off a DECADE ago, get a clue people! Like I don’t know what it’s like to “give up” a child, but still have some access to that child, must send mixed messages but this girl has been VERY CLEAR about her feelings towards your parents and you.

Even if she was raised by your parents, not talking to them for a decade should tell them where they stand with her. It’s not like she’s just gunna show up for Christmas and you’re gunna be one big happy family all of a sudden, your parents are delusional.