AITA for slapping my ex’s wife?

A Reddit user found herself in a heated confrontation after learning her ex’s wife slapped her teenage daughter for being “disrespectful.” While trying to defend her child, emotions ran high, leading to an unfortunate escalation. Now, she’s questioning whether she went too far. Was her reaction justified, or did she cross the line? Read the full story below to decide.

‘ AITA for slapping my ex’s wife?’

So, for some context, me (32 F) and my ex (32 M) had our daughter (16 F) back when we were in highschool. We broke up after graduation, but remained friendly for our daughters sake. Me and my ex are both married and have kids with our new partners. I have one 9 yr old daughter with my husband and my ex has three young ones under the age of 6 with his wife. My daughter alternates between our houses each week, switching each Friday.

Everytime I get her back, she complains about how her stepmom is really strict and rude. She has my daughter always cleaning most of the house and watching her younger siblings all the time. There was even one instance where she stayed home from school to watch her younger brother who had a stomach ache.

My ex’s wife has never liked me by the way, since she always thought it was weird that me and my ex are friends (even though we’re only friendly for our daughters sake). So sometimes I feel like she’s hard on my daughter out of spite for me.

I never got too upset about it though. I know having three young ones can’t be easy and that she just needs my daughters help around the house a bit. But she takes it too far. She always saying that me and my ex were too soft on our daughter growing up so now she’s disrespected and spoiled. Which by the way, isn’t true. I may not have beaten my kids with belts, but I still disciplined them.

They both have grown up to be respectful young ladies and I’ve never gotten a complaint from their teachers. Anyway, my daughter’s stepmom gets super upset if my daughter forgets to do just one chore. (Which she does so much already. She cleans the bathroom, washes the dishes, does laundry, mows the yard, takes out the garbage, etc.) On top of all that she still has school work to get done.

Well, Thursday (Dec 12), my daughter got yelled at by her stepmom for forgetting to do the dishes that night, even though she only forgot to because she was studying for an upcoming test. When my daughter tries to explain herself, my ex jumped in and got mad at her for talking back. They were both yelling at her and when she tried to speak up for herself when her stepmom slapped her for being disrespectful.

Well, yesterday, my daughter drove to my home from school to spend her week with me. She told me about what happened and she was really upset about it. I, was pissed. First of all, I wouldn’t even let my husband slap her, so to know her stepmom did had me furious. She can do whatever she wants to her children, but she has no right to put her grown hands on MY child.

So I drove over to their house to confront her stepmom about it. Stepmom got really defensive and ended up getting in my face talking about how I should’ve raised her better. My ex took her side of course since that’s his wife. Me and her said some things back and forth and after physically trying to push me out of her house, I ended up slapping her and asking her something along the lines of, “How does it feel when you get slapped? You don’t like it do you?!”

I’m not proud that I acted like this and I even called my ex today and apologized for making a scene in his home. I even told him I’d be willing to apologize to her, but he told me that she was adamant on the fact that she was right and she would not be apologizing to our daughter. She’s the type so say, “I don’t need to explain myself to a child” so I guess that also means she doesn’t feel the need to apologize when she’s wrong too.

I still feel like I should apologize, but I’m not sure if I want to if she won’t admit she was wrong. I’m not sure what I should do. I want to remain friendly with my ex but I’m not sure I can stand her treatment towards my daughter anymore.

Edit: To clear things up, I was not upset the whole way driving over there. I knocked on the door and my ex let me in. I was staying calm while trying to talk to them like adults, when stepmom got in my face about how spoiled and disrespectful my daughter was being. I’m more of a gentle parent, so I don’t believe in hitting your child the second they get you mad. She got mad at me and started trying to push me out the door. I got upset at her words and actions and swung.

My daughter also isn’t spoiled. I make her do chores too, and yes because she’s older she has more chores than her younger sister, but I am understanding when she forgets, while her stepmom takes it as disrespect. I will take the blame for letting things get this far. I’ve talked to my ex before about her stepmom needing to be more lenient and he always remained neutral.

Me and my ex have been texting back and forth right now, and honestly stepmom is more mad at my daughter than me since she thinks my s daughter, “ran to me crying”. I think we’re gonna have her stay an extra week here because I cannot with that ho right now.

Edit 2: I DID NOT apologize for standing up for my kid. I apologized for hitting her in her home where her young children could’ve seen. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that, but I don’t think some of you understand how horrible it is to hear someone badmouth your kid. I don’t care what her excuse was about having a bad day or none of that. She shouldn’t have put her grown hands on my child, period!

Edit 3: I have never for ed my daughter to go to her dad’s house. It’s always been a routine for her to go to her dad’s every other week. Her grandparents got her a car when she passed her driver’s test. She has every right to stay here with me or go to her Dad’s. I do take blame for not encouraging her to choose though. She was scared to disappoint or hurt her Dad by “choosing me over him”. My daughter is free to choose where she wants to go. Since this whole thing happened she’ll be staying an extra week here probably and we’ll figure out the rest from there.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

enabaahaha −  Get custody. That’s not ok.

Happy-Albatross3376 −  Why are you apologizing? Protect and defend your daughter for god’s sake!

BasicRabbit4 −  Honestly.. yta for letting things get that far with your daughter and her step mom. She’s treating your child like a slave, having her prioritize cleaning this b**ch’s house and caring for her kids over her own school.
You should have put a hard stop to it long before she got slapped.

starberiies −  NTA.. Wow, what a mess. First of all, I can’t believe your ex just stood there while his wife slapped your daughter. And then had the nerve to take her side. Seriously, what is wrong with some people? Secondly, I don’t think you need to apologize to your ex’s wife. She physically put her hands on your child. Period. That’s unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances. And no, “I don’t need to explain myself to a child” is not a valid excuse. You have every right to be upset and protect your daughter.

Own-Trust-1214 −  DUDE THEY ARE MAKING HER MISS SCHOOL TO TAKECARE OF HALF SIBLINGS.. GET FULL CUSTODY.. ETA except the children… Edit: is the judgement ESH applied here, i wrote ETA mistakenly. Basically everyone except the kids are AHs.

Natenat04 −  For fucks sake tell the court she is being abused there, and have your daughter say EVERY SINGLE THING that happens to her, to a lawyer. Get it in text of them admitting to hitting her.

Sad_Strain7978 −  Your daughter is old enough to not stick to the custody agreement. Have her move in full time with you and that crazy ass step mom can actually do the job of raising her own spawn while taking care of her household. NTA. I would have had her arrested on an a**ault and battery charge for that.

Chemical-Ad6301 −  At 16 your daughter can opt out of going to her dad’s. I’m guessing this is fake.

MennionSaysSo −  YTA. You should have immediately gone either to the police or a lawyer, gotten a restraining order and sought to protect your daughter. Going there and physically assaulting her, justifiably or not puts you at risk, and thus both your daughter and your other kids.

springflowers68 −  If this is a genuine post, ESH except the kids. Instead of confronting the step mom you should have filed a police report against the woman for assaulting your daughter. But it never should have happened.

When you discovered how badly your child has been treated you should have immediately sought help from a lawyer to change custody arrangements. It is absolutely not okay for your daughter to have to miss school to take care of a sick sibling and for the woman to use her as unpaid labor. And her father is a POS for not defending his child. Do better and protect your daughter from these toxic people.