AITA to potentially abandon my elderly ill MIL?

A Reddit user shares their moral dilemma of potentially leaving a toxic marriage and abandoning their frail, elderly mother-in-law. After years of being the primary caregiver and enduring an emotionally unfulfilling relationship with an alcoholic husband.

The user contemplates whether newfound financial independence justifies leaving the situation. Read the full story below for the details and background.

‘ AITA to potentially abandon my elderly ill MIL?’

Two years ago my 76 yo MIL moved in with my husband and I after hubs step dad passed away. Hubs has always done and gone whatever he wants when he wants and is very much a high functioning a**oholic.

I gave up years ago and checked out mentally knowing financially I couldn’t leave and knowing what I married now I live with it. Fast forward to his mom moving in. Several times she has been hospitalized resulting in her needing almost total care upon returning home.

Which I do around my full time work schedule. She keeps rebounding but can’t have too much more fight it her. COPD, Emphysema, still smokes like a chimney. Anyway. Recently my own step mom passed away about a year after my dad, her husband.

It seems there could be significant inheritance and am I the a**hole to use this to finally leave a situation that has kept me in misery for almost 10 years? Or do I wait until MIL inevitably passes? He will not take care of her like I do and someday doesn’t even see her because he doesn’t like “going in her room.”

He doesn’t grasp how frail she is and has actually suggested she is “playing” up her symptoms for attention. He is and always has been a n**cissist but that’s a story for a different day.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

missdeb99912 −  NtA. Take the money and run. Divorce your husband before your husband can lay claim to that inheritance. S**k it up, and get out. Live on friend’s couches in the meantime. Speak with an estate lawyer and a divorce attorney ASAP. Get the F out.

Humble_Guidance_6942 −  NTA. You have been a saint doing a favor for others. The universe is sending you a lifeline. Life is too short to stay in a bad marriage when you can choose a different life.

specialkk77 −  NTA! If you are concerned that he will n**lect her you can put in a call to adult protective services and let them know the situation. 

NCKALA −  NTA. Keep checking on any inheritance, was there a Will, who is the Executor or Administrator? Contact an attorney to get some basic info on how to make plans to leave.

Not sure if you are in the US or where but check on county/state laws if a spouse is entitled to any inherited property/funds, could be your husband can’t touch what you inherit. I hate to be blunt, but the mom is your husband’s issue, not yours.

I’m sure you have a good heart and have compassion (bless you!) but this is on him. Good luck and I hope to see an update on that you are packed, gone, in your new world.

SushiGuacDNA −  NTA. Your MIL belongs to your husband. Leave him. Leave her to him.

Significant-Poem-244 −  You need to contact a good lawyer to help you with this potential estate situation Timing is important because many states will take the inheritance into consideration when you divorce. You don’t say what you do for a living but any retirement fund you have earned during the marriage can be divided but so can his.

BTW, The next time your MIL is hospitalized, tell the caseworker/social worker to find placement for her. Unless she is contributing significantly to the household, this will take a huge burden off you. She may even benefit from an elevated level of care.

curiousity60 −  NTA. If there is an inheritance, keep it completely separate from any and all shared marital funds/assets. Comingling it with shared money is the only way you could lose exclusive control over it.

So definitely don’t do that. A new bank account at a different bank than your shared marital assets are for building your escape fund and storing your separate assets.

Optimal-Bag-5918 −  There is an Adult Protective Services who are supposed to help make sure elderly people are being taken care of. I would not feel guilty for leaving,

but I would personally contact the APS to keep an eye on her and make sure your ex is taking care of her. And if she does have money, that money can be used to pay for a facility that will care for her.

whorl- −  **Do not under any circumstances put that money in a share account!** Them gtfo and call Adult Protective Services for your MIL

Icy_Cardiologist8444 −  The inheritance is your ticket to getting out of a bad situation. Your husband needs to deal with his mother, and if he chooses not to, that is no longer going to be your concern.

You do have the ability to call Adult Protective Services if you feel she will be neglected, but you cannot keep setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Talk to an attorney before you make any moves to figure out what kind of impact the inheritance will have on your divorce. This inheritance is absolutely a sign that it’s time to cut your losses and get out of Dodge.

Do you think the Redditor is justified in prioritizing their own mental health and future, even if it means leaving their MIL in her son’s care? Or should they stay until MIL’s inevitable passing out of moral obligation? How would you handle this challenging dynamic? Share your thoughts and insights below!