AITAH for refusing to do a father-daughter dance with my dad (74m) at my (27f) wedding?

A Reddit user (27F) shares a dilemma about refusing to have a father-daughter dance at her wedding. She comes from an abusive background with her father, and while she has forgiven him, she remains emotionally distant. Her fiancé, understanding her discomfort, supports her decision to skip the tradition.

However, his family is upset, especially his mother and sister-in-law, who feel the absence of this tradition is a significant issue. The user feels trapped, as her fiancé’s family pressures her to conform to their expectations. Read the full story below to understand the emotional complexity behind her decision.

‘ AITAH for refusing to do a father-daughter dance with my dad (74m) at my (27f) wedding?’

My partner (30m) and I got engaged a little bit ago and we are talking about wedding stuff. I just want to add some background that my fiance is wonderful and he comes from an incredibly close, tight-knit, American family. I am American but my parents are immigrants and I have no other family besides them and my brother in the states.

No one except them will be invited to the wedding. My fiance is wonderful and his family was kind to me but I think they don’t understand my lack of closeness with my family and have become angry with me.

I grew up in a pretty a**sive home, especially my father who did things to me as a child that I have chosen to forgive for my own sake but I will always remain weary of him. We remain cordial for now but not overly close. I am very uncomfortable with physical touch with him to this day.

When we were talking about things we wanted to do for our wedding, my fiance’s mother asked about the father-daughter/parent-child/mother-son dance, as she loved that tradition with her other married children.

My fiance knows I’m uncomfortable with my family so he tried to be diplomatic and say we’d think about it or that it might not happen. His mother was really upset. She knows it was my idea to not want to do that tradition because her and my fiance are very close and would definitely do it if he wasn’t marrying someone like me.

I told my fiance later that I don’t mind if he does it at all but I don’t really feel comfortable with my family like that and he told me he understood and he thinks that it’s our wedding so we should do what we want, and he wants me to be happy, so we will just skip that.

His family however is starting to get upset. My fiance’s SIL keeps mentioning how she loved the father-daughter dance at her wedding and it felt like she was “truly given up” by her dad to the new family. My fiance’s mom keeps talking about it as well when I’m within earshot.

If my fiance hears, he will change the subject or shut it down, but lately she’s been doing it just when I’m around. I overheard one of my fiance’s cousins talk about how weird it was that I didn’t want to take his last name or even have my father walk me down the aisle.

He said that it was “too far” that I was taking away my partner able to have a “last dance” with his mom. It all makes me feel strange. I don’t know wedding traditions that deeply as I have never been to one before this. It just all yucks me out but I feel really trapped.

My fiance is the only person I have on my side but it seems like his whole family is considering me an a**hole/taking him away from them with my choices about marriage. TL;DR: I do not want to do the father-daughter dance at my wedding and my fiance’s family wants it to happen and they think I am an a**hole now.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

DearT_O_M −  F… It elope……

Burn420Account69 −  Nope. Your day, your itinerary.

AsparagusOverall8454 −  It doesn’t sound like you’re saying your partner can’t do the dance, you just don’t want to. And that’s completely understandable. His family is being really weird about this.

Lilybit09 −  NTA just tell her the idea of your dad touching you makes your skin crawl and the topic is done.

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  NTA. Nobody should have to dance with someone who once abused them, and it’s archaic for a father to “give away” his daughter, like she’s not a grown up sovereign adult.

You’re not forbidding your fiance from dancing with his mom, you’re just enforcing your boundary with your dad and that’s fair. if they don’t drop it, be strict that this is non-negotiable and makes you uncomfortable. (Hopefully then they’ll drop it already… what a bunch of entitled babies.)

Fluffy_Sheepy −  NTA. First, they need to understand that their experience is not everyone’s experience. They can be grateful that they have a close family, but they need to understand that not everybody had that. Some people have truly awful people for relatives and how we decide to handle that is our choice, nobody else’s.

Second, you don’t need to be “given away” by your father. You are a human being, not an item. That whole tradition is honestly gross. If people like that kind of thing then fine, they cam make that choice FOR THEMSELVES,

but objectifying other people by treating them like trading cards to be hoarded by daddy until it’s time to trade the kid to another family is just weird and gross. Your dad does not own you, now or ever.  I think you should ask your fiance again if he WANTS to dance with his mom.

If he genuinely wants to but has set it aside to spare your feelings, then you could suggest that he do it. Because it’s his wedding too and he should be able to have that dance if HE wants it. But if he doesn’t want it that badly,

maybe it’s time his family were told that you aren’t the one keeping mommy dearest from dancing with her precious baby boy. But wether he dances or not, you will not be dancing with your father and that is the end of the discussion. 

Amazing-Wave4704 −  Ugh the patriarchy. felt like she was truly GIVEN UP by her dad?? hopefully they passed along a couple of prime heifers too… NTA. I’m glad your fiance is on your side. But now HE gets to intervene with his family and get them on the same page as you both are.

GrizzRich −  NTA. you vetoed the daughter/father dance. There’s no reason your fiancé can’t have the son/mother dance.

Abject_Jump9617 −  Forgiveness is over rated. Personally I would not have a father such as that at my wedding let alone consider dancing with him.

MissNikiL −  NTA. Have your husband reach out to ALL of his family about this. “Fiancee does not want a Father/Daughter dance. Period. The fact that you keep asking is showing us both that you do not respect our boundaries.

The next person to mention it to fiancee in ANY capacity will be removed from the guest list.” And? Don’t invite your Dad. He doesn’t deserve a front row seat to your joy.

Do you think the user’s decision to skip the father-daughter dance is understandable given her past, or is it a step too far in rejecting family traditions? How would you handle this kind of pressure from in-laws while balancing personal comfort and tradition? Share your thoughts below!