AITA for telling my grandparents I won’t come to birthday parties hosted by them for my biological father’s other kids?

A Redditor shared their decision to avoid birthday parties hosted by their paternal grandparents for their biological father’s other children. Raised by maternal grandparents after their mother’s passing, the user has no relationship with their father and resents attempts to push connections with his new family.

Despite pressure from grandparents and concerns about upsetting the half-siblings, the user firmly prioritizes their boundaries. Read the full story below to weigh in on whether they handled it appropriately.

 

‘ AITA for telling my grandparents I won’t come to birthday parties hosted by them for my biological father’s other kids?’

I (17m) was 2 when my mom died and my maternal grandparents gained custody of me. I was raised by them and had a close relationship with both sides of my extended family but no relationship with my biological father.

He and my mom were married for 6 years before she died and had planned to raise me together but after mom died, and there are conflicting stories about this, my grandparents took custody and he went off. Two years ago he moved back to town and brought a new family with him.

He tried to connect with me but I told him I wasn’t interested. He kept reaching out and even his wife showed up at my grandparents house and asked to talk. She and my grandparents talked but I wasn’t interested.

I did listen in and I heard her say that I could be a family with them if everyone was open to it and she might not replace mom but it could be good for me to have a mom in my life. I stopped listening after that because I thought it was gross she came into our home to argue she could be my new mom.

Firstly as a stranger but also knowing my mom died. My biological father has stated my grandparents took me from him and pushed him out of my life because they didn’t want him remarrying and raising me with another woman.

My grandparents said he struggled after mom died and had wanted to focus on himself but was lost and didn’t know where so they offered to keep me and he agreed. It was meant to be for a year or two maybe but then he didn’t come back.

That he reached out once before he moved back to town two years ago but they felt it wasn’t a good idea for the reasons he had given (which was he met his wife and wanted me to be a family with them) and I agree with my grandparents. I would have been 12 at the time and after 10 years of nothing it wouldn’t have been good.

My biological father has backed off some after two years of me showing no interest in a relationship. My relationship with his extended family is still the same, for the most part. But both sides (extended and bio father and his wife) want me to have a relationship with his kids and I don’t want to.

My paternal grandparents have tried to have us over at their house at the same time but I say no. They told me I could have little siblings and I told them it would never feel like that because HE doesn’t feel like my parent in any way.

I also said a relationship with them would inevitably mean a relationship with him and his wife eventually and I don’t want that. My grandparents threw a birthday party for one of the kids and invited me and they said they would host them all going forward so I could go and I said no. I told them I won’t attend those parties.

I also brought up the fact my bio father and his wife would be at them and those are the weirdest way to try and get me to meet the kids. They said I could come early when they’d have the kids without the parents there.

I told them I didn’t really buy that and to accept the fact I won’t go to parties they host for the other kids. They told me I’m not doing the right thing and the kids will be upset to know I have a relationship with the extended family but not them.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

eratoesben −  NTA – the relationship you have with your father and his family is a result of his inaction and lack of being in your life.
You do not owe any of these people anything. Draw absolutely crystal clear boundaries in an email and document the consequence of these being broken.

Explain the reasoning behind them and share the effect that your father’s absence has had as well as the anguish this forced reconciliation is causing. Be selfish, be happy and most of all live your life to the fullest with the support of those who truly want the best for you and just you.

SparkleSorbets −  NTA. Dude, you’re not a free babysitting trial for your bio dad’s new family experiment. It’s wild that everyone is acting like you owe them a relationship just because your DNA matches.

You’ve made it clear where you stand, and forcing awkward birthday party meet-ups isn’t going to magically make you bond with kids you don’t know, especially when it’s all wrapped up in this bigger issue with your bio dad.

Family isn’t just biology, it’s effort and time—and it sounds like your grandparents are your real MVPs here. Stick to your boundaries. It’s not on you to make other people feel better about their decisions.

BeachinLife1 −  NTA, it was on your father to raise you, and he didn’t. Even if your grandparents “took” you, unless he was somehow an unfit parent (the legal definition) he would have 100% won in court if he’d even tried.

He not only didn’t try, he didn’t even attempt to see you for 10 years?? And then he thinks he can just all of a sudden play daddy with you? That is not how this works.

Baby_Tiger25 −  NTA! Your grandparents is your mother and father. They raised you for 15 years! If you don’t want to know them that is fine. Everyone needs to leave you alone about it. You said your peace. Sorry about your loss. Don’t let anyone make you feel any type of bad BC of how you feel. Happy Holidays!

DelayHefty644 −  NTA – You don’t need to force yourself to be a big brother to kids you don’t know. Your bio dad left when you were 2. Now he’s back with a new family trying to force relationships.

His wife was weird about wanting to be your new mom. Your grandparents need to back off. You’re almost 18 – you decide who you want in your life.

Amazing-Wave4704 −  NTA. Your grandparents don’t have to agree with your decision but they need to accept and respect it.

I_wanna_be_anemone −  Tell grandparents you’re not going to sit back and take them enabling your deadbeat absentee sperm donors delusion that he’s your parent in any way shape or form, or that him boning some lady means she has any significance to you except having the bad taste to breed with someone who abandons their kids for 10+ years.

Your sperm donor decided he wasn’t equipped to be a parent without a woman to do all the child rearing, so he abandoned you to go find a replacement. If he can so easily abandon and replace the people he claimed to love, then it’s little wonder you want nothing to do with him.

Grandparents can deal with their own guilt or shame of having that as a son, but they shouldn’t make their guilt your problem. They should be more invested in being supportive to their grandson who had no choice in any of the s**t you went through as a child.

You owe those kids nothing. They have both their birth parents alive and caring for them. Your birth parents are dead or may as well be. Don’t be afraid to say all this to the people who raised you, who were your real parents when you needed them. Let them support you, like a real family does. NTA

winterworld561 −  NTA. You need to tell your grandparents that if they don’t drop it and respect your decision then you will leave and go no contact with them also.

HollieMacc −  NTA. It’s not your job to play “happy family” when your bio dad decided to ghost your life for a decade. The audacity of everyone trying to guilt you into bonding with these kids like it’s your responsibility to fix the mess he left behind is wild. You’ve got boundaries, and they need to respect that.

Honestly, their plan of “birthday party diplomacy” feels like something straight out of a bad sitcom. Stay firm—if they’re upset, that’s on them, not you. You’re doing what’s best for your mental health, and that’s valid.

Individual_Cloud7656 −  NTA at all, first your father is lying. Your grandparents would not have been able to take you away because they didn’t want him to get married. The fact that he would lie says he hasn’t changed at all.

Your grandparents mean well with your siblings but they are wrong for trying to force you into a relationship. Remember that they are innocent in this and maybe you will feel differently when your older and not being bullied. I wish you the best OP.

Is the Reddit user justified in maintaining their boundaries, even if it means disappointing their half-siblings and extended family? Or should they reconsider for the sake of the children? How would you handle such a complex family dynamic? Share your thoughts in the comments below!