AITAH for not letting my MIL see my her grandchild again after she said she’s her daughter and that she wants to keep her away from me?

A Reddit user shared an emotional story about navigating life after the tragic loss of her husband, a situation that led to a heated conflict with her mother-in-law over custody of her daughter. What began as a helpful arrangement quickly spiraled into a painful standoff when the grandmother refused to return the child, claiming she had equal parental rights. The user ultimately made a firm decision, but it continues to weigh on her. Read the full story below to see how it unfolded.

‘ AITAH for not letting my MIL see my her grandchild again after she said she’s her daughter and that she wants to keep her away from me?’

I’m really torn on this, and I need some perspective. I’m 33F. My husband died 2 years ago because a drunk driver decided to be an absolutely stupid human, and my husband was unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time. We have a 3 year old daughter. She was 1 at the time when her father died.

I was an absolute wreck. I felt like my life came to an end. It wasn’t just my husband who died, it was our whole future, the dream of seeing him hold our child’s hand as they walked to school. Holding eachother on warm sundays sipping some tea. Everything died.

I wasn’t functional, which is bad, because I had my daughter who needed to be taken care of. I was doing the bare minimum – feeding her, changing her diaper, putting her to bed. I barely wanted to look at her – every time I did, I remembered seeing my husband dead in the hospital.

Fortunately, my MIL (who is widowed and only had one child – her son) offered to look after my daughter as I recovered. I remember the phone call with her, and I remember just being absolutely numb to everything. I remember saying yes, and she came out the next day, took my daughter and some supplies and left. One thing I remember was her barely even asking if I was okay – which is fine, I suppose, because my daughter was the priority at that point.

Anyway. Long story short, the next 6 months after that was the worst months of my life. I went to counselling, moved back home (different country) with my mother and father, and just cried a lifetime worth of tears.
Eventually, I found breathing became easier. Getting out of bed became easier. I wrote a lot. I started eating again. I started hiking again. I found a different me – a me my husband would have liked, I suppose, and a me I grew to accept.

So I moved back to my own home and arranged MIL to come and meet and drop off my daughter. MIL was reluctant, and wanted me to pass a mental health assessment… I assured her I was okay, but I would visit the doctor for a mental health checkup just for her sake.

I visited the doctor, and he said I was mentally healthy, but prescribed some sleeping pills just in case I need them (his words). I decided not to take them, because I just don’t need them. I updated my MIL, and she said that because the doctor gave me medicine which I didn’t want take, she didn’t feel comfortable with my daughter being taken care of just by me.

To say I was shocked would be a vast understatement. I assured her the doctor said I was healthy, that I was capable of taking care of myself and my child, and that the pills were a “just in case” and was probably prescribed as part of the pharmaceutical money making machine – I don’t even really have issues with sleep (7 hours a night, most nights).

She still said that she doesn’t think she’s comfortable, and asked to move in with me to take care of the child. I said “No. I do not feel comfortable with you there.” She then said that if she wasn’t there to ensure my daughter is taken care, then she isn’t going to want to drop her off. I said “Listen. If you do not give me my \*\*\*\*\*\*\* daughter back today, I will call the police and have you arrested for child kidnapping.” She then said “She’s as much my daughter as she is yours!”

At which point I hung up. I sent her a text which said “I am driving to your home right now. I will wait outside the home until 6pm. (it was about 1pm at the time). If I do not receive (name of daughter) by 6pm, I will call the police, have you arrested for child kidnapping, follow through with the charges, and cut you out of my and my child’s life.”

Then I drove to her house and sat outside in my car. I saw her curtain flit a few times. After 2 hours, she came out in tears and said that she wants to keep my daughter for my sake as well as my daughter’s. I didn’t exchange a word with her.

I opened the passenger door, put my daughter in with her car seat, took whatever supplies was present and drove off. MIL kept trying to talk to me, but I was honestly done with her. It has been about a year since then. I’ve since softened on the events of what happened.

MIL has tried to contact me every few months, and always sends a card around the holidays, which I’ve ignored. She turned up in person a couple of time – the last time, she stood outside for 30 mins demanding to see me and my daughter, otherwise she wouldn’t leave. I ended up calling the police, who told her she would be trespassed and charged if she did this again.

AITAH for continuing to not let her see my daughter? By the way, myself and my daughter are doing great. I love her, and I have loads of pictures of her father around the house. On a completely separate note, dating is exhausting, and I’ve decided not to do it anymore. A dog and a child are enough for me.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Comfortable-Bug1737 −  It’s all conflicting. You couldn’t take care of your daughter and even left the country. Came back and demanded her back and basically cut off the person who helped you. Yeah, mil was a bit strange in her behaviour, but she was grieving too, yet she still took very good care of your daughter..

Not_the_maid −  Hold on. You were in such a bad place that you had your MIL take your daughter for six months? Wherein you completely cut off contact with your baby? And you moved to a foreign country leaving your daughter behind??

So, you MIL was concerned about your mental health and therefore concerned with the baby. This is normal. She bonded with your daughter and cared for her while you handled your depression. Sure the transition back to your place sucked – sucked royally but your MIL was concerned about your daughter. Did she handle it well? No.

Now you MIL would like to resume contact with you and your daughter. She is not threatening you or threatening to take your daughter away from you. She is trying to reestablish a relationship with you and her granddaughter.
I think you should be more appreciative to a MIL who helped you out when you were down. I would suggest you meet with her in a public place with your daughter and see how it goes. Suggest maybe just meet for a specific period of time (30 minutes) and try to rebuild the trust.. NAH.

hadesarrow3 −  I think… ESH. This post is so focused on you. You had a 1 year old daughter and abruptly left her with a new caregiver. For 6 months. Then abruptly cut that caregiver out of her life again. You are not the AH for grieving, or even for being unable to function for a while.

If you had disappeared for a couple weeks while your MIL stepped in, that would be excusable (note, I am not IN ANY WAY suggesting that you should have been over your grief in that time span). But you apparently vanished from your daughter’s life for SIX MONTHS to redefine yourself and basically have a spiritual retreat. You had responsibilities, and you completely abdicated them.

I’m not even saying that makes you a terrible person… maybe you needed that to move forward. But if someone I loved dumped their kid on me for 6 months to find themself, you had better believe I’d have serious concerns about turning the child over to them when they show up again and say “ok, I’m good, go away please.”

She gave your daughter back because you threatened to call the cops and charge her with a crime. Let’s be 100% clear. You are super lucky she complied. If it had gone down that path, it is not at all clear the courts would have sided in your favor. She presumably has proof that you left your kid in her care for half a year while you left the country. She has an extremely strong case for grandparents rights here (which is usually complete nonsense).

The stuff she said to you was out of line and concerning in itself. I agree with the commenter who suggested family therapy. But I am so heartbroken for your child, who was hurt repeatedly during this process, and who is never mentioned in your post as anything more than something you feel entitled to.

throwaway4619453872 −  I understand you were and are grieving but frankly, you abandoned your daughter. You weren’t the only one who lost someone, your MIL lost her son. Your MIL was grieving her son too but she was able to love and care for her grandchild when you didn’t. You even moved to a different country! Yes, she is now just as much MIL’s daughter because MIL was one raising her when you abandoned her. Did you hear her first words? MIL did.

Of course MIL would be concerned. You leave for a year and then show up out of nowhere demanding the child back without providing proof you’re now capable of raising her. You admitted you were barely caring for her, so what reason did you give MIL you would be responsible now? Throwing a tantrum in her yard certainly doesn’t show responsibility. You should have been thanking MIL for being the mother you refused to be. YTA.

Early_Prompt6396 −  YTA. You weren’t well enough to raise your daughter for 6+ months, and then you show up out of the blue saying that you’re ready to assume 100% responsibility for a baby.

I’m sorry about the loss of your husband, and I’m glad you’re better now. But there’s an equally likely scenario where you overestimated your wellness and your daughter might have suffered for it. Your MIL had no way of knowing if you would be capable of resuming normal activities, and she’d been doing the hard work of raising your daughter when you couldn’t. She deserves be be in her granddaughter’s life.

Apprehensive_War9612 −  YTA. This woman lost her son, and then in the midst of her grief had to step in because you were incapable of taking care of your daughter. And then she took care of your daughter. Did she cross the line? Absolutely.

Were you right to get your daughter, yes but you did it in absolutely the worst way possible And you should count yourself very fortunate not only that your mother-in-law stepped in and took care of your child when you were incapable of doing so but also that she allowed you to take her without much of a fight. She absolutely had grounds at that point to file for an emergency custody order.

You did not act stable at that time. And if your daughter was not traumatized by the way you took her away from her caregiver then that is a miracle and also something you are very fortunate for. I’m glad that you got your s**t together and I even understand why you distanced yourself initially because you were lashing out. But it’s now been over a year and at this point you’re being unnecessarily cruel to allow her no contact with the child she raised because you were incapable of doing so.

rjhancock −  First, condolences on your loss….. But YTA on this one. Your husband, and father of your child, was taken from you and you abondonded your child in her time of need as well. Your MIL RAISED your child for 6 months and had VALID concerns about the well being of HER grandchild. You blew her off and threatened her with legal action because she was concerned for the well being and safety of your daughter.

Edit: For those saying I’m wrong, keep in mind OP left the country and only after crying for probably weeks eventually get help, probably did not leave an enforcable POA with the MIL so legally could not properly care for the grandchild for an extended period of time. OP was in a situation where she could have been charged with child abondonment on top of everything else.

honorthecrones −  YTA not just for what you did to your MIL after she stepped up and took care of your daughter while you luxuriated in your grief. YTA for abandoning a baby because you were sad. You transferred all your pain and sorrow over losing your husband into your child. You couldn’t stand to look at her!?!? WTF! So your parents took you in and never once questioned where your daughter was? This sounds like the most indulgent form of self absorption I have ever heard of.

Then, when you finally got your s**t together and decided you were ready, instead of gradually reacquainting yourself with this poor child, who lost both her parents, you just rip her out of the arms of the person who cared for her? How selfish are you? Does anyone else have feelings in your world? You are the worst! I pity that poor child. Everyone has to cater to you and your loss. Your MIL lost a child! Your child lost her father and then her mother and then her grandmother. You are incredibly selfish!

No_Challenge853 −  I don’t support your MIL. But why couldn’t you take your daughter with you? I’m sure your parents could have helped taking care of her? Like I want to understand your situation. That’s y I’m asking.

angellareddit −  You need to repair this bridge. Your MIL did not, in fact, fight you for custody. She loves your daughter. And I am of the opinion that you cut as few people out of the life of your child as possible. Let her visit. Allow the trust to be rebuilt. It can only make your daughter’s life – and your own – richer.