UPDATE: AITAH for refusing to go on a family trip unless they disinvite my nephew’s friend?
Hi, everyone, I hope you’re good. I have an update/resolution that I figured I’d share, though truth be told it’s a bit anticlimactic! Before I start, I wanted to say thank you for anyone who put in their two cents. I appreciate all of the comments, though I got o**rwhelmed with attention very quickly! I’m sorry if any questions remained unanswered; there were a lot of comments. I am still trying to maintain some anonymity, but I am happy to answer any questions that don’t impede on that!
Original post here: https://aita.pics/cqqkw
‘ UPDATE: AITAH for refusing to go on a family trip unless they disinvite my nephew’s friend?’
TL;DR Jeff is not going on the trip, and per my daughter’s request, we’re still going. Night before last my three siblings, their spouses, and my parents all gathered at my sister’s house to talk this through. I, very immaturely, sort of walked in with a mild attitude. I knew I wasn’t going to change my mind, I felt like this was a waste of time, but my daughter keeps expressing to me how badly she wants to go on the trip, so I went.
It started off with my sister and my mom crying and just asking me to go but that got shut down really fast by pretty much everyone else. My sister expressed that she just felt so bad for Jeff. Again, he’s lower class with a mother who treats him like a baby and a father that doesn’t care. She mentioned that Jeff and Emily have been polite to each other in the presence of family, and figured they were getting over their “issues”.
I did find out that the waiver he was on extended to his tuition, despite being told that it was for his uniforms and school supplies, so my apologies on an incorrect comment I made. Regardless, she was trying to convince me and my entire family to allow Jeff to come.
I really do get it, and I am a person who can experience empathy, sometimes to a fault, but for the millionth time, my empathy towards Jeff and his situation does not overpower my need to protect my daughter. As her only parent, it is literally my duty to make sure she is safe, and this is not safe. Thanks to a comment, I did say “My daughter does not feel safe around Jeff,” to which my brother in law, the sister in question’s husband, replied “well that settles it.”
The only adult who wanted Jeff to go was my sister. The only people who wanted me to compromise and go and ignore Jeff were my mother and sister in law. Everyone else was adamant that Jeff did not go. No one knew he was invited, and it wasn’t until I sent in the group chat that I would not be attending because of Jeff’s presence that anyone, including my sister’s husband, knew Jeff was going.
My father, who is actually a therapist, has been ridiculously supportive through this whole thing. He explained his reasonings for not wanting Jeff there besides the obvious. Most notably and as many others, including myself, have pointed out, he started bringing up the subject of SA.
My nephew mentioned to him that Jeff does like Emily, and if his mindset is as dysfunctional as we are led to believe, he’s not currently capable of expressing that to Emily in a healthy way, which could lead to him attempting to SA her.
(Note: My sister tried to I-told-you-so me about the crush but I literally laughed at her. I really honestly don’t care if he has a crush on my daughter. He’s so awful to her. She takes it like a champ, she holds her head up high, and I’m so proud of her for that, but that doesn’t change the fact that Jeff has been so sincerely awful to her that it makes me sick.)
It was ultimately decided that Jeff was not going. Thanks to another comment I saw, I did tell her that she was doing a great thing by trying to help this boy, but her niece came before him in this situation. I brought up that Jeff might retaliate against Emily (again, thanks to another comment) for being disinvited, so we did come up with a plan, sort of.
My nephew had to tell him at school the next day that Jeff was no longer invited because he didn’t want him and Emily to get into a fight. I thought that was a dumb plan, I’m not going to lie, but as long as the blame was off of Emily I didn’t care.
We left for the night, both Emily and I hugged my sister, she apologized, it was generally okay. I’m still frustrated with her for trying to be this boy’s savior at the risk of my daughter, and we have yet to have that conversation, but I’m sure it will come with time.
My mother told Emily that she was sorry for seemingly wanting to subject her to Jeff, and she didn’t mean to come off that way; she simply wanted us to come. I am still frustrated with my mom, but again, a conversation to come with time. I told my daughter not to get her hopes up, because part of me still didn’t believe that Jeff was really not going to go, but we proceeded with cautious optimism.
In the meantime I spoke with my lawyer friend who did advise me not to go on the trip if Jeff was going, and not to speak to him or his parents directly. No problem there, I had resigned to not going and I had no interest in talking to anyone. Additionally, my sister’s husband and I had a long talk about how he was really disappointed in her for this. That’s not my business, but I was happy that he was still as fiercely protective of my daughter as I always thought he was.
I have to give my nephew props, because he took the news well, although he was disappointed. He understands that what Jeff does is wrong, but I’m still not really sure why he puts up with it besides that he’s a teenager who doesn’t want to lose his friend.
So, this leads us to last night. Emily shows me a message from my nephew that just says “so Jeff backed out lmao” and that’s it. Get this: Jeff didn’t know that Emily was going. My nephew went to tell him what was up and he got as far as saying “Emily is going to be there” before Jeff backed out.
I spoke to my nephew who said Jeff just got weird and said he couldn’t go, and they left it at that. Jeff seemed disappointed, and I do feel sorry for him, but again, my daughter comes first to me. My brother in law only sent me laughing emojis.
Initially I was still not sure if I’d go because a lot of comments suggested I should not go on principle. With that being said, my daughter said she’d rather go on this trip, even after I tried to suggest we do something else. So now we’re going. Yay.
That’s really it. Sorry it’s so long, and I wish it was more exciting, but it is not. I tried to put emphasis on the conversation with my family because that was the important part, but even then we were just standing around my sister’s kitchen talking, no big confrontation or anything. Regardless, have a good day and a happy holiday season. Thank you for reading and for all the advice, I do appreciate it!
Check out how the community responded:
ThrowRA071312 − That’s great news! Kudos to your family, especially your dad and BIL!. Enjoy your vacay!
cynical-mage − Yay for Emily, and good job being a great father and role model.
Stormandsunshine − So, your sister seem to think it’s a good thing that Jeff is interested in your daughter, despite how he treats her. Ask her to think very carefully if she actually think someone who express a love interest in that way is a suitable partner for anyone. Is this the signs she want your daughter (or her son, or anyone) too look for when choosing a partner?
“Oh, maybe he’s just in love with you!” need to be erased from being an explanation to why a young boy is a**sive against a girl. It’s a very toxic way to excuse bad behavior and people need to stop teaching young girls that abuse is a sign of love.
A lot of girls believe this is how boys and men show love, they believe it’s normal and what to expect in a relationship. It’s toxic for boys as well. If they grow up believing that if they love someone, it’s perectly fine to abuse them because people around them say so, they will grow up to men that abuse their wives and see no wrong with that.
Putrid_Wealth_3832 − That’s great news but doesn’t change that your sister and your mom are horrible people towards emily. Doesnt even matter that it was their family memeber(though an arguement can be made that makes it worse) but if this was a school or work or even social setting?
Someone is b**lying, abusing and assaulting someone else and you’re going to insist to bring that person around their victim and tell the victim to put up with it because the abuser has a bad life? They are not good people. They are not empathetic people. There is something broken and sick in your sister and mom that woudl subject a victim to further abuse. Full stop. No excuses. That is sick twisted and cruel.
Frankly I would be cutting them off because women who protect male abusers will not stop, they will never learn they will never care. They are not safe people for your daughter or any young woman for that matter.. The whole story makes me sick.
Maleficent_Mistake50 − I want the update when you speak to your sister and mom. Because the way they were acting could be detrimental to your daughter in the future.
Rowana133 − It’s really sad that the MEN in your family saw the red flags in this boys’ behavior, but the women were excusing or minimizing it…I’m so disappointed.
Jsmith2127 − Why would Jeff ever think Emily wouldn’t be going, on a family vacation? It sounds like ops sister kept a lot of people in the dark, that maybe with her “crush” theory, she thought that forcing them together would end in some fairy-tale.
iuwrg4326 − Why was it that Jeff the A**hole was able to grasp in a second what your mother and sister weren’t able to figure out?
Mirabai503 − If a boy can only express his romantic interest through violence, he’s going to become a man that s**ually assaults women just because he’s attracted to them. Telling a girl that this behavior should be accepted because “it means he likes you” creates women that think they have to submit to s**ual violence.. No thank you on both counts.
Everetimed1a − Man, the way this saga unfolded could be its own holiday special, except the theme is setting boundaries instead of singing carols. Honestly, standing your ground here was epic, and it’s refreshing to hear a story where the right thing actually happens in the end!
Props to your nephew for handling it like a champ, and huge props to you for prioritizing your daughter’s safety and well-being. It sounds like a masterclass in family boundary-setting was much needed. Have a great trip, and here’s hoping the only drama is someone forgetting the marshmallows for the hot cocoa!