Update 3: AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a “mistake”?

A Reddit user provides an emotional update on the fallout after refusing to pay for their sister Clara’s wedding, following a heated confrontation where Clara insulted their child. The OP went no contact with Clara and most of their family, leading to personal growth, family healing, and uncovering long-buried traumas.

Now, Clara’s fiancé is urging OP to reconnect, citing Clara’s struggles and her past abuse, leaving OP feeling torn between guilt and protecting their newfound peace. Read the full story below for a glimpse into this complex family dynamic.

For those who want to read the previous part:

Part 1: https://aita.pics/bRiCE 

Part 2: https://aita.pics/PoaRC

 

 

‘ Update 3: AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a “mistake”? ?’

I think I just desperately need to write this out. We went NC with the whole of my side of the family about a month and a half ago aside from my other sister (not Clara). Decker has been in therapy, and frankly, so have I and Honey both individually and a bi-weekly couples therapy session. A lot has changed.

I didn’t realize how much the abuse I suffered at the hands of my uncle really affected me. His reaction to Decker never bothered me or really had a stake in my emotional or mental state, but more that my mother made me forgive him and be polite when he was around. It’s always been that way.

I was the eldest, so I turned the other cheek until I had no cheeks, then I turned the old ones. I was never really permitted to have negative emotions or get angry. This situation with Clara blew a lot of dust up, and Honey and I started to have issues.

She noted how reserved I tend to be, and even with her, I struggle with asking for what I want or expression displeasure. I shut down or deflect. It sucks to learn this about yourself when the rest of your world is falling apart.

Clara was arrested for my a**ault and ended up doing a mental health program for a month rather than getting a conviction – as such, her record is clean of that from what I understand. It was hard cutting her and the others off. My other sister was the one keeping me up to date on everything. Clara got out a while ago.

She’s been trying to get in touch every way she can. She got a new number, email, Facebook, even tiktok. She’s written and mailed numerous letters. I am exhausted because I hate cutting everyone off. It’s so isolating always having my siblings around and now only really having one sister so suddenly is really lonely.

I focus on Decker and Honey. Honey seems happier overall. She’s dancing in the kitchen again, is more affectionate with me, and is more excited to go out and do things. And Decker is also happier. We’ve focused less on her grades and praise her more for her sense of kindness, her stick-to-it attitude, and more.

She’s more open with me in particular. She talks about crushes and friends more now, shares about the intricate life of a teen. lol it’s really very cute. I’m not so okay, but my family is safe and happy, which is what matters. Clara’s fiance Kevin reached out to me 2 days ago.

Clara has been released and has been out for a week or so it sounds like, but she still has outpatient rehab to do. It’s encouraged for her to have family and to be supported, Kevin says. And he says she isn’t doing well. She’s started talking about self-harm. And she confided in him that the same uncle that abused me, abused her.

He’s begging me to talk to her and help her through this. He keeps reminded me of how she was before all this and how close we were. Calling what we were close may be incorrect, because based on what I’m learning, our relationship was toxic from the start. I was an enabling sister to a m**ipulative and narcissistic one.

I held my ground and spoke to Honey, who agrees I should keep NC and block Kevin and simply rely on my other sister for info.
But I can’t help but feel guilty. I wish Clara well. But I can’t risk cracking the door open and risk the well-being of my family. I think I just feel alone. I know I can’t have her in my life anymore. It just hurts.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

ThrowRA071312 −  Wow. I remember your original posts and I am so sorry it’s taken this turn. I cannot imagine how difficult and isolating this must be but you did *not* create the situation and you cannot fix it. You can only protect Decker and Honey from it as much as possible.

It seems that Kevin has either developed or learned Clara’s manipulating ways. He needs to go into the same NC box as Clara. Yes, she does need help but if you offer her an inch, she’ll take a mile. She may take it as forgiveness and acceptance of her previous actions.

If she does, her actions may very well be more aggressive and she will definitely be harder to reign in, as she’ll expect you to “get over it” again. Hold the line, OP. Focus on your immediate family – Honey and Decker. Clara and your other siblings are full grown adults. It’s time for them to “grow up” and act accordingly.. Best wishes! 

Liu1845 −  NTA. You can have a message passed to Clara & Kevin. *”Clara’s therapist may tell her she needs family to help her, however MY therapist says it’s imperative for my mental well-being and health to have no contact with her for the foreseeable future. You will hear from me if and when that changes. Until then, stop contacting me.”*

FriendlyMum −  Honey you’re not responsible for another fully grown adult. She has people around her. Let them do it. It’s really pathetic that her finance is putting that responsibility on you, please block them.

At this stage of your recovery, your own health must be paramount. You’ve got enough on your hands!!! Focus on healing, it’s going to take a lot of time and energy but if you don’t prioritise yourself than no one else will.

Bonnm42 −  As someone with an addict for a Brother, I can assure you what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. I would attend Nar-anon meetings. They help the family members of people with addictions. They teach the three C’s. You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.

They also teach you to let go with love. Addicts are very good at manipulating the people who love them. The best thing you can do is let her hit rock bottom and take care of yourself. Only the addict can do the work that is required of them to beat their addiction.

We, their family, as much as we want to help, our help is only enabling the addiction. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better for you.

Beautiful_mistakes −  I always hate when people tell me that someone is going to self harm because they don’t have access to me. Let them do whatever they feel they need to. It’s not your responsibility to keep your sister a whole. That’s what professionals are for.

Tell Kevin maybe he should talk to them instead of you. It does feel lonely in the beginning when you cut off family. Soon enough it’ll become the new normal for you. Good luck.

Maida__G −  I’m glad you’re all getting help.

JaneAustinAstronaut −  One thing that strikes me OP, is that even when you are hurting, your siblings and Kevin STILL expect you to parent them and fix all of the problems.

If you go back to them, it will set back the mental health of you, Honey, and Decker. They need to grow up and handle this themselves. You cannot keep setting yourself on fire to keep them warm. Your priority is your wife and child now.

Material_Assumption −  I doubt you could have done anything differently to achieve better results. She has a fiance, her oldest brother seems to be around, she isn’t alone, she has a support system.

Continue focusing on yourself and family. Which is what Clara should be doing, too. Hopefully, she will figure that out. Sorry you had to go through all this

Regular_Boot_3540 −  Wow, you’re working hard and feeling lots of feelings. I don’t know the history, but it sounds like you’re prioritizing well and focusing on the most important things. Good luck to you!

Ravenmn −  I’m an adoptive parent with two daughters who survived neglectful birth parents. They were and are still amazing young women who have developed lots of unexpected skills and knowledge that most of us never achieve. The kids were never the assholes!!

I share your rage at your sister’s horrible treatment of Dexter and I am so glad you were able to get her to open up about her abuse. Clearly, Dexter knew her Moms love her and will protect her, but did not understand how to handle Clara’s behavior.

Your love and conversation helped her so much and will build her confidence for any future contacts with toxic personalities. You haven’t mentioned this, but you have to know Clara planned this in a way that would make Dexter doubt you and to be sure Clara’s noxious behavior would be hidden from you, for a while at least.

It’s classical abuser behavior and until Clara can apologize to your family and ask for nothing in return, she is dangerous. I had a counselor who once told me that the only time I needed to be in a room alone with my abuser (sociopathic relative) was if AH was in a coffin.

That comment broke through to me and I hope it will do so for you. Your behavior is an example of rock star adoptive parenting!
Congratulations on choosing such a wonderful family. I’m sending hugs virtually.

The user grapples with guilt over maintaining no contact to protect their family while wishing Clara healing from her past. Do you think OP’s decision to stay no contact is justified, or should they consider reconnecting to help Clara through her struggles? Share your thoughts and perspectives in the comments below!